Being intimate for the first time - what is okay?

[ellaloth]

My boyfriend is a CSA survivor - it happened once, when he was 10 years old. He is twenty now. Ever since, his first consensual sex experiences always involved drugs or alcohol. Then, he had a girlfriend he was in love with, with whom he had consensual sex, and then they broke up. He says he "has dealt with" the CSA, though right now he is depressed (a whole lot of other really shitty things happened to him too in the meantime). He has started therapy, is taking medicine, and his therapist knows about it. With the depression, he is on the road to recovery and feeling better. He has support from family and friends, he attends group therapy, and, to outside appearances, is happier than he has been in years.

We've talked about our being intimate for the first time- he says he is "nervous", and that I should just "pounce on him" - his words.

My question is - how do I know that he is okay with being intimate? Do I believe him? Can I really believe what he says, should I take the lead, take *some* control and go really slowly? Have any survivors tried to push themselves into being more intimate just to please their partners?

My instinct is to let him control things in this area, because I don't want to trigger anything. Yet he keeps telling me I should "go ahead", he wants to do it, but is "too shy".

And any other advice? I've read through all the posts here - let him control when and how he wants to discuss it; make sure that he knows that this experience is not all that he is; let him know I will be there if he wants to talk about it.

 

[SAR]

Have any survivors tried to push themselves into being more intimate just to please their partners?

Yes.

I don't think that in the context of a loving, long term relationship, this is always a bad thing... as long as there is communication on both sides, there is nothing wrong with people going slowly (I am talking, like, months and years slowly) and expanding their "comfort zones"-- and I am not talking about forcing yourself to have sex when you're triggered. I'm talking about expanding intimacy in general-- learning to be okay with different kinds of touch and communication and learning new ways to connect to each other.

You may want to consider, though, that taking control and initiating sex is what feels uncomfortable for him. He may associate that role with the perpetrator or feel shame about his desires, and feel more "familiar" with someone else in charge.

My concern would be that if he's so shy and has this sort of conflict about really identifying or expressing his own sexual feelings, that the communication will not be easy for him. In that case, things can go wrong VERY quickly, from the "okay" type of testing your comfort zones to the NOT okay type of letting someone else invade them.

 

[beccy]

Hi Elloloth,

a couple of good books; The Survivors Guide To Sex, by Staci Haines and Ghosts In The Bedroom.

I'd suggest probably being able to achieve some kind of dialogue outside the bedroom/situation is maybe a good idea, depending on if he is also comfortable with that.

it's not easy, but you sound like a very caring, thoughtful person.

peace

 

[ellaloth]

Thank you so much - Ghosts in the Bedroom is a comfort to read. Thank you both.

 

[Caetel]

"My instinct is to let him control things in this area, because I don't want to trigger anything".

In my opinion the key thing is not to avoid triggers (you can't know in advance what's going to trigger this or that) but to learn together how to welcome and integrate triggers in your love/intimacy life. It could be a could thing to talk about triggers a little bit in advance and ask him what's helpful then.
As a survivor, I got triggered bad while my bf gave me a massage lately. I told him that at the time I really needed to feel protected.
Part of the work in therapy will be afterwards to understand the triggers so they lose their power and impact on your bf.
I hope this will help you. There is nothing wrong to go slow, no need to go "all the way" the first time (that gives the survivor a lot of pressure).
Warmest regards