being a survivor rather than a victim
being a survivor rather than a victim
- Thread starteronlyakid
- Start date
jtt - I think it's called practice and determination. Each time I learn something mew about how the abuse impacted my life I work to understand that. Once I understand it I am better able to address the issue, whether it's how I react to someone or something or how I behave in certain situations, etc. Once I look at that I can then make changes. Then I have to keep these things in mind, especially when I see that I am about to encounter something or someone or some situation that will trigger my old ways. It's a battle at first but becomes easier with time, for most things. I'm nowhere near perfect, never will be. But I'll knock them off one at a time and, most likely, find myself having to start over once in a while. My 'bad habits' or defenses, whatever we want to call them, have been building for over thirty years. It'll take some time to knock them down and keep them down. So I guess I'll revise my first statement...It's called practice, determination and patience.
Good idea for a thread, I'll be checking back for those who possess more wisdom than I. Peace - John
Good idea for a thread, I'll be checking back for those who possess more wisdom than I. Peace - John
willtobecomplete
Registrant
jtt,
I think like John said it's a process, all wraped up in the way we think. I also belive it is a choice, an attitude choice. Your attitude is like your noze, you pick it, right! For me I can tell how I am doing with my survivor/victum attitude as is revealed by the things I say, to myself and everyone else, when I start to blame things that I have control over, like where I am at and what I am or am not doing, on my "circumstances" or other people then I know that I have to check my attitude, I am choosing to be in victum mode rather than survivor mode.
You can pick your noze, you can pick your freinds, but you can't pick your freinds noze!
Make it a Great Day!
I think like John said it's a process, all wraped up in the way we think. I also belive it is a choice, an attitude choice. Your attitude is like your noze, you pick it, right! For me I can tell how I am doing with my survivor/victum attitude as is revealed by the things I say, to myself and everyone else, when I start to blame things that I have control over, like where I am at and what I am or am not doing, on my "circumstances" or other people then I know that I have to check my attitude, I am choosing to be in victum mode rather than survivor mode.
You can pick your noze, you can pick your freinds, but you can't pick your freinds noze!
Make it a Great Day!
jtt,
I think the process and time required is different for everyone. But I do think that every day we wake up, go to school or work, hug a friend, spouse or child; everytime we sign into MS or offer a helping hand and think of someone else's needs .... we are gifting ourselves with clear evidence of survivorship and rebutting the role of victim. Peace, Andrew
I think the process and time required is different for everyone. But I do think that every day we wake up, go to school or work, hug a friend, spouse or child; everytime we sign into MS or offer a helping hand and think of someone else's needs .... we are gifting ourselves with clear evidence of survivorship and rebutting the role of victim. Peace, Andrew
ForeverFighting
Registrant
I told my therapist that this work seems incredibly selfish. Like you say, 'feeling sorry for myself' and all this focusing inward. Shouldn't we be strong and step forward beyond our pasts and face the world with the determination that we won't even go there again? Oh wait. I think I stepped in some gum. Oh great. You guys go on ahead. I've got to get this gum off my shoe.
My therapist pointed out that it was 30 years of NOT showing any attention to myself that got me where I am today. In therapy, taking meds to help with depression. As much as we'd all like to toss our photo albums over our shoulders and never look back, it is only by looking back that we can retrain our minds to think differently. To realize that really, it wasn't my fault. The surgery must be performed, the bandage wrapped, and the healing take place. And there's nothing wrong with that. We're survivors even if we are laying in the hospital bed waiting for the swelling to go down. In fact, being here and pouring out our hearts and our pain, exposing the truth of SA takes a lot more strength of character than those perps will ever have. For me, I have to write about the pain. It's that very thing that keeps me from slipping back into my family's old way of thinking. If I don't come here and talk about how my uncle SA me and my dad beat me and my mom wasn't ever around, I start thinking that I'm the one with the flaws, that all these problems are just because I'm not good enough. Reminding myself that it was the abuse that damaged me helps me lighten up on myself. I act out less, and I stay in my heart instead of my head. It gives me more empathy and trust. It helps me stay close to people. If I don't remember what was done to me, I close off and start protecting myself from dangers that don't exist anymore.
Jtt, you are a survivor. We're going to be OK. It may take some time, but we're getting there. I don't think this work is about being a survivor or a victim. (I never understood that whole survivor thing anyway--I mean, obviously we survived.) It seems to be more about this unending search for the unconditional love and acceptance that we didn't get before. As I've opened up little by little to friends and to the other men here, I'm beginning to find that love and acceptance.
My therapist pointed out that it was 30 years of NOT showing any attention to myself that got me where I am today. In therapy, taking meds to help with depression. As much as we'd all like to toss our photo albums over our shoulders and never look back, it is only by looking back that we can retrain our minds to think differently. To realize that really, it wasn't my fault. The surgery must be performed, the bandage wrapped, and the healing take place. And there's nothing wrong with that. We're survivors even if we are laying in the hospital bed waiting for the swelling to go down. In fact, being here and pouring out our hearts and our pain, exposing the truth of SA takes a lot more strength of character than those perps will ever have. For me, I have to write about the pain. It's that very thing that keeps me from slipping back into my family's old way of thinking. If I don't come here and talk about how my uncle SA me and my dad beat me and my mom wasn't ever around, I start thinking that I'm the one with the flaws, that all these problems are just because I'm not good enough. Reminding myself that it was the abuse that damaged me helps me lighten up on myself. I act out less, and I stay in my heart instead of my head. It gives me more empathy and trust. It helps me stay close to people. If I don't remember what was done to me, I close off and start protecting myself from dangers that don't exist anymore.
Jtt, you are a survivor. We're going to be OK. It may take some time, but we're getting there. I don't think this work is about being a survivor or a victim. (I never understood that whole survivor thing anyway--I mean, obviously we survived.) It seems to be more about this unending search for the unconditional love and acceptance that we didn't get before. As I've opened up little by little to friends and to the other men here, I'm beginning to find that love and acceptance.
Jason,
First I had to really define what being and acting like a victim meant. Otherwise it's just too easy to say, "I'm all f*cked up. I don't know what to do. Why bother?"
When I had some ideas, I had to refute them, come up with the opposites. Then it was a matter of taking a daily self-inventory of how I was feeling and reacting.
I had to ask myself questions all the time. "Am I being realistic?" "What's the worst that can happen?" "Does thinking or feeling this way help anything or does it keep me stuck somehow?"
For a while, I would pick a time every day just to be scared, sad, to worry and fret, be angry, whatever - Victim Hour. Eventually it wasn't an everyday need, or it was just terribly inconvenient, or I was too busy and forgot.
I have had the list below for quite some time. I just added a little to it now. These helped me categorize and name my feelings and behavior, and what I think are better alternatives.
I know some of them seem harsh - almost like accusations, but these are or were all about me at some point. Some are still kind of raw for me and need more work.
Someone recently mentioned that Eagle's (Don Henley?) song, "Get Over it". Tough words. Insensitive words when used in a certain way; maybe just a tone of voice; and Heaven help the fool who says "Just get over it."
But stop a second and think. Isn't that you want? It is sure as hell what I wanted. To get over it. I'm not going to define that. My meaning and particulars are unique so there's no point. But the fact is, I've gotten over a lot, and I'm getting over more all the time.
Sometimes I still need a kick-ass reminder, like some of these ideas are. So, maybe if one of these strikes a chord with you, it's a good place to start a discussion? And if one pisses you off, let's figure out why. And if you have more to add, please let's hear it.
Personally, I was a Victim, and I know all about Surviving, the good and the bad. Now I'm learning about Living. I AM Living, and as it turns out, there's good and bad as well, but the bad isn't directly, inescapably linked to the past anymore. It just is. That's an important point for me.
Donald
*************************************************
Victims keep looking behind them
Survivors focus on today and dream (plan) the future
Victims look for reasons
Survivors accept explanations - or the fact there may be none
Victims ask why
Surviors ask why not
Victims always have an excuse
Survivors accept responsibility
Victims hold on to pain, guilt and fear
Survivors wrestle with them and then let them go
Victims curse the dark
Survivors look for the flashlight and candles
Victims can't or don't try
Survivors start over, as many times as it takes
Victims blame and hate
Survivors don't have the time for that
Victims see scars
Survivors see badges and medals of Survival
Victims believe lies
Survivors believe in themselves
Victims wait to be asked
Survivors know they have to speak up
Victims think life is a job or a test
Survivors know life is a joy and a gift
Victims try to rationalize others actions
Survivors try to understand themselves
Victims keep secrets
Survivors tell it like it is
Victims are people second
Survivors are people first
Victims are rare and special
Survivors are ordinary folks
Victims want to control everything
Survivors control themselves
Victims wish
Survivors hope
First I had to really define what being and acting like a victim meant. Otherwise it's just too easy to say, "I'm all f*cked up. I don't know what to do. Why bother?"
When I had some ideas, I had to refute them, come up with the opposites. Then it was a matter of taking a daily self-inventory of how I was feeling and reacting.
I had to ask myself questions all the time. "Am I being realistic?" "What's the worst that can happen?" "Does thinking or feeling this way help anything or does it keep me stuck somehow?"
For a while, I would pick a time every day just to be scared, sad, to worry and fret, be angry, whatever - Victim Hour. Eventually it wasn't an everyday need, or it was just terribly inconvenient, or I was too busy and forgot.
I have had the list below for quite some time. I just added a little to it now. These helped me categorize and name my feelings and behavior, and what I think are better alternatives.
I know some of them seem harsh - almost like accusations, but these are or were all about me at some point. Some are still kind of raw for me and need more work.
Someone recently mentioned that Eagle's (Don Henley?) song, "Get Over it". Tough words. Insensitive words when used in a certain way; maybe just a tone of voice; and Heaven help the fool who says "Just get over it."
But stop a second and think. Isn't that you want? It is sure as hell what I wanted. To get over it. I'm not going to define that. My meaning and particulars are unique so there's no point. But the fact is, I've gotten over a lot, and I'm getting over more all the time.
Sometimes I still need a kick-ass reminder, like some of these ideas are. So, maybe if one of these strikes a chord with you, it's a good place to start a discussion? And if one pisses you off, let's figure out why. And if you have more to add, please let's hear it.
Personally, I was a Victim, and I know all about Surviving, the good and the bad. Now I'm learning about Living. I AM Living, and as it turns out, there's good and bad as well, but the bad isn't directly, inescapably linked to the past anymore. It just is. That's an important point for me.
Donald
*************************************************
Victims keep looking behind them
Survivors focus on today and dream (plan) the future
Victims look for reasons
Survivors accept explanations - or the fact there may be none
Victims ask why
Surviors ask why not
Victims always have an excuse
Survivors accept responsibility
Victims hold on to pain, guilt and fear
Survivors wrestle with them and then let them go
Victims curse the dark
Survivors look for the flashlight and candles
Victims can't or don't try
Survivors start over, as many times as it takes
Victims blame and hate
Survivors don't have the time for that
Victims see scars
Survivors see badges and medals of Survival
Victims believe lies
Survivors believe in themselves
Victims wait to be asked
Survivors know they have to speak up
Victims think life is a job or a test
Survivors know life is a joy and a gift
Victims try to rationalize others actions
Survivors try to understand themselves
Victims keep secrets
Survivors tell it like it is
Victims are people second
Survivors are people first
Victims are rare and special
Survivors are ordinary folks
Victims want to control everything
Survivors control themselves
Victims wish
Survivors hope
Just a quick reply here and my 2 cents. In the past when I tried to figure out my problems I was able to quickly point to situations where I was the victim. The therapist would ask but why were you the victim. What made you the victim. My response was always that was the way it was (bad english)..
Really she was trying to get me to look at more core issues and see how I developed the victim mentality. To clarify, meaning how I became a victim later in life and what happened earlier, when things weren't so much in my control (infancy , toddler, et).
Regardless even though things maybe opening up I'm still in victim mode. I don't blame anyone for that but it's the way it is because I do not have the necessary tools to move out of that mode or thinking. I'm ill equipped and can't even muster the resources internally to move beyond that mind set.
Really she was trying to get me to look at more core issues and see how I developed the victim mentality. To clarify, meaning how I became a victim later in life and what happened earlier, when things weren't so much in my control (infancy , toddler, et).
Regardless even though things maybe opening up I'm still in victim mode. I don't blame anyone for that but it's the way it is because I do not have the necessary tools to move out of that mode or thinking. I'm ill equipped and can't even muster the resources internally to move beyond that mind set.
I think that recognising where the pain came from, and, actually admitting it for the first time in my life made me a survivor.
The victim has gone, but the survivor still has to deal with him now and again!
I've done about as much as I can now in relation to myself (forgiveness / erosion of guilt). Once the court case happens, I can then hopefully loose the victim tag for ever?
I will truly be a survivor when I can trust others, that I have no known reason to distrust.
Best wishes ...Rik
The victim has gone, but the survivor still has to deal with him now and again!
I've done about as much as I can now in relation to myself (forgiveness / erosion of guilt). Once the court case happens, I can then hopefully loose the victim tag for ever?
I will truly be a survivor when I can trust others, that I have no known reason to distrust.
Best wishes ...Rik
Jason,
taking responsibility for our here and now, and not putting the blame on others who don't cater to our needs. We can't change the past. But we ARE in control of the present and future, for the most part. We can choose to take that control, or choose not to. But it is OUR choice. And that is something that differentiates the survivor from the perpetual victim.
To use the past, or other's treatment of us, as excuses to behave deviantly or stupidly, that is to remain a victim. To claim that we can not succeed or change our life because of how we look or some other superficial thing, that is to remain a victim. To continue to find excuses and blame today for not progressing with our lives, our survival and ourselves, that is to remain a victim.
I am sure we all know examples of both. Some deserve congratulations, others perhaps sympathy and pity. But I can't imagine that a diet of pity is enough to feed a man.
There are a lot more true survivors at this site then some people give credit to, sometime even ourselves. We are stronger then some people think, and that is a beautiful thing.
Leosha
taking responsibility for our here and now, and not putting the blame on others who don't cater to our needs. We can't change the past. But we ARE in control of the present and future, for the most part. We can choose to take that control, or choose not to. But it is OUR choice. And that is something that differentiates the survivor from the perpetual victim.
To use the past, or other's treatment of us, as excuses to behave deviantly or stupidly, that is to remain a victim. To claim that we can not succeed or change our life because of how we look or some other superficial thing, that is to remain a victim. To continue to find excuses and blame today for not progressing with our lives, our survival and ourselves, that is to remain a victim.
I am sure we all know examples of both. Some deserve congratulations, others perhaps sympathy and pity. But I can't imagine that a diet of pity is enough to feed a man.
There are a lot more true survivors at this site then some people give credit to, sometime even ourselves. We are stronger then some people think, and that is a beautiful thing.
Leosha
I agree with this statement. As a survivor, I want to say the following; all that I did hard, and all that I put my labor in, was leading me to one realization, I was a man. There can be, and there were, mistakes created by my mind, but in the heart, I could feel what I needed to do. This ability to listen to your heart changes the life. So we try to understand ourselves.
Alexey
The following is just from me and not as a board member.
I kind of feel like I've thrown off all the labels. It's almost feels as though if I've put a label on myself... then I'm setting a limit as to how far I can go... that's not exactly what I mean, but I'm having trouble putting it into words.
Sure I use the term survivor when I'm speaking in public so folks can understand where I come from... but now a days... I'm just me.
I hope that makes some sense.
I kind of feel like I've thrown off all the labels. It's almost feels as though if I've put a label on myself... then I'm setting a limit as to how far I can go... that's not exactly what I mean, but I'm having trouble putting it into words.
Sure I use the term survivor when I'm speaking in public so folks can understand where I come from... but now a days... I'm just me.
I hope that makes some sense.
Ah! Wait, I just read something aobut self destructive behaviors... let me think now...
I can't remember exactly, but it was something to do with our real deep down feelings. See, we think we don't like ourselves, so do all these things to hurt ourselves.
But what is it that we want most out of life?...anyone?... anyone?... Bueller?
Yes! We just want to be happy!
If we take a step back and understand that if what we want is to be happy, then we can understand that deep down we do love ourselves.
The idea being, if we see and reflect on this, we have an easier time choosing not to carry out our behavior at the time.
Just take a look around at everyone here that simply wants to be happy and normal! That translates to a whole lot of self love!
Hmmm... maybe I should make this into a post all its own.
Cheers!
I can't remember exactly, but it was something to do with our real deep down feelings. See, we think we don't like ourselves, so do all these things to hurt ourselves.
But what is it that we want most out of life?...anyone?... anyone?... Bueller?
Yes! We just want to be happy!
If we take a step back and understand that if what we want is to be happy, then we can understand that deep down we do love ourselves.
The idea being, if we see and reflect on this, we have an easier time choosing not to carry out our behavior at the time.
Just take a look around at everyone here that simply wants to be happy and normal! That translates to a whole lot of self love!
Hmmm... maybe I should make this into a post all its own.
Cheers!