bedcovers (triggers?)

bedcovers (triggers?)
B

BenPaul

Registrant
I have been here a few days and feel very hopeful. Thank you all. I was reading some stuff on SA and came across a list of what adult men felt like now. On the list was "exposed" ~ I almost fainted because it hit me like a ton of bricks: I HAVE to have covers on in bed. Even if it is hot, there is no AC ~ doesn't matter what I am wearing, I CANNOT EXPOSE MYSELF. What is really weird, is I am the hottest one in the house! I am ALWAYS making the AC cooler, etc. I also realized I MUST sleep where I can see the door ~ ALWAYS!! In fact, I have not slept on my stomach for over 30 years ~ and as I (with horror) reflect, I remember as a child, my favorite position to sleep in was on my stomach ~ and now ~ even as I write this, this changed around when I am putting my SA story together! Whew!! This is a lot; but explains so much!! I have always known that my sleeping habits went beyond normal. In a locked, secure hotel room, I can not sleep without covers and facing the door because "someone might see me." Oh well, don't know if there are any appropriate responses, but thanks for letting me write.
BenPaul
 
It sometimes amazes me how long these PTSD effects can last. I'm the same way. Even if I'm home alone with all the doors locked, I close the bathroom door, my bedroom door. I think it's normal for what we've been through. The SA is bad enough, but I also came from a family with no boundaries. I remember my dad leaning in the bathroom door when I was taking a shower, asking if he could come in. (I always got in trouble if I locked the bathroom door.) What was I going to say? No? I said, Sure, even though I didn't want him in the bathroom. Well, he wasn't talking about the bathroom. He was talking about the shower! The curtain pulls back, and I dove out into a towel. He always walked around the house naked with all the curtains open. It was disgusting to me, especially with my uncle having SA me.

We come from terrible places and terrible people. We'll probably never be able to leave the doors open, but the fear does get better. I can sleep in hotel rooms now if I leave the fan going so I can't hear every noise. Slowly the bad training we got can be replaced with a new life. That's what I'm hoping for.

Take care of yourself, OK?
 
if it makes you feel any better, youre not alone with your sleeping issues. it seems like almost everyone ive talked to here has some sort of disruption with regard to sleep. i find myself checking the door numerous times before i go to bed, to make sure its locked, even though i know it is. sometimes i think its bordering on obsessive compulsive disorder and i wonder how long it will be til im locked in my bathroom with 500 boxes of cereal or something ridiculous like that. it makes you feel crazy. but youre not. youre normal, considering what youve been thru.
 
No kidding, even in an unbearable heatwave you will still find me in long pants and big boots.

As for sleep problems, once i sleep i might aswell be unconcious, i sleep very deeply, problem is getting to sleep, some nights i just cant, i wont clouse an eye till the sun has come up again, i dont know why..
 
Hi BenPaul,

Welcome to MS - this place has much to offer - browse your way around - there's much to be learned here and hope that you'll grow in your comfort level here as time goes on... (I kno how scarey this place can seem at first - but there really are a lot of good people here)

You're deffinately not alone in your problems with sleep - I myself often wrap myself tightly into my blankets (does'nt matter how hot it is) to feel safe - in hotels I often have panic attacks (if I hear someone in the hall - I always think that they are comming for me) and lock myself in the bathroom

Here is a good place to learn that we are not alone in our problems that are caused by things that should not have happened in our pasts - we are not to blame for these problems - the blame belongs to those who gave us these problems in the first place...

Welcome,

TJ jeff
 
Thanks for these responses; I guess there is nothing "weird" except all the stuff I have taken as "normal" for so many years. I am looking forward to where this is going ~ anything is better than where I have been!

BenPaul
 
Hi BenPaul,

Welcome!! Please do not feel ashamed of the way you feel about sleeping. I have noticed that people who have been through some form of abuse, sexual or otherwise, generally have trouble sleeping. I know of a 12 years-old girl who says she sleeps with "one eye open" because she has a very physically abusive father.

SA seems to make their victims feel very vulnerable, especially when sleeping at night because that's when you are "not on guard" and you seem to imagine that "anything can happen" to you.

I often let my imagination run wild at night when I am trying to sleep. It could be due to the fact that each time I was molested and/or sexually assaulted by my army sergeant it happened on a bed (in the army barracks and other places).

I know (and hate) the feeling of "fear of being exposed". I can't understand why I get it but I think it is the body's and mind's way of coping with the trauma, probably a form of PTSD.

For me, I like to cover my arms and legs at night also because I imagine that guys will get turned on by any exposed flesh that I "reveal" when I sleep. And if I wear shorts to bed, I imagine that guys will come to look under it, or put their hands underneath to feel my private parts (my sarge ever did that to me so maybe that's why I get that phobia), even if the place I am sleeping in is safe and secure. It it something that is terrible to have to cope with.

I don't know what religious group you belong to but as a traditional Roman Catholic, I say a set of prayers at night before bed and it seems to help tonnes, especially with feeling safe before resting at night. :o )

Otherwise, some soft music like Pachelbel's Canon, or Bach's Air on a G String, or Handel's Largo from his Water Music Suite, or Mozart's Andante from his Eine Kleine Nachtmusik might help. Your choice, bro! :o )

Keep writing!!

God bless,
Timothy
 
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