betrayal

betrayal
B

Brayton

Registrant
I'm about to leave for the weekend and won't be back here until Tuesday.

Once again on this side of the weekend I know somehow I will get through it though I wonder how in the world.

This whole week has been extraordinarily difficult. I thought it had all gotten as difficult as it could and then, well, some stuff that I was pushing away just couldn't be pushed anymore.

I held it off for a while but now it is just pushing around the edges and I have to find some accomodation for it.

I am really angry, at my T, at "him," at myself.

I don't know...stupid me, all this time I thought he was the "good" one. I feel so sick and awful. I suppose he didn't mean it or didn't mean it "in that way." I'll bet if he was around he'd deny it anyway and not give me even an excuse much less an explanation.

I mean I feel really really sick. This is awful. I vacillate between zoning out and denial. One way I feel nothing much at all except a dull pain in my gut. The other way I'm in a panic wondering how I could be so awful to suggest such things.

No matter what I do this weekend, I will be inside myself the whole time, praying for some peace.

Brett
 
Brett,

You get through the weekend like every other week, one day at a time. Holding onto the hope and vision of better days to come. Don't let one, two, or .... @$$hole$ ruin them for you.

Sounds like it is time for a new T. If you can't trust him or have been betrayed by him, he's no good for you.

Take care and hang in there,
Bill
 
Sorry about being so vague.

It seems impossible that I will ever be able to say/write the words that will clearly say who he (the perp) is.

Not my T. She is very careful with me actually and I imagine I would still be all shut up inside if not for her. I would not be posting here for certain. I don't know how I would be coping.

I write that just to honor her and avoid misunderstanding.

I am angry at her...I'm not sure exactly why. I think it is that I am angry at the process, that in some ways things just get worse and worse and nobody is telling me exactly what the happy ending will be.

I so envy the stuff some guys write about...about remembering things clearly and really making progress in terms of not blaming themselves, not feeling guilty.

I'm really not trying to cling to those things. Its just I don't know who I am/would be if not that. This really is all it has ever been, from the very beginning. It is as if I was created that way though I know that's not exactly true.

I just don't get it. Maybe every kid gets damaged to some degree and some are just better at adapting. Maybe its some kind of survival of the fittest thing. Maybe the adults in my life were behaving like loving parents, etc., not unlike most of the other families around.

Its like I'm from another planet or am just a spoiled whiny child and nobody likes that.
 
Hey Brett... I've been just where you're standing. When something you've always "known" has been confirmed by something that has been locked inside yourself the whole time?

If I'm misinterpreting your post, let me know. But if I got what you're talking about, the feelings are overwhelming and just plain suck. You feel betrayed not only by the actual event/person/whatever, but by yourself for keeping yourself in denial for so long.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. You know I'm here if you need to PM me. See you after the weekend.

-Sean
 
You've got it right, Sean. You know me so well.

When I read what you write I believe it. But, you know, later inside my head it is sometimes a different story.

I feel like going home and shredding all the pictures I have of him, especially the ones with me in them too. Or, at least, scratch out his smiles.
 
You can get through the weekend one day at a time, don't look to the past or the future focus on the now, that is the only way I can survive, even focusing on the future, just seems like it will just be as black as my past. So I have given new meaning to 'Carpe Diem' (sieze the day), I'm not impulsive or anything but I live for the now concentrate on what I can see and feel right now, otherwise I would be long gone.

I understand being mad at the process of therapy, it is a long arduous road, that will take a lot out of you, I can't lie about it, it takes so much out of you, but in the end it will all be helpful, now I need to believe that myself.

I see that you want to know who you would be if not for all the betrayals of trust, but that you can never know, just concentrate on the person you have become IN SPITE of it, yo are not who you are because of it, you are you, a strong survivor in spite of everything that has happened to you.

You are not just a whiny child, you have ever right to be upset, my theory, which I have gotten from a good friend, is that nothing that happens to someone else is worse than what happened to anyone else, just different, it can be just as damaging no matter how sever or non-severe it may seem. Your life is just different that others, not better or worse, just different. I know it may seem like so-and-so has a terrible life, so much worse than yours, but perhaps you have been just as damaged as that other person.

I think I will shut up now before I further confuse myself or you. BUt you are a survivor, and you can make it through, try to believe that.

scott
 
brett,
i was reading your second or third post here where you were talking about not knowing who you were and whether or not you were created to take over....kind of like being a golem. i know that one too well. i struggle with it myself. i learned something a few days ago through my journal. this is just my story and probably just for me, but it point to something for you.

i was terrified, still am, of losing what little identity i had left. everything i have known or believed about my life growing up was a lie. i had to be a lie as well, somehow. i was terrified to face the past for some reason and thought it was because i was afraid of losing the last vestige of who i thought i was. the truth, as i came to understand, was that a part of me fragmented off so long ago. it was my emotions that fragmented. they are blocked off and i have to go in and find them then relive them and finally accept them. i never had emotions as long as i can remember. of course i laughed and cried and was scared at times, but those emotions that matter were blocked off from me. they still are, only they are also knocking on the door, so to speak. it was never about my identity, just the other half that wants to come out into the sun now. it will get better, brett. i am here if you need me. take care.
 
Brett,
Have you left for the weekend?
Well, no matter, but I was hoping to catch you before you left.
These pictures that you were talking about, are they yours or do they belong to other family members?
I'm suggesting a ritual for you to burn some or all of those. But if they are others' pictures, and you haven't disclosed any of this to them, they may not understand you dancing around a fire with a friend or two.
I have heard of others here who have done just that and gotten some satisfaction from the exercise. Peeing on the perp's grave has given some relief from the pain of the past. Any of this probably should be discussed with your therapist, but you may give it some thought...there is power in some ritual.
Your brother in the struggle,
Peace and strength,
David
 
First of all, I got through the weekend.

The support you gave before I left and thinking of you all over the weekend helped a lot.

I am still struggling. I feel kind of shut down. Its really hard being around people. I am kind of insulated but still I would rather be in an entirely anonymous situation. I feel threatened.

Not surprising I guess considering the memories/impressions that have been coming to me.
Huge betrayal--him for doing what he did if he did it and me for suggesting he did it, accusing him whether or not he did anything.

I am copying the photos. Don't know what I will do with them. First impulse is to scratch out faces, his and mine, to see what, if anything, is left.

I feel sort of out of my body as I write this, like I am watching myself write it. Cut off from my feelings. Like writing about the betrayal stuff above. Just an idea, no feelings attached. No thoughts either except the ones I have already had before this.
 
Brett
I so envy the stuff some guys write about...about remembering things clearly and really making progress in terms of not blaming themselves, not feeling guilty.
Click to expand...
We're all different, and some remember things - some don't, so don't beat yourself up about this.

Work on what you know, and once that's dealt with you will have the knowledge and the tools to deal with anything else that does come along a lot better.
A bit of the "what you don't know ain't gonna hurt you" attitude can go a long way sometimes.

Dave
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top