Being disowned for being a horrible person - rant

[takingitslow]

My younger brother has cut me from his life.
I owe him £0 but he is fed up of my gambling and the impact it has on my mood and behaviour. I become desperate angered and nasty when I have blown a significant amount of £££.

I am stressed 24/7 angry most of the time with my - job, living arrangements and debt problems.

I guess in my head I think it is reasonable to be angry with this situation but I need to be more accountable for my actions. I cannot stop gambling once I have started and I am currently facing multiple high interest short term loans which will cripple my pay packet for the next 4-5 months.

I would say I have hit rockbottom but I have felt that way countless times before.

My head is saying just give my 1 months notice from my job and hope it all works out. I hate my job I hate the customers and I am pretty mad 24/7 at work. Colleague laziness annoys me my low pay for incredible hard work annoys me the general public annoy me.

Anyway back to the opening of this post- I have been disowned by my brother and I think it's a tad harsh going on out of order on his part. But I can be a monster and a bully but I'm just trying to survive most days to keep my mind and bank balance just above critical.

I am looking to switch job and cities it's just going to take 6 months to save up after this last gambling and borrowing melt down. The last 3 weeks are a blur but bottom line I'm £2.5 k more in debt and the interest will be £1.5k so a £4K debt when my disposable income each month Is only £700.

I am hoping 6 months from today my whole life changes for the better but my head says I ll probably stuck in the same awful situation wasting my best remaining years.
Take care all
Dan.

 

[Ceremony]

Dan, because of that compulsive gambling, and what research is showing about how our brains wired to follow the pattern we get used to, have you looked into what makes changes to that wiring pattern? If so, will you share that?

My compulsions are different, we all have something. I ask because I'm currently looking very hard and feedback of any kind will be a kindness of high proportion in my humble hopes.

 

[takingitslow]

The psychiatrist I saw reckoned I needed rehab. Attend for 8 weeks £23k cost and even then there is only a 60% chance of never gambling again.

I think my biggest problem is that my ability to use sleep as a cure for my stress means I can have a horrific day...... then after even one nights sleep I can feel a lot better and my brain has pretty much forgot what I did and how much pain I caused.

Also it's so robotic my compulsion once I have started gambling that I'm on autopilot most of the time.

I think i am always going to be screwed in the head and have the gambling itch. The only cure is the triangle - money time location as long as one of those isn't present I cannot gamble.

The psychiatrist also said my gambling addiction was 80% how I was groomed as a child and 20% inherited from my father who is a compulsive gambler so it's not a good outlook .....

Tip for any single people do not get involved with gamblers
Take care
Dan.

 

[DanielQ432]

Hi, sorry you are going through this. Any addiction can be tough. I have my own demons with an eating disorder, compulsive overspending, excess crap piled up to show for it.

Does the NHS there in Britain pay for the rehab program? If it did it might be worth a shot - 60% isn't a sure thing but it isn't terrible.

 

[Older1]

Dear Dan; This is a big year for you. You are facing many challenges and situations at the same time

It seems time for you to give yourself some self-care. It seems that things have come to a head this year in many ways. I suspect you are now on the mend.

As a child, I brooded and pouted when I did not get what he wants. But, as an adult, I gradually learned that success is a continuum...... a little at a time..... one sure step after another..... an accumulation of otherwise insignificant changes.

 

[WG]

Hello, Dan. Sometimes we are told that certain places we find ourselves are of our own making. Taking steps to rectify that are what adults do. As was said above, it's the little boy in us that pouts, blames and throws a tantrum when he doesn't get what he wants. I'm including myself in this since what I just named I am quite good at. I have had to learn that I needed to accept that circumstances were sometimes caused by my behavior. Good, bad or indifferent, it happened. Now, what did I do? I asked around, talked with others who either had gone through what I was dealing with or sought out my therapist to discuss it. Indeed, trust is huge and seeking out others to talk with can be scary, but necessary. Don't give up. One thing, one day at a time. What can be taken care of the soonest? What can be handled the fastest? What will take a while longer? Take care of the smaller things first, then move on to the larger things. We don't eat a meal in one gulp, nor should we expect to take care of life's circumstances in a day. You have any number of things to walk through just now. We all do. It's what we do with it all that gets us to the next step.

 

[takingitslow]

I would like to thank everyone for their time and effort to give opinions and insights.

I have spent one hour trying to think what to reply. I have started typing to then delete and type something completely different to then delete and type something else.

Instead of focusing on my mental illnesses I would just like to re-iterate - thanks a lot male survivor community - I can feel the support and care in each and every word, line, paragraph and post.

Thanks
Daniel.

 

[genedebs]

Dear takingitslow.

I was disowned by my younger brother and did not know it. My addiction is alcohol. but i haven't had a drink in 26 years.

When making my amends (9th step in a 12 step program) he told me I molested him when he was 8. I knew what he was talking about my older brother ejaculated on his belly. I pointed out I was 10 and not mature enough to ejaculate. Our older brother was 12, and he had done it. I admitted that I should have protected him, but I failed.

I also failed to protect him from the screaming and physical abuse from my father, the anal rape froom my mother's friend when he was 11 or 12.

He remebered I had gotten between my father and my younger brother and took the beating instead of him. So we agreed that I had failed, but sometimes I tried to protect him.

My mental illness (major depression, chronic; aqnd complex post traumatic stress) often demonstrates symptoms, anger ranting, and being disagreeable and withdrawn. But, it is just as likely my stress or anxiety responce. Whether I blame it on illness or my being an A..hole, it is still my respsibility to taake on and try to make changes to correct it.

I strongly recommend you discuss it with theripist and get help, AA works for me, but I know many forc whom it doesn't work. But you may try gamblers annonymous.

Sorry for your troubles, hope you make it work. One thing you have to know it doesn;t get better if you try by yourself. Think how many times you already tried and failed.

I wish I could say it is a different problem, but it sounds yhe same to me. Keep coming back, your fellow malee survivors are here to help.