Becoming a survivor
Hi all, great to be here.
This is a lie:
I'm a victim
Part of an email I was writing follows and I want to share. I was born one week ago, Saturday, when I was watching a video called The Unsaid. By the time it was done my eyes were finally open.
Quote:
"guess you are way ahead of me in the recovery process because you do not feel the guilt shame and responsibility i feel..."
The part I feel strong on at this juncture is the guilt, shame and responsibility. I'm 53 and the way I see it is I've been full of that shit as a victim for the last 50 years or so. I've been a victim accepting that which I had no control over. That's crazy! Im not going to waste anymore time on it!! Now that I can find some explanation for EVERYTHING screwed-up about me, it all makes sense. Hindsight makes it all so obvious. I so much now know the difference between being a victim and being a survivor.
Like your uncle, or whoever assaulted you before that, HE/THEY is/are responsible and should be full of remorse, guilt and shame. NOT YOU! Turn that over to him or them and free yourself. Believe your gut at this point whether its right or wrong. I have to think once you believe that, you will relax some, refocus, and more affirmative answers will come your way. Did you ever notice how you were doing something and all of a sudden some answer to a question just popped up, coming from out of the blue, from out of a repressed memory maybe?
You're the first and only person I mentioned to about thinking it was my father with ~assistance from my mom. After I signed off, I kind of felt bad about mentioning it. I'm the youngest of 3 boys and I don't recall my brothers being abused sexually, physically or otherwise the way I was. They both turned out well as men.
I still love my parents even thinking about what I now believe they did to me. I remember sleeping in between them often when I was around pre-school age. It all just fits too neatly; the 'sex' - which I think was he showed me on me how to masturbate and then had me do him, me always wanting to do sex related things with my friends (me 5+), tending to be rough with others like a bully and being brutally beaten by my dad w/o blood being drawn all before I was 10.
I always took responsibility for being a bastard of a kid and deserving of the beatings. Seems the more I got beat the more I would find ways to piss him off. I've lived 50 years without emotions and empathy for others comes delayed after having to think it out. It took me about two weeks after the murders at Columbine High School to cry. I hate being touched anywhere, not yet that I've freaked, I just lock up tight.
One time, however, I remember a girl being sent to me to have sex, part of an outlaw motorcycle club thing, and she was insistent. I pushed her off me solidly. I was sweating and going into panic mode - rage I think now - before I was able to get out of there. At the time, I wrote it off to fear of being detected of being gay and impotent, but now I know it was more than that, MUCH more.
No, you're wrong, I hope I'm correct about everything with my parents. Today, first day with some knowledge of the incest, being around people at work and walking around I was SO different. I felt almost normal for the very first time in my life. This is better than any drug I've ever had! Before last week, when I finally unlocked some of my repressed memories, I was restocking for my next suicide, now, that's all beginning to take the form of a repressed memory. I guess you might say I'm leaving Bizarro world. No, I want to know more! I even looked at a woman today in a healthy way, and I don't ever recall being hetero.
I now have to work on my anti-social ways, habits and all the other BS coping schemes that have come to protect and define me. With any luck, maybe one day I'll even learn to be myself.
Michael
This is a lie:
I'm a victim
Part of an email I was writing follows and I want to share. I was born one week ago, Saturday, when I was watching a video called The Unsaid. By the time it was done my eyes were finally open.
Quote:
"guess you are way ahead of me in the recovery process because you do not feel the guilt shame and responsibility i feel..."
The part I feel strong on at this juncture is the guilt, shame and responsibility. I'm 53 and the way I see it is I've been full of that shit as a victim for the last 50 years or so. I've been a victim accepting that which I had no control over. That's crazy! Im not going to waste anymore time on it!! Now that I can find some explanation for EVERYTHING screwed-up about me, it all makes sense. Hindsight makes it all so obvious. I so much now know the difference between being a victim and being a survivor.
Like your uncle, or whoever assaulted you before that, HE/THEY is/are responsible and should be full of remorse, guilt and shame. NOT YOU! Turn that over to him or them and free yourself. Believe your gut at this point whether its right or wrong. I have to think once you believe that, you will relax some, refocus, and more affirmative answers will come your way. Did you ever notice how you were doing something and all of a sudden some answer to a question just popped up, coming from out of the blue, from out of a repressed memory maybe?
You're the first and only person I mentioned to about thinking it was my father with ~assistance from my mom. After I signed off, I kind of felt bad about mentioning it. I'm the youngest of 3 boys and I don't recall my brothers being abused sexually, physically or otherwise the way I was. They both turned out well as men.
I still love my parents even thinking about what I now believe they did to me. I remember sleeping in between them often when I was around pre-school age. It all just fits too neatly; the 'sex' - which I think was he showed me on me how to masturbate and then had me do him, me always wanting to do sex related things with my friends (me 5+), tending to be rough with others like a bully and being brutally beaten by my dad w/o blood being drawn all before I was 10.
I always took responsibility for being a bastard of a kid and deserving of the beatings. Seems the more I got beat the more I would find ways to piss him off. I've lived 50 years without emotions and empathy for others comes delayed after having to think it out. It took me about two weeks after the murders at Columbine High School to cry. I hate being touched anywhere, not yet that I've freaked, I just lock up tight.
One time, however, I remember a girl being sent to me to have sex, part of an outlaw motorcycle club thing, and she was insistent. I pushed her off me solidly. I was sweating and going into panic mode - rage I think now - before I was able to get out of there. At the time, I wrote it off to fear of being detected of being gay and impotent, but now I know it was more than that, MUCH more.
No, you're wrong, I hope I'm correct about everything with my parents. Today, first day with some knowledge of the incest, being around people at work and walking around I was SO different. I felt almost normal for the very first time in my life. This is better than any drug I've ever had! Before last week, when I finally unlocked some of my repressed memories, I was restocking for my next suicide, now, that's all beginning to take the form of a repressed memory. I guess you might say I'm leaving Bizarro world. No, I want to know more! I even looked at a woman today in a healthy way, and I don't ever recall being hetero.
I now have to work on my anti-social ways, habits and all the other BS coping schemes that have come to protect and define me. With any luck, maybe one day I'll even learn to be myself.
Michael
! )
