beginning to experience the emotion and memory together...

[scooter]

I seem to always experience the intense memories or the intense feelings, but I have seldom experienced them together. They seem for some reasons to exist on separate planes.

I mainly wanted to share this email I sent to my wife because I need to express in here where I am:

I just can't deal with my emotions right now so they end up #&*@ing me up. Im just tired of feeling them, but they keep coming. And that is where the isolation comes in where I cant take it. I guess its just the cycles feeling and then getting tired of feeling and then getting so agitated that the emotions dont stop and then going nuts and then feeling again. now thats a mess.

Itll get better. I just hate talking about my emotions and I hate feeling them all the time. Its like now I dont have a choice about recovery. Im being catapulted forward regardless of how Im feeling. I had control over it (or at least an illusion), but now Im recovering and yet sometimes feel too weak or pathetic to deal with it or that I am weak and pathetic to even have to recover in the first place.

And then sometimes I just think Im going crazy because Im recovering but Im afraid to look directly at what Im recovering from. I drop my coping techniques and the feelings are there and I dont connect them yet to the raping because it $%*#ing hurts to bad to feel and remember at the same time. #&%*.

 

[shadowkid]

i agree once you start down this road stopping is not an option.like it or not shadow

 

Here is a quote from Eminem

Success is my only mother fucking option, failures not

He doesnt say much I agree with, but this speaks to all of us I feel.



(Mods - sorry about the cuss words, looses impact without it.)

 

[roadrunner]

Scooter,

I think what you are describing is the stage in recovery when we can see what a false and self-destructive existence we were living in the past, but are just beginning to appreciate the difficulties of the path ahead. Shadow puts it very well:

once you start down this road stopping is not an option, like it or not

Much love,
Larry

 

[BFREE]

This is all new to me, but you just summed up my feelings that whole catch 22.

 

[John Oarc]

Everything in this post is so dead on, once you acknowledge the truth about the molestation and how it changed our lives it is difficult to stop the recovery process. I know that I wanted off the ride many times and I wanted to go back to the old way of thinking, the old addictions but it made no sense and I could not do it. That caused fear and confusion, "what do I do now", "What do I do next" seemed to follow my every move and soon it just stopped and I was, I am, I will be, took over. It is exciting and I am happy to be alive again. I think hope is the most important thing in all of this, once you regain hope in your life, begin to look towards the future instead of hating the next day life turns around.

Thanks for the post, and most imporatantly thanks for a place to post it.