Being Alone

Being Alone
B

Blue22

Registrant
The way I've coped with being unwanted, or too stupid to see when I was wanted (though I still can't see it), for the past 10 years has largely been to suppress it all. I can't get comfortable at all when it comes to anything that isn't strictly platonic. Years ago, I went out to celebrate one of my kind-of-friends' birthdays, and we ended up in a strip club and I was absolutely in a panic, I wouldn't even look at the dancers. There was a pool table in the corner and although I don't play pool, that's pretty much all I did that night.

I want intimacy, but I freak out any time (any rare time) the possibility comes up. I took myself out of the dating pool years ago, having not really left the stairs on the shallow end to begin with, and I pretty much avoid any situation that could lead to a relationship, much less meeting new people to begin with. I'm exhausted from constant failure in trying and sidelined myself. The last "crush" I had on someone was probably 5+ years ago, and like every time before it ended in disaster before it even began. It was getting to the point where I'd develop feelings and my first reaction would be nausea and "Oh no, not again." I wish I had the reaction to trauma where I "act out," but I'm the other extreme, and I constantly hate myself for it.

I want to feel like I'm not alone in this, and I'm pretty sure I'm not, but it's such a terribly pathetic thing to complain about. Sorry to rant, I don't know where else to write this out.
 
I completely relate to feeling unwanted and undesirable to the point that I considered women totally off-limits to me, choosing to have relationships with men but never feeling that was my identity. I did manage the courage to date 3 different women about 25 years ago but since I was so behind emotionally I failed at those relationships, so it was back to men. Now that I’m single again due to losing my partner to cancer, I’m noticing a re-awakening of my attraction for women but it makes me very nervous because I feel my past history of same-sex relationships makes me ineligible to have a relationship with women, plus I’m much older, plus I’m having a major PTSD flare-up these days, so I’m not exactly confident about my ability to connect with a woman in a meaningful way. So, you are not alone, and you are not ranting nor is this a terribly pathetic thing to complain about, it seems you are as wounded as I am and we both deserve to heal.
 
I might not explain this well, but here goes. I watch some typical Hollywood movies sometimes where the guy and girl meet, sparks fly, and they jump into bed within like 10 minutes. Watching that as it happens can ramp up my anxiety levels, for different reasons. But recently I forced myself to sit there and contemplate, what is the fear really about? And I realized, that what I believe we really want from a relationship is safety. Not excitement, not intensity without intimacy, but a place of acceptance and peace. Something we needed and need, but usually lacked or still lack.

Well, we will never get a feeling of true safety from a random hook-up. We will never get it at a strip club. But it is possible to find it with someone - friendship or otherwise - if we build and test it over time. If we can find someone who seems relatively safe initially, we can test the relationship a little at a time and see where it goes.

The point is that it can be possible to find people we can feel relatively accepted by and safe with if we approach he relationship slowly and over time, as opposed to what Hollywood and society tells us to do, which is just jump in. The pressure to "jump in" creates fear and anxiety. The jumping in is not really even a wise approach and no one says that's the way it has to be done. Setting up boundaries and learning to take things slow can ease a lot of fear about relationships and might be a good step toward becoming less isolated.
 
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I wouldn't call it pathetic Blue... I'd say you're telling folks you feel you can trust about something that is painful for you. That, honestly, is a healthy thing. You're not stewing in it all by yourself... you're reaching out where you expect you'll be understood and supported. All of us who've been sexually abused have difficulties with intimacy and thereby with relationship. When and how the fear arises and what we do with it will certainly differ from person to person. I was able to court and marry four women. It was after getting them to love me that I ran for the woods. I couldn't tolerate the intimacy I longed for.

The important thing for all of us is to take exquisite care of ourselves. That means not going to places or with people who don't feel safe. I learned long ago that going to a bar would never get me what I wanted. The person who is part of my life now... a former wife, if truth be told, I met at a university class. I tried to put the hustle on her, excellent seducer that I was, but she'd have nothing to do with that... so I risked simply being a friend and over five years that friendship deepened. The most important thing is taking care of yourself Blue. As my old boss used to say, "you can't push a string up hill." You have to be patient with everything in life and certainly with regard to intimate relationships when you have trauma in your history. Be gentle with yourself... always.
 
I'm used to being alone. I'm not gay and women don't like me. That's a hell of a mix!
 
Being alone is better, so very much better than being abused emotionally or physically or both in the wrong bad relationship.

But there are days I need touch. To be held. To be cuddled. To... just glad to have a safe space to return, retreat, withdraw to when I have the courage to go get what I need.
 
@Blue22 I understand your feelings. *Trigger* I myself posted about not being good enough to love. The thought is my mind is good enough to fuck but not to marry. This is how I honestly feel and after the last failed attempt where I was once again shown and even told in subtle to none subtle ways I was good for a fuck but not for much more I have closed myself off to anyone, the pain I carry is the worst pain anyone can feel. I will die alone and that is the saddest way for a person to go.
 
Michael Brown-"The Presence Process" I think? Contrasted loneliness & aloneness. It's a weep for sure but becoming aware of the hurt my own emotional unavailability projected onto others necessitated embracing aloneness & seeking new, more life affirming avenues for caring for myself in attempts to take back some living without concerns someone would want to jump my bones & I might find myself in the position of them expecting me to be responsible for meeting their needs. Loneliness still rears it's ugly head but I can deal with that easier than being trapped in a one sided relationship.

(((Blue22))) (((F.A.))) pain shared is pain reduced I hope
 
I would suggest filling the aloneness in healthy, non-sexual ways. Get involved with others. Service work often helps. Get involved, volunteer. This helps to get out of yourself. Yes I am married for 25 years plus, but for the last 15 years, it has been a sexless marriage. More due to her issues than any of mine. She often does not even want to snuggle or cuddle. So I experienced the same kind of loneliness and aloneness. Getting involved with other people and non-sexual way, developing platonic friendships, and so forth has helped me tremendously 2 fill that longing.
 
Blue22

NC-Survivor recommendations are excellent. You need to push yourself out into the world in non-sexual situations. In time you will learn to trust others and in time when you are ready, find someone to spend time with. It happens when you least expect it but it takes effort to get out there.

I hope you find a way to interact with others. You deserve not to feel alone.

Kevin
 
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