Being stuck and scared

[txb]

I'm half asleep and its the middle of the night, but I really need to write this stuff or I will go crazy. Or more crazy. I really need to write about things that happened to me. Not here, just to myself. I don't care if this isn't the right or official way to do things, this is what I really need to do. I was so ecstatic to find that it actually felt like things were resolved with this one incident that I managed to write about. An incident that probably equates to one millisecond of my time being abused. But it's a start. So all I need to do is write about the rest of the times.

Except that's where I'm stuck. And I'm back to my old problem of 'I can't talk about it'. It's just so hard. That stuff is scary and sick and disturbing. Why would I even want to go there. Part of me is still standing around with my fingers in my ears trying not to hear and pretending nothing happened. It's really hard. I'm scared about how much it might hurt.

Another thing that's scary is thinking about what I might be left with in the end. It's kind of hard to admit this..... but who am I going to be if I'm not that hurt and scared kid, or the guy with a huge chip on his shoulder that hates everyone and everything. Or the morbid and suicidal guy. It seems like part of my identity is being a victim?? Not that I want this. And what if "I'm not really lazy and unmotivated, it's just PTSD" turns out to actually be nope, I really am lazy and unmotivated. Seems like my hobbies are: being overly anxious about minor events, cutting or burning myself, making myself throw up, having nightmares and just generally being a complete mess. What will I do if I'm not doing that? Who am I really???

My place in my family is being the little kid who needs lots of love and care. My whole childhood was not awful, but for a lot of it I was alone and left to fend for myself. So I really appreciate what I have now. I have to grow up some time though. It's scary to think about that, like who would I be then? And how would they relate to me?

My girlfriend I think probably got with me because she had that girl thing of "I can save you". She is my biggest helper and supporter. But what if I don't need a helper and supporter any more?? What will happen then? Maybe she won't want me anymore? I still want her. As well as being my supporter she is smart and funny and insane. But it's just hard to imagine how things might be if I'm not the hurt person who needs saved anymore.

Being stuck seems like it has it's advantages...? But at the same time I want to do this and I want to move on. I HATE this. For like 5 years now I've been stuck in this, just never really making progress, or fixing one thing and having something new take it's place. I need to get away from this. I'm so sick of it. I need it to leave me alone. It's not like I can just put it to the side and take a break for a bit. I do really need to do it now, then just move on. I don't know what the point in this post is, but I think I can sleep now.

 

[don64]

Hi txb,

My experience with being stuck is the fear of changing was greater than the discomfort of staying stuck. Unfortunately, to took a great deal of discomfort to make me change. I hope you don't have to do it that way

So, the only thing I can say is that figuring out what I needed to do to revisit the scene of the crime, and figuring out contexts for safely releasing that old trapped energy was the only way out for me.

Sending you support.

Don

 

[concerned_husky]

.

 

[justplainme]

Anger is good, it mean's you want to change the current situation mate. Just get the help you need.

 

[Jude]

Hey txb,

The others have given you some great responses. I just wanted to weigh in on the GF issue. First I believe that many, perhaps most women, approach men in relationships as opportunities to change/reform us. And maybe we do need saving/reforming to some degree. But when that dynamic is the whole basis for the relationship, there is usually trouble ahead. Either the guy grows and changes and the dependancy fades, or the girl begins to resent the thankless effort she's put into the guy. Either way, the wheels come off fairly quickly.

My suggestion is to address the issue head-on. Sit down with her and tell her how much you love and appreciate her for all her support and help. Tell her that you are working hard to recover from your issues, and are making progress. But you are beginning to think about what will happen to your relationship once you are less in need of her support. Don't imply that she's doing anything wrong in her giving you that support. Make it clear that you are bringing this up because you don't want things between you to go bad. Ask her about her feelings about the issue. Then listen.

I have no way to judge whether that "needy guy/saviour girl" dynamic is really the basis for the relationship. But I do know (and have learned the hard way) that potential relationship problems don't go away if we avoid them. In the long haul you are both better off knowing if the relationship is heading in a healthy direction or not.

But make no mistake, every relationship comes with its own set of problems. Some are deal killers. Some can be worked out. But please don't let this weigh you down. Consider talking to your T about it. Perhaps even a few couples sessions on the issue would be of help.

Relationships are hard. But you can do this!

Be well,

Jude

 

[txb]

Thanks for the replies. Sorry it has taken me forever to say that. I've been kinda busy. But I've just finished the uni course I was taking. I have nothing else lined up now so I have plenty of time on my hands. Thanks Jude for the relationship advice but my girlfriend ended up moving out. We are on a break - whatever that means. I actually feel ok about this, though probably it should be the worst thing ever. Way more has happened than I can be bothered to write, but I think maybe this is the right choice. The only thing I really feel is relief.

Thanks Husky for taking the time to write. I really appreciate it. I think I might have misrepresented myself a bit. I think what I wrote about the way my family sees me was just my perception. My relationships with them are much more complex. And it's not like I'm just sitting around getting all their attention. I try to help them out too. They just seem like they have been pushing me more lately. I guess they think I can do more, or I'm ready for more. That kind of scared me. And you are right, I DO know some things for certain about myself. Like about my religious beliefs - or lack of them and beliefs I have about how I think the world should be. I'm not sure if personality and beliefs might be a constantly evolving thing? I do also think I am much much further forward than I was when I joined here. I know at the start I figured that I wasn't completely safe, things could still happen to me because it was hard for me to say no. I actually feel pretty safe now. I think I've made some pretty good progress really. Even outside of CSA stuff, I've gone places and done stuff I didn't think I could. I know what you mean about hoping that getting up every day won't be such a chore. I have had times where I felt like life was really happening and I was completely in the moment. Like actually feeling alive.

But........it's like I hit a brick wall now. I just can't go any further. Or maybe it's more that I don't want to because I just don't have the guts. I'm kind of disappointed in myself. I know I should do it because it will pay off in the long run. I'm probably going to regret this later. But I'm just so done with it. I feel like everyone else needs a break away from me trying to deal with this too. Like I'm dragging everyone else down for no good reason. I'm going to focus on things that I feel like I might actually be able to have some control over. Things like my anxiety, sleep, self harm and stuff. I know that this is a backwards way to do things. I really should focus on what's causing it. I suppose I have a few loose ends to tie up with some minor CSA stuff but after that I'm not going to go any further.