Better out than in
I want to post about something that just happened to me, which is really small, but for some reason has brought on a load of intense emotion. Here it goes.
It was my birthday last week. Im now 35 (joy!?!). Im feeling broken and lost right now, and ive been feeling that way for the last week, like I always usually do. I definitely didnt imagine being in the amount of pain im in at 35 in my dreams for myself as a kid, and I didnt think i'd be "so behind" in life. Though im okay, and im used to these feelings.
My mother gave me 50 dollars from her and my father for my birthday. I saw she sent it along with a short happy birthday blessing consisting of 4 words. I said thankyou with a few exclamation points, and sent some gif. She responded with a short comment related to my gif. The end.
I also just bought a product to put over my shoes to protect them from rain, because the former one I had got a hole, (and hence ruined one of my pairs of shoes). And I used some of that 50 dollars for it. Okay, cool.
Im feeling so incredibly sad right now, which leads to me being dissasociated, fighting to not dissasociate and stay in myself. I think my sadness is because of a few things.
My relationship with my mother is very complicated, to say the least. I had lots of emotional incest going on as a kid. I was severely abused, used, and ignored as a human being. My mother has a lot of issues. She is very emotionally disregulated and also very manipulative, and narcissistic. Shes a narcissist. Shes the real thing. I spent my youth listening to her, trying to soothe her, make her feel better about herself by trying to worship her, and listen to her crazy demands, and totally neglecting myself. She lives in denial there's anything wrong in our family, even though her and my father were both very abusive, cruel, etc., and that denial to see my pain has almost gotten me killed many times, because I was having nervous breakdowns from crazy stress and the toll of completely disregarding my self, my needs, my opinions, my wants, and my personality, and meanwhile she could care less while I was going through that. She seemed completely unbothered by all of that. Just going about her regular day, without an ounce of concern for me and my future.
My mother assigned me a personality during my youth, which has little to nothing to do with who i am in reality, and I feel like she doesnt know me, or care to. She just uses me to feel good about herself and as someone to vent to under the guise of "sharing". Talking to her, which i do once a week for 20 minutes or so is always crushing to me. I feel so alone afterwards. I've been out of my house since age 13, and ever since then, I've had even less to do with her than before that (i spent a lot of time with her as a kid, but always felt emotionally distant from her). I was just "abandoned" into the world at 13 by my parents, while being incredibly dissasociated and ill. And i was unable to talk with people because of crazy dissasociative problems from the social part of myself. I was put in the big wide world on my own, without being able to talk to people. It was a disaster, and the neglect almost killed me daily in those days. I didnt even know i could ask for help, and do things that are good for me and not do things that are bad for me (like not be with people 24-7 and feel outside and different from society constantly), because no one ever cared about me and saw me as a kid, and no one ever asked me how i felt or what I wanted. I wasn't allowed to want anything . The amount of selfishness, apathy, neglect, abuse, and control ive received from my mother is crazy to think about. And I still talk to her like a good little boy, and play along with her fantasy that she's the greatest mother that ever lived. Being 35 and still really hurting and then having to play along with her birthday message as if she gives a rats tail about me is hard. Then ill talk to her on the phone soon and pretend im happy/okay, so she can feel good about herself, and of course I cant ever say how im really feeling, or she'll be sad (heaven forbid). Or she'll subtly blame me to get my act together, because im not allowed to be in pain. Im there to make her feel good and be her parent, so im not allowed to have feelings, be tired, etc.. Im tired of pretending im fine so she can feel good about herself. I don't want to have anything to do with her anymore. Im tired of playing this game. Its frustrating and annoying.
The buying a cover for my shoes comes in, because whenever I do something that I associate that mothers do for their children, like in example taking them to the doctor, i feel anger. Whenever I am responsible for myself to do things that in my mind mothers do for their kids, I feel an anger of neglect, that you (my mother) should be doing this for me. Here i am existing in the wild on my own, surviving, while you're not worried in the slightest about me. Im being the parent once again. Even though I may understand that now im 35, so yeah, I should do things for myself, but a part of me longs to not be neglected and cared about and taken care of, and that I shouldn't be all on my own in the world always fighting battles myself. I need a little help from time to time. Im not just here to serve others. I also have needs, and my own life, and my own goals that at least i wish I could be doing if I felt better more of the time. Im not just a slave to others and their desires from me.
This is kind of the first post ive made on the site after my intro. I was thinking to give a whole history of my life, but ill just start somewhere, and over time I hope to share my story.
If you read this, i sincerely thank you.
Im not sure im allowed to feel sadness, and maybe what I wrote is trivial , but Im sad. And thats okay. Im allowed to feel pain from being neglected, abused, and used so many times by my mother, who I suppose is supposed to care about me.
It was my birthday last week. Im now 35 (joy!?!). Im feeling broken and lost right now, and ive been feeling that way for the last week, like I always usually do. I definitely didnt imagine being in the amount of pain im in at 35 in my dreams for myself as a kid, and I didnt think i'd be "so behind" in life. Though im okay, and im used to these feelings.
My mother gave me 50 dollars from her and my father for my birthday. I saw she sent it along with a short happy birthday blessing consisting of 4 words. I said thankyou with a few exclamation points, and sent some gif. She responded with a short comment related to my gif. The end.
I also just bought a product to put over my shoes to protect them from rain, because the former one I had got a hole, (and hence ruined one of my pairs of shoes). And I used some of that 50 dollars for it. Okay, cool.
Im feeling so incredibly sad right now, which leads to me being dissasociated, fighting to not dissasociate and stay in myself. I think my sadness is because of a few things.
My relationship with my mother is very complicated, to say the least. I had lots of emotional incest going on as a kid. I was severely abused, used, and ignored as a human being. My mother has a lot of issues. She is very emotionally disregulated and also very manipulative, and narcissistic. Shes a narcissist. Shes the real thing. I spent my youth listening to her, trying to soothe her, make her feel better about herself by trying to worship her, and listen to her crazy demands, and totally neglecting myself. She lives in denial there's anything wrong in our family, even though her and my father were both very abusive, cruel, etc., and that denial to see my pain has almost gotten me killed many times, because I was having nervous breakdowns from crazy stress and the toll of completely disregarding my self, my needs, my opinions, my wants, and my personality, and meanwhile she could care less while I was going through that. She seemed completely unbothered by all of that. Just going about her regular day, without an ounce of concern for me and my future.
My mother assigned me a personality during my youth, which has little to nothing to do with who i am in reality, and I feel like she doesnt know me, or care to. She just uses me to feel good about herself and as someone to vent to under the guise of "sharing". Talking to her, which i do once a week for 20 minutes or so is always crushing to me. I feel so alone afterwards. I've been out of my house since age 13, and ever since then, I've had even less to do with her than before that (i spent a lot of time with her as a kid, but always felt emotionally distant from her). I was just "abandoned" into the world at 13 by my parents, while being incredibly dissasociated and ill. And i was unable to talk with people because of crazy dissasociative problems from the social part of myself. I was put in the big wide world on my own, without being able to talk to people. It was a disaster, and the neglect almost killed me daily in those days. I didnt even know i could ask for help, and do things that are good for me and not do things that are bad for me (like not be with people 24-7 and feel outside and different from society constantly), because no one ever cared about me and saw me as a kid, and no one ever asked me how i felt or what I wanted. I wasn't allowed to want anything . The amount of selfishness, apathy, neglect, abuse, and control ive received from my mother is crazy to think about. And I still talk to her like a good little boy, and play along with her fantasy that she's the greatest mother that ever lived. Being 35 and still really hurting and then having to play along with her birthday message as if she gives a rats tail about me is hard. Then ill talk to her on the phone soon and pretend im happy/okay, so she can feel good about herself, and of course I cant ever say how im really feeling, or she'll be sad (heaven forbid). Or she'll subtly blame me to get my act together, because im not allowed to be in pain. Im there to make her feel good and be her parent, so im not allowed to have feelings, be tired, etc.. Im tired of pretending im fine so she can feel good about herself. I don't want to have anything to do with her anymore. Im tired of playing this game. Its frustrating and annoying.
The buying a cover for my shoes comes in, because whenever I do something that I associate that mothers do for their children, like in example taking them to the doctor, i feel anger. Whenever I am responsible for myself to do things that in my mind mothers do for their kids, I feel an anger of neglect, that you (my mother) should be doing this for me. Here i am existing in the wild on my own, surviving, while you're not worried in the slightest about me. Im being the parent once again. Even though I may understand that now im 35, so yeah, I should do things for myself, but a part of me longs to not be neglected and cared about and taken care of, and that I shouldn't be all on my own in the world always fighting battles myself. I need a little help from time to time. Im not just here to serve others. I also have needs, and my own life, and my own goals that at least i wish I could be doing if I felt better more of the time. Im not just a slave to others and their desires from me.
This is kind of the first post ive made on the site after my intro. I was thinking to give a whole history of my life, but ill just start somewhere, and over time I hope to share my story.
If you read this, i sincerely thank you.
Im not sure im allowed to feel sadness, and maybe what I wrote is trivial , but Im sad. And thats okay. Im allowed to feel pain from being neglected, abused, and used so many times by my mother, who I suppose is supposed to care about me.
.
