Beyond the door-- the end of an era

Beyond the door-- the end of an era
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Sans Logos

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I am feeling grossly overwhelmed with my life here in mpls. Returning from pittsburgh left me with mixed emotions. On one hand I was able to put closure to a large part of my self that had, for years, existed solely to maintain a fear-based role on which to structure my persona.

On the other hand, being able to retire from the need of having to "wear" this persona every day, leaves me feeling much like a retiree might feel whose services are no longer required by the company. Part of me has been put permanently out of commission. A part of me that had over the years incinuated itself into my being has had its sense of purpose removed. I feel as if I have been neutered. I feel lost. I feel lobotomized.

I can see so clearly now that the way I "organized my life around my wound" was to only allow myself to become involved only in situations where I was in control. Which is why I have isolated myself from people, places and things. Which is why I place so much emphasis on the dance that I do with food. Which is why I have a hard time going out of the house unless there is a reason/purpose.

When I think that all I have constructed myself to be, across my lifespan, has been based on fear and the need to keep people, places and things at bay [because "me" is the only thing I can control], I feel sick. I must have been whistling in the dark all these years.

How does one begin to reconstruct a city in the midst of an earthquake? I think the best thing to do right now is just sit tight and pray some rays of light/hope find their way through the rubble.

ouch, my skin hurts
 
Hi Ron:
I'm sorry you feeling so bad. I've been impressed with your insights and help for others.

A part of me that had over the years incinuated itself into my being has had its sense of purpose removed. I feel as if I have been neutered. I feel lost. I feel lobotomized.
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I hesitate to make any suggestion or give advice. However, I know that when I can contribute to others, I feel better. The MS conf chair, Peter Dimock, could probably use some help as we get closer to the conf. That you are in Minneapolis is a real plus. Perhaps you could contact him to offer your help, if it would be a win for you and the conf.

Let me know and I'll get you his phone number and/or email addy.

Hope you are doing better.
Ken
 
Hi Ron,

I know the feeling you speak of or at least have a glimmer of its shape. Kinda the same thing i posted about in the Am I Me post. Maybe, Kinda, Sorta.

Others have had the same I believe, seen its sparkle in both posts by Danny & Joe.

Think you have the right attitude, wait to see what the sunshine shows. Replace that old feeling with something positive, something you have always wanted to do or be.

Hope you feel better soon, you have been a positive ray of light for many here at MS the past few months.

Hey aren't they short on Mods since Victor left? LOL just kiddin'. Whatever it is do it for you, my man! That would be good for all of us!

be gentle,

Aaron
 
Danny & Joe, I'm sorry. Don't want to put words in your mouths.

Sincerely,

Aaron
 
I can see so clearly now that the way I "organized my life around my wound" was to only allow myself to become involved only in situations where I was in control. Which is why I have isolated myself from people, places and things. Which is why I place so much emphasis on the dance that I do with food. Which is why I have a hard time going out of the house unless there is a reason/purpose.
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Ron,

I don't know how to tell you to get past this. Certainly if you're able to help at the conference, they could use your help. For you or anyone who's interested, contact Brenda Miller [email protected]. She is coordinating the volunteer activities for the conference.

What you describe in the piece I quoted is so close to how I lived. I still seem to live like that, stuck to the house, behind locked doors. I have been telling my wife and psychologist that I don't live my life around my wound, don't define myself by the sexual abuse in my history. Now I read what you wrote and begin to see what they mean, and, what a surprise! They're onto something, alright.

If it's any consolation, remember that you've already been a ray of light yourself today.

Aaron,

I didn't think you put words in my mouth. My mouth's been plenty big these days, so there'd be room anyway. :)

Thanks,

Joe
 
Hi Ron,

You have something that is strange in your life now. But, I bet you will begin to find ways to enjoy being whole in a new way.

Sometimes Ron, I need to tell myself that there is more to me than being a survivor. I tend to get into writing and reading and talking a bunch about being a survivor. I did that with alcoholism too. Eventually, I just got interested in things that had notinhg to do with being an alcoholic. Most people did not know I was an alcoholic and I felt no need to tell them.

It is different about being a survivor. I think it is pretty terrific to have survived. But, if I zero in too much on being a survivor, as though that is all, or at least by far the most important thing in life, then, I think I would be no help to me or anyone else.

I suspect, that with all your interests and creativity, and maybe doing grad work, etc. that you will soon see that the wound is less important to you now. But maybe not. How would I know? I often rely on distractions to get me away from pain.

Bob
 
Ron,

One brick at a time.

Slow and steady.

Be gentle, and don't forget to breathe.

Hugs MJ
 
Friends,

Thank you all for your supportive advice. I know this is much more than just another storm that I have to wait out.

It is about turning a corner in my recovery. It is exactly that: r-e-c-o-v-e-r-y. As in reconctructive recovery. Like MJ says: one brick at a time.

I do have a pretty full life. I think the main problem is that I spend nearly all of my free time alone, and that is driving me nutz.

I appreciate your suggestions about volunteering for the conference, and I'd love to be able to do that, but I am afraid to commit myself because in two weeks I start working on my grad degree and that, with work, will provide me with more than enough to keep me perfectly insane.

Bob

How would I know? I often rely on distractions to get me away from pain.
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This is precisely where I am coming from. In fact I am afraid to become so busy over the next two years because I fear I will miss opportunities to "get better". Is that stinkin' thinkin' or what.

Thank god you guys are here to remind me to stop hating myself so much.

Fondly,
Ron
 
Ron,

Re: your first post. I can relate entirely, completely, you name it, to the feeling/thought of having lived a life so far based on FEAR. I turned one corner when I started taking Effexor two years ago. After it kicked in, I came to realize how much fear and anxiety (social phobia in my case) I had been living with.

Another corner I keep turning around and around is that my fears are never very far away and will turn from a small balloon into a giant beachball if I dwell on the fear. Not dealing with whatever fearful situation I'm facing will pump the ball up really fast. In any case, time and time again facing my fear and myself, pops the ball of fear - it shrinks down to size where I can do whatever I need to in managable chunks.

My self-imposed isolation over my life time is the biggest hurdle I face in my continuing growth toward manhood.

Maybe taking up a new hobby, something you do for fun, that involves playing with others could be one way to get out of the house.

Time management and priorities... make the best use you can.

There is a big difference between being alone and feeling lonely... which one are you facing?

Many good thoughts have been shared in this thread, thank you my friends.

Jer
 
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