Being Home: Pain, Confusion, Shame and Chaos

[Robert1000]

Hey folks,

So I was home for the past 11 days, first with my parents and then my wife's family. The days with my parents were tough, because my mother still can't or can only barely admit that what happened to me was real. I'm a survivor of Child Sexual Assault. That happened. Now and then she says, "Everyone remembers things differently." Maybe that sounds fine, but I know what she means. She means I'm making it up. Except I'm not.

Anyway, two times she said she thought that she could understand things just by looking at me/that she should have known something was wrong. By the way, this is why it's important for people to actually communicate with words rather than looks. Both times, I explained to her that to my 10-year-old mind, this wasn't something that someone had done to me. It's something I had done. So it's not like I had an owie that I would tell on someone about. The scumbag who abused me made it clear to me that I was the problem, that it was my fault, and I BELIEVED HIM. Deep in my heart I believed him. And so I hid what had happened. To protect my parents. To protect myself from myself. Maybe she finally heard me, although I think that's probably asking too much. She seems to lose ground when I'm gone. Then we retread those painful steps again, only to lose ground yet again. It's frustrating and horrible.

So anyway... after five days of that special kind of purgatory, my wife arrived and we traveled to her family's house for a reunion of a sort. I should mention that my wife's mother is an alcoholic, and she caused all kind of chaos in my wife's childhood. She remains a wonderful person who sometimes struggles with substance abuse and dysfunction. (Don't we all.) On our first night with her family, I got terribly drunk with one of my brothers-in-law. Apparently, I tried to fight him, or tried to make him fight me. I can only barely recall. I was blackout drunk. I passed out in the yard. Threw up. Finally stumbled into bed, waking up the entire world in the process. And then I spent the next day with one of the worst hangovers in my life.

That was about a week ago. I've recovered physically. My wife is still mad. She feels like this is too similar to what happened 8 or 9 years ago in the year leading up to an affair I had. I know it's not. I know I'm in a different place in my life. Back then, I had yet to honestly look at the CSA from my childhood. In major ways, every day was a struggle.

But I'm still struggling today, too. This morning, I wrote my wife a text saying that sometimes I feel like home for me is still just a place to work up a good dose of self hatred. It's not a healthy pattern.

Anyway, that's where I am today. I have a therapy appointment scheduled. I've clearly got a lot to talk about, but on this roller coaster called life I'm really feeling the ups and downs. Today, anyway, the downs are giving me flashbacks.

Stay strong, everybody. Keep healing.

Bob

 

[KMCINVA]

Sounds like an eventful 11 days. I am sorry your mother is still caught up in denial. Sadly some people never get it, their denial not only hurts themselves but the survivor. I do hope one day she opens her mind and heart.

You comment about you home being a place to work up a good dose of self hatred can be an indication you do not feel safe and without a sense of safety the healing process can be put on hold. I understand your words all too well. I have been in a different environment for the past two years and I can see and feel the change, still have work to do, but environment and those around greatly influence how you feel about yourself. I hope you are able to resolve this and you feel safe in your own home and not turn of yourself.

Good luck and thank you for sharing.

Kevin

 

[Robert1000]

That's about right. I think that denial is one of those forms of abuse that starts as a survival mechanism for one individual but then causes problems for those people around you.

Anyway, I had a good meeting with therapist. It was good to just let it all out, not to hide any of it. I think I'm done trying to whitewash the past... or the present. It's just too much work. I know the pain denial can cause. Living in denial is no way to live.

Thanks. I think it was good to let it out here, too. I appreciate this site tremendously. Take care.

Bob

 

[trishy]

Hi bob

You posted on family and friends so I hope its ok to respond.
what you and kevin have said makes sense. When we go home we stay at friends or in a hotel, with a hire car to get around. This reduces my partner's worries before we go, and gives him control over who he sees and when he leaves.

Having a safe bolt hole makes the trips much easier, and less intense. For both of us! I think for my guy, we change the number of days and the arrangements to suit how he is feeling as his boundaries and safety needs are a changing thing. he's now comfy with identifying what he wanted as the travel arrangements so he feels safe and ok there. I used to stay at my family's prior to being partnered with him, so it took them a bit to adjust, but now its just what we do.

He hasn't disclosed to his parents as an adult so the denial isnt part of his fall out, beyond the 3 times he told them as a boy. what a brave kid and what a brave guy is all I can say! To all of you.

Bob, how do you give yr wife space and room to be fightened that you'll hurt her again, and then she is angry about it? Does that trigger you? I'm not able to process my fall out or needs without it wigging my guy out and making it worse, which I find is silencing me.

what other things do people here do to make home town visits safe? I am keen to hear.

Thanks for this post, I think its helped me settle my mind and emotions tonight. I am so grateful for this site!

Thank you

Trish

 

[Robert1000]

Hi Trish,

Thanks for your thoughts. I find it very difficult to give my wife space to be frightened and hurt. When she's hurt, I often think (and this is sometimes what she says) that she's through with me. It's a scary thought for me. She closes herself off, usually for a day or so. It's very difficult for her to be intimate after that. It scares me really bad. I'd say she has difficulty trusting people in general. But I have had A LOT of therapy, and I think that while I am VERY much in love with her and VERY much want to stay with her and be the partner she wants and needs, I'm OK if she were to decide for her own reasons that she has to go her own way. It would hurt like hell, and I would do everything possible to keep her, but I have made peace with the idea that every day with her is a good day... but it might also be the last day. I don't know what the future holds.

I mean, what if she died in a car wreck, God forbid? I can't control that. What if she decided that she was better off without me or with someone else. That's what my sister in law decided with her husband. I can't control that or control her.

But I can take care of myself, and I can grow my capacity to comfort myself and heal myself. I'm a grown man, 43 years old. I have two kids... ages 8 and 16. I'm a professional. I can take care of myself and my loved ones, and if need be, I could co-parent with my spouse from a distance. I don't want to. But I could. Those kinds of thoughts give me comfort, and let me know life goes on and will go on no matter what happens.

Also, I take courage from the knowledge that my spouse relies on me, I think, even more than she realizes. I play a major role in our relationship, as far as envisioning the future and our life together. She's great at getting things done and she lends structure to everything she touches, everything she does, but we complement each other well. And to help me get over my own pain and shame, I think about the role I play in our relationship. And then I do it.

Also, lots and lots of therapy has been very helpful, including several years of EMDR. I get triggered much less than I used to. I think my self-esteem is much stronger. I used to really suffer from dissociate really hard--like kind of lose touch with reality--and that's much better. It still happens, but not as much. And usually I know when it's starting to happen (except when I started binge drinking the other day!).

Anyway, I hope that's helpful. I believe you need to be able to express yourself, your full range of feelings, to be able to be a full partner. I mean, sure, I was hurt, but I'm also responsible for the things I've done. I don't just get a blank check to be an irresponsible jerk because someone hurt me. And my spouse needs a partner. It's my responsibility to be that partner... someone she can count on and lean on and you know have fun with and stuff. That's not too much to ask.

Good luck, and thanks for writing. I posted here, and also on male survivors, because I like to hear from the spouses and friends and family. It's often useful/helpful/enjoyable to hear from you all. In fact, some of my best friends on this site are spouses/friends/family.

Take care.

Bob