Better, but......

[crisispoint]

First off, thanks to all of you who've gotten me through this patch. It ain't over, but you guys (and gals, for those who PM'ed me) kept me from doing something really stupid. I treasure you all.

Now, I am feeling better, which is good, but I'm still physically sick and exhausted. I can deal with that, but I'm still feeling....I don't know. There are no words.

I'm back to not trusting anyone, not feeling safe anywhere. Once I get hunkered up at home, yes, I feel safe, but that's because I've burrowed myself in somewhere "they" can't get me. It's f**king irrational.

I've always been a little paranoid, but now, Christ, everywhere I feel like I could be under attack. I try to pretend it doesn't matter, but it does.

I'm letting myself down, and letting everyone else down. I'm scared that I'm sliding back into a depression.

It'll get better, I know, but damn, feels like I've been knocked back down into the pit.

Peace. Lord knows we all deserve it.

Scot

 

[Brayton]

Once I get hunkered up at home, yes, I feel safe, but that's because I've burrowed myself in somewhere "they" can't get me. It's f**king irrational.

I described to my therapist last night how when I travel with my partner I often end up alone in the hotel room while he is off doing things.

I told her that I often really like the solitude, that I can shut the room door and it is quiet, away from the pressure to get things done, where nobody knows me, no expectations, no judgements.

She kind of surprised me when she said that that is something that she often urges clients to to. Maybe not a hotel but to get away somewhere, away from the everyday pressures of life.

Sounds like that is what being home is for you. Maybe its not a bad thing but instead a really healthy thing, not irrational at all.

Brett