Being told to confront abuser

Being told to confront abuser
G

Grunty1967b

Registrant
I've just joined here and my first day has been very emotional and also very comforting.

I wanted to put out there what rocked me to my core when reading a book about survivers of childhood sexual abuse.

This chapter said you had to confront the abuser, get them to explaim themselves and have them make up with you if possible? What the?!!!

Does anybody else get enraged and torn apart by this or am I so off the planet and out of touch?
 
Welcome. Let me say I am sory for what brings you here and I am gla you have found this place.

As far as confrontation is concerned, everyone is diferent; that is to say, each survivor's need and desire to "confront" their abuser varies. I know confrontation is not to be considered without the help and guidance of someone who has experience and understands fully what you are going through (this is usually a therapist).

I have never confronted my abuser directly. I have, however, written letters, ddressed to my abuser, about the effect of the abuse. It was very helpul for me to do that.

Again, welcome. Read the stories, participate in the discussions and I am sure you will ind this place unique and meaningful.

Peace,
James
 
Grunty, I agree, this would be very difficult to do. Very difficult. Welcome to MS and go easy on yourself. Remember the book you read was only one person's opinion, not the gospel. Peace, Andrew
 
Hello,

I can sympathize with your frustration. I can also assure you that no one can tell you that you "have" to confront your abuser. That's up to you. And you certainly don't have to "make up" with your abuser or forgive him/her. If anyone tells you you do, they obviously don't understand the process of working through these issues. We have to go through a lot of grieving, and pulling the disparate parts of ourselves together, which can take years, before we can consider whether or not we want to confront or forgive.

There are many, many books about survivors of childhood sexual abuse, and most of them take into account what I just said above. I encourage you to shop around and look for recommendations of particular books on this site that have been helpful for others. I know that "Broken Boys, Mending Men" has been very validating for me.

Jeff
 
Hi,

I think the idea that confrontation or reconciliation is necessary is simply not true and nothing I have read on this would agree with the author. I think some of the early writing on abuse did say this but its not current therapy thinking in anything I have read.

Confrontation, forgiveness and reconciliation are very individual things and can be appropriate for some but they are not necessary for recovery. None of them should be forced or done under any pressure. Frankly I think the book is talking rubbish, certainly in my case, one abuser is dead the other has no intention of explaining himself, he doesnt even admit to what he did.

Welcome to the site, its been a great help for me and I hope it will be for you also.

Peter.
 
Grunty:
Confrontation is a serious act that needs to be well thought out. See this article before you do anything.

https://www.malesurvivor.org/Survivors/Adult%20Survivors/Articles/singer3.htm

Ken
 
G,

Ditto.

You've just gotten the best that this site has to offer. Debunking the trash that we hear from time to time, and encourging you to read further through the many good books offered through our bookstore. "Victims No Longer," is another.
Welcome and make yourself at home,

David
 
Grunty - Do you have a therapist? I would sure advise working through this whole subject with an experienced person trained in this area. My experience. No one ever HAS TO confront...it's an informed choice. WHY CONFRONT? When/if you're ready to confront for YOUR OWN BENEFIT. My experience is not to ask them why? but rather this is what YOU did to me and this is how it has screwed up MY life (NO DEFENSE!!)-ONLY RESPONSES [if you let them] is apology, to take responsibility for their action, take guilt/shame/blame from you and PERP to take it upon themself! Don't make rushed decisions nor feel you have to because someone (even an 'expert') said you have to!! It's your recovery!!! Listen to the guys here...they all gave really sound advice!!!

Howard
 
Welcome to MS Grunty,

Sorry you have the reason that led you to find this place - but glad that you are here - you'll find a lot of great people here -

Confrontation - it's something that only 'you' can decide whether it is right for you or not - What book are you reading in?

I confronted a few years ago - I got miserable responses (uncle chose to deny everything and mom chose to not even acknowledge it) - but it was something I did for 'me' - and their miserable responses only proved their dysfunctional ways all that much more solidly to me...

Forgiveness/reconcilliation - these are also very personal things that only 'you' can decide on -

I would highly recomend that you not rush into anything - spend some more time here (there is a lot of good info to be found in articles here) - read some more books (Victims No Longer has done wonders for me) - the more you know - the more informed you are - the better of a decission you can make as to what is right for 'you'

Welcome,

TJ jeff
 
Hi Grunty

I'm curious what book were you reading that said:

"This chapter said you had to confront the abuser, get them to explaim themselves and have them make up with you if possible? What the?!!!"

"have them make up with you if possible? What the?!!!" That is the first time I have heard that.

Thats a pretty blanket statement above but you are in the right place to find out as much info as you can. I confronted one of my abusers earlier this year but that was after studying the link that Ken has put up.

I read and re-read that for about eight months and when the opportunity arose for me to confront the perp I was well prepared. I also had support (in the shape of three journalists, two photographers and my wife)

For me it was an easy choice to make as I had decided a long time ago that I would confront them all at some time as they dont frighten me any more. I recorded my feelings immediately after the confronttion on my new DVD camcorder and rather flippantly said "I would recommend confrontation to anyone that has been abused". I should have added "But do it only when you feel confident enough to do so with support and in a controlled environment".

For me it was a incredable experience as I grabed back the power he had had over me for thirty plus years and I told him what I thought of him and what he had done after we had trapped him in a lift.

I am very wary about comments such as "YOU HAVE TO" as that implies we dont recover if we dont, it helps but it is not the answer to everything for everyone.

I'm still waiting for the opportunity to confront the others.

I wish you well on your journey.

Kirk
"Instigate change, as it appears it wont come naturally in our cause. Sometimes it needs a little forcing".
 
Grunty,

Check out the site that Ken referred you to. It is impossible for me to look up and confront one of my abusers. He was killed 6 months after he molested me. IF, I had the desire, I could look up all the others and confront them. I have no such desire. Like several here have relayed to you, that is a personal decision that only you can make for yourself, and if you do, you should have the support of a good therapist.

I do not know the circumstances of your abuse, but this is my take on confrontation. If you were abused by a family member and you wish to have some sort of relationship with them, then I would think you would have to confront the issue. If facing your abuser is something that you have a burning desire/need to do, to heal yourself (not them),then I would think you would have to confront the issue.

I am very leery of ANYONE that tells me face to face,in a book, over the phone,or on a website, what I 'must' do. I mustn't do any thing except die one day. No one can tell YOU what YOU must do to heal from YOUR abuse, Grunty. YOU do what you feel you need to do. For me, personally, I know it would be almost as traumatic as going through the initial abuse. That is just ME, though. We are all different. I know guys here that have confronted their abuser, and even offered them forgiveness. They needed to do that for themselves, not their abuser, and it worked great for them. I admire them for that ability, but at the same time I have no less respect or admiration for those of us who choose not to ever go there again in any way, shape, or form.

Welcome to Male Survivor, Grunty, and hang around. You'll get a lot of excellent advice and options from the great guys here.
 
I know this may sound silly....but I wrote my step-brother a letter. I told him everything I needed to tell him and wanted to say, just put his name on the envelope and put it in the mailbox, obvioulsy he wouldn't get it. (I didn't put an address on it, plus, he passed away when I was 18). But hat was my way to confront him. Take your time, don't rush into things.
 
Thanks Lucky, that does help. I recall hearing that before but I'd forgotten about it. I'll add it to me "sometime" list. Thanks.
 
You may have read a book which told you you have to confront your abuser but it was just a book amongst many other books and there are plenty of books on the same shelf that tell you to do that but only if certain special conditions are met.

Namely one that YOU want to. Two that YOU understand within yourself why you want to do it. Three that once you have decided why you want to confront someone and that it will be GOOD FOR YOU then you decide if you can handle it.

You really have to know what you will get out of confronting someone. The problem that exists is like Forrest Gump said "Life is like a box of chocalates you never know what you will get!".

I confronted my Mother for example, or if you like, I started to ask her about why she did to me what she did without any specifics at all, half asking half telling just to see what she would say and do. I wanted to confirm what I remembered.

And was I surprised. That is, she started to do all the mental games to get me to not tell anyone, or even believe it was true, etc. I was in shock for days sometimes, that is, in anxiety and fear and didn't even know why sometimes! It took me days to figure it out, that is, that was what she told me when I was a child so I was getting the same reactions I did back then which I had forgotten about.

I didn't have a therapist since the one I had was against it because he said "I couldn't handle it".

And even though I am glad I did it and got thru it it still was tuff and there was something to what he said.

SO if you are going to do this I suggest you do it with a therapist who wants to support you on this. I think that is the key thing.

If you do have a therapist and he or she says don't do it then ask why until you are satisfied with the answer.

I would talk to friends as I was doing this and they would give me feedback on what they thought of her response. IT was helpful so I had a support system of soughts.

Hope this helps.

At the same time perhaps you will have less of a tough experience since no two abusers or people are alike but a support system is always necessary it is not good to do it alone and more importantly know what you will get out of it and what you want.

And expect to be dissapointed for the most part since an abuser is someone who had crossed a very big human line and is unlikely to act as normal and nice and apologetic as you think.

Hope this helps!! Don't make confronting the abuser an macho thing, that is the main point.
 
Grunty - you may have read elsewhere on this site that I am in the process of confronting my abuser. I am doing it through legal channels (police / CPS / Crown Court).

The actual confrontation will take place in court.

Make up with him? Never in a million years - he's had the opportunity to admit what took place & denied it. He is now denying similar accusations from a second person.

It is your right to have whatever feelings you have about your abuser...if you want him to rot in hell, then that is similar to my feelings.

If you want to be politically correct and give him some 'valid reason' for carrying out the abuse (maybe it was his human right to do so, regardless of your rights not to have it done) then that is also your right.

If a book or a person tells you to feel a certain way and it is totally against what you really feel, then throw the book away or tell the person where to get off.

It is you that is important.

Best wishes ...Rik
 
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