Beginning to accept reality.....maybe

[anxietydepressio]

I may be coming to terms with what happened. I refused to believe it, and have been blaming myself for weeks now. However through counseling and religious counseling I’m coming to terms with what happened.

I am no where near talking to loved ones about it, and I’m still very worried about it being in the public eye and the threat she made. I know if I heard about this happening I would want justice, but with only like 1-5% of cases being prosecuted I just don’t have the emotional strength to seek that route. While I know my wife would believe and support me I know she would think getting justice is the right thing to do. Acting on emotion she may try to do something in what she thinks is “my best interest”. While I would respect her for doing so, it would likely make a bad situation much, much worse and delay my recovery.

Maybe I have accepted this. Maybe I haven’t. Today if feels like reality. Now how to move forward and an I ever trust anyone outside of my small core of friends and family again.

Btw all my STD test were negative.

 

[Ceremony]

That's progress anxietydepressio. That woman is part of what's showing to be more prevalent in our society. What with the way the tables turn with drinking and ruffee type drugs. I don't see reports, it's only with group and places like here on MS that we can engage to take care of these things. The statistics keep adult male abuse by adult women invisible. It's only surveys that brings the problem to light.

I have seen some survey results that of the men who answer that they have been abused, those who answer it was as an adult by an adult female have gone up. The national stats seem to not exist as an actual charged case, and it's no wonder. Of course men will find it degrading and many with wives will find it impossible to deal with. There's too much confusion and pushback in our own minds, let alone, as you allude, what it's like if we bring a charge. I agree there's an extremely low prosecution rate.

Many factors at play regarding that.

I'm glad you have seen improvement, especially going into the holiday. I know staying calm is a major part of moving forward.

Best wishes.

 

[anxietydepressio]

The pushback in my own mind is really hard. I’ve spent my whole life believing rape was a male on female thing when it comes to adults. While I won’t call this rape it was something else. And not something I wanted. I see the pieces of the puzzle and it’s coming together. Being able to accept it is going to take some time. And constant reassuring myself.

 

[Tom E.]

I guess I knew at some point in my younger years that rape happened to men too (ie; prison, etc.), but I didn't realize till fairly recently that it had happened to me. I didn't realize that women rape men, & other women too, until fairly recently also.
I was oblivious, living in a fog I guess.

 

[anxietydepressio]

I know there’s a roller coaster ahead. And there will be peaks and valleys. Today I’m just thankful for peak. I know it’s going big to take a long time to truly accept what happened. Can’t believe something for decades then unlearn it in a few weeks. Hopefully therapy will get me through.

 

[AuthenticMe]

AD - Glad to hear all tests were negative. While justice may be out of your control, healing and recovery aren't. We're here to help in any way we can.

 

[anxietydepressio]

Thank you. I have been doing better overall. In fact I have gone 3 days now without needing to take my anxiety meds, so that is a big plus.

There is still an internal struggle with self blame, that hampers truly moving past this. It also makes me sick because I still have to have limited contact with this woman, and it makes me literally sick to my stomach. I don't want to see her, or talk to her ever again, but I don't have a lot of choice right now.

If I could truly and fully accept that it wasn't my fault then I could probably let this go completely, but I am not there yet. But I also can't fit myself into the box of it being something normal that happened. My internal feelings toward this woman and how I felt immediately upon waking up tell me that it wasn't my fault. But there is a little in voice in me that keeps trying to self blame.

 

[AuthenticMe]

Self-blame, unfortunately, is a common theme for survivors of sexual abuse, particularly men, who have a tendency to believe that we should be able to protect ourselves against any threat. Don't put pressure on yourself to move on. There's no timetable for recovery.

 

[tcheck1234]

My apologies - new to the site and new to having revealed childhood issues. Mine have been recently disclosed due to a sexual assault on me 20+ years ago by a female - now with devastating impact on my spouse of 40+ years. I can't find your original posting, it seems, so I don't really understand what happened. I just know that in my mind, the reality of what happened NEVER registered. Again, sorry that I can't figure out this site, I just seem to arrive in the middle of your discussion. tcheck

 

[Ceremony]

Welcome tcheck, I think you've found a discussion where your topic fits. I'm sorry for what brings you here, but, I've discovered this place really helps.

There have been a few discussions and links that have shown men are needing help with many different kinds of sexual trauma. I think it's been this past month that there is more discussion of female perpetrators. I have searched older posts, and they do go back, but it's good to have new, at present discussions.

Note that there is some resources to help if you need help finding a therapist, or want to study some things. This is the page for men who seek resources.

Many here know a lot of answers too, so please ask.

 

[tcheck1234]

It took more than 20 years for me to understand that I was assaulted by a female acquaintance. In my mind, it was just a "mistake" made by the two of us, one that was never repeated and buried in my brain. When I was forced to divulge what happened to my wife, I found that I was completely incapable of explaining why the event took place. I could not recall any of my emotions or thoughts. Even when trying to discuss it, I began to make things up, lie and distort and on many occasions, my version of events made me an even bigger jerk/terrible husband. It has taken months of discussion with her - sometimes 8 hours daily of being yelled at. Everything bad that I've ever done has now been raised by her and of course, nothing I say now is being believed. With her help and that of my psychiatrist (started two months ago), it's becoming clear that my childhood has impacted me my entire life. I have gaps in my memory and have always felt "dull" emotionally - incapable of really enjoying my life. I love my children dearly, and my dogs, but have always found it difficult to be intimate with my wife. I realize that my ability to form that type of relationship (husband/wife) has been elusive. In terms of the assault, I understand that I simply didn't want to be victimized again - so I converted the event into a tryst, the one and only, with someone that I didn't even care about. Like the earlier writer, I've struggle to understand just how powerless I was to resist what happened. Was this a trigger (being groped)that left me helpless, or was this just something that gave me an opportunity to be as dirty as I was in my younger years, having sex with any female I could find? I still don't know the answer and doubt that I ever will. I'm encouraged (bad term) by the fact that I have no memory of thinking about my wife, my kids, my career, bad press, humiliation when the event took place, but terrified by what that vacant hole signals to me. Hopefully, some further insight will take place and help us move forward with our lives.

 

[anxietydepressio]

tcheck

I sent you a PM. You sound similar to me for sure.