Being drawn in and out of the gay lifestyle +Possible Triggers+


I was indoctrinated early into a sexual lifestyle and around the same time I lost a testicle. I couldn't psychologically see it at the time, but emasculation was going to become a big part of my sexuality. I was to be sexually aroused but never allowed to cum. He wanted me to be constantly sexually frustrated so I would perform better for him. Etched in my brain is my little hand he introduced, and wrapping my fingers around him thinking at the time his size was massive. I was always gently nudged into position, knowing full well it is always going to end violently. It was all about him and his mind blowing orgasms.

Fast forward several decades and women are going frigid at an alarming rate. I tend to be more erotic around women. A lot of feelings will be expressed in the relationship. With men, I am much different. Everything feels a lot more primal. In losing my hetero-eroticism, I instantly gain a more physical homo-sexuality. Hopefully he will enjoy emasculating me as much as I might enjoy his masculine energy.

I would like to add, I deeply respect Joe Kort and his "Straight Guise" blog. So many definitions fit my description, but I've settled on the hetero erotic / homo sexual designation.

I've pretty given up on sexual identity and orientation. Most people think I'm straight as an arrow. I'm just not entirely convinced, I should put all the value on having an erotic relationship, with a female. This is so hard to explain, There are huge emotional releases I receive in same sex relationships that just don't exist in your conventional him/her. This sounds weird as I was not given the freedom of choice, so I have learned this in a bizarrely horrible unconventional fasion.

So if I have huge emotional releases with men, why should I pursue erotic relationships with women?
Last edited:


Hugs to you in this confusing time, all I can suggest is to follow your heart and do t let society dictate your life, live for yourself.
What Jonny999 wrote!! We are all different and we don't have to accept the labels that others put on us, or put those labels on ourselves. We are free adults and we can choose how we want to live. Follow your heart.


I didn't read the OP much but I have to add; being gay (or lgbtq+) is not a lifestyle choice.

It has been said and purported, by homophobic ideologues that it is. Science tells us otherwise.

The lifestyle choice is to live freely, openly and honestly...

okay, will read this after I get some sleep.


As my bisexual husband has told me, it’s possible to be bi and be attracted to men and women differently, wanting different things out of relationships with either gender, even to the point of being physically attracted to both men and women but only being romantically attracted to one gender. Not sure if that applies to you but it’s normal.