Best little boy in the world

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Growing up in a small town in Kentucky I was over protected and dominated by my mother. I became extremely depressed when I was probably 7 or 8 years old. I began having body sensations but didn't know what they were or what caused thrm. Later I felt it was a repressed memory of sexual abuse when I was very young. My mother threatened to take me to a psychiatrist a couple times because I was so quiet, shy, and introverted. I stayed in my room all the time and avoided people at all costs. I even remember thinking I wish I was mute so I wouldn't have to talk to people.

My brother and I grew up with my mother's 1st cousins who were only 5 years older than us. They were fraternal twins. One ended up being gay. However it is the 1 who was supposedly straight that repeatedly sexually abused me beginning when I was about 11 or 12 years old. They lived in the country in a large farmhouse with a couple out buildings.

My brother and I would play with them and have sleepovers quite often. I don't remember exactly the 1st episode of sexual abuse but I do remember being in an out building on the farm for a sleepover. I remember the one twin touching my genitals which startled me awake.

One episode was when my brother and I were sleeping at the cousin's house. We were in a large bed with the non abusive cousin and the bed was situated in or near the living Room. The other cousin came in from a date. I remember hearing the car and then the front door open and close. The next thing I remember was the cousin was giving me fellatio. I was in a somnolent state and when he began doing that it startled me and I jumped and yelled. When I did that he scrambled quickly to the sofa. The other twin that was in the bed with us grabbed the overhead string to pull on the light and there was nothing of course there to be seen. It was attributed to a nightmare I suppose.

The final episode that's stands out in my memory was they were both spending the night at my house with me and my brother. My parents were not home for some reason. We were all in the small TV Room and my brother fell asleep in a recliner and the non abusive cousin slept on the sofa in the TV Room. The cousin who abused me and I slept in my parents bed. I was awakened a short time later with my cousin holding my hand on his penis and masturbating himself with my hand in his and using his other hand on my penis to masturbate me. It's scared me so much I didn't know what to do. I laid there for a few minutes terrified but it also felt good and I didn't want it to stop.

After several minutes I pretended to be asleep and I just shifted my body to my side and repositioned away from him. I don't remember it happening any more that night but it was a significant memory that was difficult for me to deal with.

The sensations were so pleasurable during the sexual abuse, but it at the same time i was instilled with fear and shame and guilt because I didn't understand sex at the time. And didn't really know what to do. I had a great deal of difficulty processing the situation for many years to come. But I hoped and even dreamed of being outright sexual with him for many years.

I secretly wished and hoped that it would happen again and again, because it was so pleasurable. That confusion and my strange desire to have it happen again fed further into my guilt and shame.

Later I became even more introverted. Also when I finally became sexually active as an adult I became a sex addict. As a gay man I was sexually active in many public and semi private venues. Sex was easy, quick and quite available everywhere. Parks. Public restrooms, University restrooms, adult movies known as "peep shows" and bathhouses. Anywhere a man could pull out his penis I would have sex.

My sex addiction and promiscuity, I believe, contributed significantly to my becoming HIV positive in 1980 when I was only 23 years old.

Eventually I sought treatment for the post traumatic stress disorder brought on by the sexual abuse, my mother's emotional and physical abuse and the trauma of the events of 911. Treatment was successful and I no longer am I plagued with anxiety, fears, shame, guilt and regret.
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