beware of Pandora's box

beware of Pandora's box

sr71

Registrant
I was abused from the age of 12 for the best part of 5 years and when it was over I tried to take my own life. I couldn't imagine life without my abuser, but I pulled myself together and put it behind me, put it in a box marked Do not open. I am now 55 then 2 years ago I had a minor operation and the experience of getting undressed being touched and having invasive procedures done to me seemed so reminiscent of my childhood that it all came tumbling out and I had what we used to call a breakdown. Anxiety, depression, nightmares, flashbacks and an overwhelming sense of loneliness. medicated to within an inch of my life and given counselling which seems to have made things worse. The more I delve into the box the worse things seem to get. My wife doesn't really know about my past just that something bad happened. I should have told her 20 years ago maybe she might have understood me a bit better Instead we just stopped having sex or being close in any way. To be honest I wish I could just close the fucking lid and get my life back.
 
You mention counseling when the "breakdown" occurred, are you in therapy at present? If not I would highly recommend you try to find a therapist experienced in dealing with sexual abuse issues. I am just throwing things out, but EMDR therapy has helped many of us in dealing with the memories etc, of our abuse. Also, in time marriage counseling may be helpful. I wish you well.
 
Unfortunately I can't tell you how you get back to the "before". In my experience, that's not even possible. It's more about connecting the adult life that you know as before and in which you were (apparently) allowed to live without the trauma and the current one in which you unfortunately have the box open.
I notice that you write that you wish you had told your wife something 20 years ago. It sounds like you think it's "too late" now. Because of the lack of closeness you mention? What if opneing up restores this closeness? If you don't want to tell her, that's of course okay and your decision. That was just my thought when I read your post, that it read to me as if you think it's too late now. I wish you all the best!
 
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