Bi married males of a peculiar sort

Substitute mom

Registrant
I have been here about a month So glad I have found this subject as I have wrestled with it for so long I was tested and found to be 50%male and 50% female in my sexual reactions to both sexes I live as a married man 58 years It's all a secret that men attract me All those years All that pain She loves me so much She would be so hurt with the truth I'm 82 married 58 years so ì have chosen to let sleeping dogs lay My counselor thinks she knows must know I truly believe she doesn't
She is happy
They say a happy wife a happy life
But as I age I worry more that she will find out

You must do what you think best What works for you both
Strength Calm and Pease
 

ODAT

Registrant
What really helped me was reading Dr. Joe Kort’s book (he’s also on YouTube )“Is My Husband Gay, Bi or Straight?”
This book helped my wife too. What I learned is that my erotic template was shaped by my sexual activities at 8. So I am a totally heterosexual male that was used to giving oral sex and other things as a boy. I would re-enact this as part of my erotic template. In my darkest days (30-40’s), giving oral to older married men was like a pacifier for me. It soothed me and helped me cope in an alcoholic and sexless marriage. I was compulsively gambling at the time and the financial stress was unbelievable. I am re-married now and the thoughts of acting out are returning after 20 years. My wife suffered PTSD after reading my story and is afraid that under the wrong circumstances I will act out. I’m hoping not to and using MS and therapy to try and get through this point in my life. So thank you all for being here…
 

Substitute mom

Registrant
You have conquered so much in your life I am sure you can keep going It's worth it man If it's any help to you I had to clean up after my stepmother and her boyfriend because she could not stand seman and this brought me to the same spot as you doing older men
Whatever I can do to help You hang in there as I will keep tract t
of you to help myself too
Strength Calm and Hope
 

Substitute mom

Registrant
When I was being abused by the movie ppl, there where 2 distinct and separate sides of it. The child pornography side and then then the place where we ( the young boys were sorta auctioned off to the high society types-business men and such.

There was also a shower room but they had like security cams there and there were these separate rooms for the the men to abuse us. there was this one room that was sort of for recovery for the boys that were hurt before the had to go back or they left for the day. We called it the pink room because the walls were panted pink.
I remember spending a lot of time in that room. the first time I was there i was crying uncontrollably, and this other boy was trying to comfort me.
He kept saying that I was gonna be ok and that it goes away and that he cared about me.

i would like to continue but mabe some other time cause im getting severely triggered, im sorry. i will finish this but i cant right now

-Logan
 

Substitute mom

Registrant
You have conquered so much in your life I am sure you can keep going It's worth it man If it's any help to you I had to clean up after my stepmother and her boyfriend because she could not stand seman and this brought me to the same spot as you doing older men
Whatever I can do to help You hang in there as I will keep tract t
of you to help myself too
Strength Calm and Hope
Hope you are doing well odat
 

ODAT

Registrant
Thanks-I’m keeping my head above water.
I’m reading a great book, Traumasexuality, which is bringing me right back to when I was 8. But it is giving me a real understanding which I never had before.
Take care, Rich-
 

Bornfree

Registrant
Because of the sexual abuse, I feel that my sexuality was chosen for me. I think I'll always be confused about it. I may be more straight leaning but I identify as gay-leaning bisexual but I tell people I'm gay just because it's easier. I'm not comfortable with gay culture. Then again, I'm not comfortable with straight culture either, although I'm used to it because that's what I grew up around. I feel pumped out walking around with a woman who I'm interested in and vice-versa. When I'm around gay men, I feel ruined. I'm like no one I've ever met and I haven't met anyone who I have enough in common with to have a solid foundation for a relationship, but when I do, that's who I want to be with—if they're male or female I don't care. I'm 56, I just want to relax and enjoy life.
I feel very much the same way as you do. For so many years, I have felt so confused about my sexuality. Even my father asked me if I was gay - that was when I was 15! I'm now 60. So many many hurts over my life time, sometimes I wonder why I am still here! I don't know. When will I ever be at peace?
 

ODAT

Registrant
Part of my confusion is I did not know about the erotic template (which Joe Kort talks about.) This is where we replicate the sexual things we did as boys but does not mean we’re gay or even bi. I’m a straight, heterosexual married male age 65 who between the ages of 27-45 was giving oral sex to older married men. I didn’t realize I was giving also oral sex at 8 (as I have suppressed the last 7 months of my 9 month abuse but only realized it this last year.) That would explain why I did that with the men. I chose older married men to try to please them and give them something they were probably not getting at home. Almost all of them wanted the same thing and at the time I was happy to service them…
I’m reading a new book which is amazing called Traumasexuality. It talks all about how we become imprinted from the moment of our abuse. I highly recommend this book! I alsoI wrote a poem about imprints today on the poetry section of this site. Check it out when you have time. Rich-
 

savage_sid

Registrant
I’m reading a new book which is amazing called Traumasexuality. It talks all about how we become imprinted from the moment of our abuse. I highly recommend this book!
I'm also reading this book. Be warned, it can be quite triggering, especially the first section.
But agreed, it is a pretty amazing book. There have been other posts about it on MS (which is how I found out about it)
 

ODAT

Registrant
I'm also reading this book. Be warned, it can be quite triggering, especially the first section.
But agreed, it is a pretty amazing book. There have been other posts about it on MS (which is how I found out about it)

I know-I’m on page 26 if I feel like I’m right back in it for the first time!
 
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