Being alone

[healinglove]

Just wondering if it's normal for a survivor to want to be alone. My ex and I have stayed close and I'm Starting to be worried that He's not wanting to be around anyone even thoae who love and support him. Is this a normal stages of recovery?

Thanks for your input,

Michelle

 

[dark empathy]

Well Yes and no.

One thing I've noticed is that some people are natural extraverts and relax by being around people. Some people (both my lady and I fall into this category), are natural intraverts and relax by being alone. It's not that an intravert can't deal with people, it's just that intraverts (as is my case), aren't able to relax unless! they're alone, and must spend some time alone in order to recharge.

I noticed in recovery though, this tendency got rather extreme with me. Being around people started to take so much work, I ceased to bother, indeed I had points where I'd physically not leave the house for four or five days at a time, just because I couldn't muster the energy to deal with people. This also counted my parents as well, indeed when I was at my parents I did the same thing, spending hours in my room, even more than usual.

It was not a good state, indeed it was in some ways an addiction, albeit it was a necessary state at the time, though kicking myself out of it was difficult at various points, though it wasn't helped by some diatribes from my mum on my own failings as a person or her essentially trying to blaime me for where for my own state. (her calling me autistic really didn't sit well and just succeeded in really annoying me).

I would suggest therefore a combination of realizing that he needs some space, not making him feel guilty for needing it, and letting him know your there.

I'll also add however, this is one thing with my lady that has worked out extremely well. Firstly because to my own surprise I'm finding that despite always needing my own space in the past, my own space can quite happily include her, ie, I can relax with! her as easily as with being alone, and secondly that because we're both intraverts (stage performing not withstanding), we can both be together and separate in a very helpful way, eg, one of the loveliest things we can do together is cuddle up together each while reading our own book (we're both avid readers).

We also do things together, books, music, films etc, but being able to each have our own space but be physically together and not bother each other is a truly wonderful experience, indeed right now I'm in the living room with my desktop, and my lady is in the bedroom reading, (she would be here on her own computer but for the fact it's on the blink).

I suppose working out adequate personal space is always a bit of a thing in any relationship, it's just that intravertion combined with being a surviver might distort things unusually, particularly where guilt is concerned, I know I worry for example when I say go and play a computer game or do some volunteer work for the website I write for even though my lady is just as capable as me of amusing herself on her own, indeed just as capable as I am.

I hope some of this is vaguely helpful.

Luke.

 

[Jessie P]

Well, to be honest I like being alone at times. It gives me time to think and reflect. My wife is very outgoing so we balance each other! Years of Therepy to learn I am a good guy and what happened to me was not my fault. I did not ask for it but it did shape who I am. So the question is why is he alone, some people like myself do actually enjoy some time alone, but if he is hiding out, that is a different issue. Already this thing makes you feel so alone, so just be there for him.

 

[healinglove]

Luke,

Thank you so much for your reply it was very insightful. I think I am more introvert than he is but I can tell he's in a depressed place right now. From a distance I allow him to know I'm there, I've always been supportive of his recovery. He did say he's started with a new therapist and that makes me happy. He knows I care deeply for him and regardless of the situation we are in, I know he loves me too. Right now is just about him and I will always be there for his recovery in whatever capacity. Sometimes it can be difficult to put your own needs on the back burner but I am moving on with my life and choosing to keep him as a friend. If things may change in the future, that's between him and God.

I will try and respect his space but do you think it's okay to check in. I am just concerned that hen he gets into a terribly low place, him not being able to come out of the house is not going to help him keeping his job or managing his life.

What would you suggest in the darkest hours?

Thanks again,

Michelle

 

[healinglove]

Thank you Jessie, for your reply!

 

[dark empathy]

From personal experience I'd say checking in is likely to be a good idea, so long as it is out of a desire to see if he! is okay, rather than because you think he should be doing something that he is not and are checking in to see he's done it. It's the difference between showing concern but acnolidging that at the end of the day what he does is his choice, and trying to actively push him to act differently because you think he should, indeed that is a bad thing for any intravert, the "You are alone so must be unhappy" sort of judgement so many people make, and with the self disgust that can be such a major part of recovery that sort of thinking gets worse.

Loneliness can be a very hard thing to deal with, indeed while God and I have not been on good terms for quite some time, I do thank god each night that I've met my lady, sinse I am more than aware what having that hole inside me was like before I met her last year, however feeling like your being judged and assessed is not good either.

It's a balance, but like most things being honest and just being there probably will be enough. I will say he may or may not lose his job, recovery causes disability, that's just pa for the course and is a thing to cope with, heck that's why it's taken me far too long to complete my doctorate.

I hope some of this helps.

Luke.

 

[HealingHope]

Hi healinglove
Your posts feel very familiar to my situation. My survivor takes time very often to be alone and it's a juggling act knowing whether to stay quiet too or check in so he knows I care.
I've had a lot of caring advice from survivors here who have guided me to remember that his being away or quiet or alone time is part of his formula, and to hang in there.
You mention about putting your own needs on the back burner? I just wanted to say, I know how that feels too, we're human we have feelings and something drew us to care so much for them, it's impossible to not feel our own loss when they disconnect. I'm personally going through a real wobble these days of missing him terribly but I know how selfish that sounds. Take care HL

 

[tbkkfile]

Hi DE

Sorry to hijack the thread but it's been a year since I was on here and I've just read one of your posts and have just found out that you're engaged, congratulations I'm so happy for you

David

 

[dark empathy]

Thank you David, that is much appreciated.

There's quite the saga about my engagement, but not to pinch michelle's thread, you can read about it here


@Hl, I'm sorry things are difficult at the moment, though having seen your previous posts on this subject I don't think it's anything you've done. Having someone there really does! make a huge difference.

I'll also say one rather odd thing. I've often found myself having arguements with my parents (especially my mum who has a tendency to be a little controlling), over what they believe I "should!" do for recovery, and have often preferd being alone than getting into yet another arguement about my own faults.
I'm finding however being married in all important senses but the legal , that Freud was most certainly and absolutely wrong (big surprise). Though my lady definitely does! step in when I'm going too negative or attempts to change my thinking on something, or is supportive when I am working on my doctorate, the ways this happen have no relation to what my mum does, sinse with my lady things between us are far more equal. It's not "this is your! fault, and if you just listened to me things would improve", it's "I see you have a problem here's a suggestion"

I suppose this is quite normal for any married couple sa or no sa to deal with, but it is something I find surprising, particularly with how many horror stories I hear of couples cryticizing the heck out of each other.