becoming human again *TRIGGER?*
Yesterday, I rejoined the human race. I know that sounds absurd, but it is a fact. When I was young, I was sexually addictive and compulsive from the time I was very small. I had repressed the memories of my abuse, so I was only left with memories of all this acting out. Even if I hadnt blocked out the memories of the abuse, I feel I would have ended up in the same place.
I knew normal people didnt act they way I was, and didnt do the things I was doing. I began to think of myself as a pervert or sick. I was flawed on a genetic or mental level in a way that made me evil and bad. Over a period of time, I separated my self from the rest of the world. They were humans, and I was some sort of monster or animal. I convinced my self that I was more of an animal than normal humans, because of something inside of me.
Society tends to take serial killers, hardened criminals and infamous characters, and divide them from the human race. We are good, they are some evil sort of plague, a virus that sickens the world. They are things to be studied and questioned, to strain at understanding. They are not human, but something a notch below that.
Faced with an out of control sexual addiction, I removed myself from the human race. I joined the ranks of the sick and the twisted. I loathed myself for being this beast. Beasts are not worth love and compassion. They are not worthy of being free to roam society. I had gone so low as to dehumanize my self.
I have been crying every time I am alone for a week now. In therapy yesterday I realized why. I had become human again. I saw for the first time just how good of a boy I was. I wanted so badly to do the right things, and to make my parents proud. Mat took my sense of honor and right, and turned it against me. When I promised that I wouldnt tell, I set in motion and confusing mix that a five-year-old little boy couldnt untangle. Breaking my word was wrong, what we were doing was wrong, I felt I had not way out. I was trapped, and that decent, loving lad did what he thought was best, and what he believed was right.
I can finally look at myself in a whole new light. I am not a monster. I am a compassionate, loving man. I was those things then. I tried my hardest to do what was right, and at the time I thought they were right. My parents failed to impress on me to beware people like Mat. They failed to make me feel like I could trust and be open with them. I did what I had to do, in the only way I knew to do it, because I was only a innocent little boy. I didnt think on the same plain as an adult, and I couldnt act on that plain. I have spent years thinking somewhere inside that I should have acted differently. On the surface I knew that imposing adult views on a child was totally wrong, but on a deeper level I kept doing it, and I kept labeling myself based on it.
I have had a real catharsis, a deep shaking of how I view myself. I stepped out of the sub-human monster race, and back into humanity. For the first time, I realize it wasnt my fault, and I did my best, and I can say it from the heart, not just with my lips. I weep for years of being a monster, of loosing all of those. I weep for joy at having become human again. I weep for the hope of change I finally feel. I weep because I am a survivor, and I deserve to mourn what was taken from me.
jeff the human being
I knew normal people didnt act they way I was, and didnt do the things I was doing. I began to think of myself as a pervert or sick. I was flawed on a genetic or mental level in a way that made me evil and bad. Over a period of time, I separated my self from the rest of the world. They were humans, and I was some sort of monster or animal. I convinced my self that I was more of an animal than normal humans, because of something inside of me.
Society tends to take serial killers, hardened criminals and infamous characters, and divide them from the human race. We are good, they are some evil sort of plague, a virus that sickens the world. They are things to be studied and questioned, to strain at understanding. They are not human, but something a notch below that.
Faced with an out of control sexual addiction, I removed myself from the human race. I joined the ranks of the sick and the twisted. I loathed myself for being this beast. Beasts are not worth love and compassion. They are not worthy of being free to roam society. I had gone so low as to dehumanize my self.
I have been crying every time I am alone for a week now. In therapy yesterday I realized why. I had become human again. I saw for the first time just how good of a boy I was. I wanted so badly to do the right things, and to make my parents proud. Mat took my sense of honor and right, and turned it against me. When I promised that I wouldnt tell, I set in motion and confusing mix that a five-year-old little boy couldnt untangle. Breaking my word was wrong, what we were doing was wrong, I felt I had not way out. I was trapped, and that decent, loving lad did what he thought was best, and what he believed was right.
I can finally look at myself in a whole new light. I am not a monster. I am a compassionate, loving man. I was those things then. I tried my hardest to do what was right, and at the time I thought they were right. My parents failed to impress on me to beware people like Mat. They failed to make me feel like I could trust and be open with them. I did what I had to do, in the only way I knew to do it, because I was only a innocent little boy. I didnt think on the same plain as an adult, and I couldnt act on that plain. I have spent years thinking somewhere inside that I should have acted differently. On the surface I knew that imposing adult views on a child was totally wrong, but on a deeper level I kept doing it, and I kept labeling myself based on it.
I have had a real catharsis, a deep shaking of how I view myself. I stepped out of the sub-human monster race, and back into humanity. For the first time, I realize it wasnt my fault, and I did my best, and I can say it from the heart, not just with my lips. I weep for years of being a monster, of loosing all of those. I weep for joy at having become human again. I weep for the hope of change I finally feel. I weep because I am a survivor, and I deserve to mourn what was taken from me.
jeff the human being