Being OK with being a sexual being
LoneWolfX
Registrant
TRIGGER WARNING!
This relates strongly to my post in the Sexual Identity
Forum here
It feels as if I am a little unusual in my feelings in regard to being a sexual being. I mean I get the impression (it may well be confirmation bias?) that the majority of guys here went on to have normal relationships. I am not suggesting, however, this was not very very hard and there were huge issues and obstacles to overcome. And a lot of guys get married and have kids.
In contrast I shy away from relationships and intimacy. I guess they sort of terrify me. My abuser got satisfaction through what he did to me and that was a turning point in my life. So I must admit I do have sexual desires and act on them in the form of masturbation. But I don't feel good about it. The fact that it is pleasurable and ends in ejaculation disgusts me. My mind says that I am just as disgusting as my abuser - my body works just like his. I think the worst part is ejaculation - it makes me feel extremely dirty. As far as I recall the abuse started with me seeing him ejaculate in the pool (it was on purpose not accidental). So ejaculation has a strong association with the abuse. Like the squirting when he made me do oral on him or drinking his semen out of a glass tumbler. My mind also tells me that women also see ejaculation as disgusting. I dunno if they do and just tolerate it or it is just in my mind.
I know that sex can be used for good or bad but I can't get past the bad.
This relates strongly to my post in the Sexual Identity
Forum here
It feels as if I am a little unusual in my feelings in regard to being a sexual being. I mean I get the impression (it may well be confirmation bias?) that the majority of guys here went on to have normal relationships. I am not suggesting, however, this was not very very hard and there were huge issues and obstacles to overcome. And a lot of guys get married and have kids.
In contrast I shy away from relationships and intimacy. I guess they sort of terrify me. My abuser got satisfaction through what he did to me and that was a turning point in my life. So I must admit I do have sexual desires and act on them in the form of masturbation. But I don't feel good about it. The fact that it is pleasurable and ends in ejaculation disgusts me. My mind says that I am just as disgusting as my abuser - my body works just like his. I think the worst part is ejaculation - it makes me feel extremely dirty. As far as I recall the abuse started with me seeing him ejaculate in the pool (it was on purpose not accidental). So ejaculation has a strong association with the abuse. Like the squirting when he made me do oral on him or drinking his semen out of a glass tumbler. My mind also tells me that women also see ejaculation as disgusting. I dunno if they do and just tolerate it or it is just in my mind.
I know that sex can be used for good or bad but I can't get past the bad.