Because of her
Lately Ive been fortunate enough to share with a couple of other guys here about my violent history with my mother. While she never outwardly or actively sexually abused me, I was forced to share a bed with her for two years between the ages of 9 & 11. Because my mother was the cause of all the harm that I suffered directly and indirectly - as a child, having to share her bed, being in such intimate contact with this person who held the power to kill if she chose to, she has left me with life-long scars that are taking an awfully long time to fade.
While I understand her behaviour much better today and I know that she wasnt fully responsible for her actions, (she suffered from HPD) http://www.minddisorders.com/Flu-Inv/Histrionic-personality-disorder.html and while its also true that the pain of my childhood is behind me, her memory never fades, never leaves me. It has been many years now since anything has had the power to trigger the pain that she caused me and yet almost everyday something or other will remind me of her.
I haven't seen her or spoken to her in ten years now, but I doubt Ill ever be free of her.
I have been obsessively playing the following song for weeks now and while it principally refers to an abusive relationship between a man and woman, the lyrics describe succinctly what the effects of being raised by a woman with a mental disorder has done to me. Maybe by sharing them here, Ill get to move past this phase Im in.
BECAUSE OF YOU
I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did, you fell so hard
Ive learned the hard way
To never let it get that far
Because of you I never stray to far from the sidewalk
Because of you Ive learned to play on the safe side
So I dont get hurt
Because of you I find it hard
To trust not only me, but everyone me
Because of you I am afraid
I lose my way and its not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry because I know thats weakness in your eyes
Im forced to fake a smile, a laugh, everyday of my life
My heart cant possibly break
When it wasnt even whole to start with
I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young, you should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else, you just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night for that same damn pain
Because of you I never stray to far from the sidewalk
Because of you Ive learned to play on the safe side
So I dont get hurt
Because of you I find it hard
To trust not only me, but everyone me
Because of you I am afraid
Because of you
While I understand her behaviour much better today and I know that she wasnt fully responsible for her actions, (she suffered from HPD) http://www.minddisorders.com/Flu-Inv/Histrionic-personality-disorder.html and while its also true that the pain of my childhood is behind me, her memory never fades, never leaves me. It has been many years now since anything has had the power to trigger the pain that she caused me and yet almost everyday something or other will remind me of her.
I haven't seen her or spoken to her in ten years now, but I doubt Ill ever be free of her.
I have been obsessively playing the following song for weeks now and while it principally refers to an abusive relationship between a man and woman, the lyrics describe succinctly what the effects of being raised by a woman with a mental disorder has done to me. Maybe by sharing them here, Ill get to move past this phase Im in.
BECAUSE OF YOU
I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did, you fell so hard
Ive learned the hard way
To never let it get that far
Because of you I never stray to far from the sidewalk
Because of you Ive learned to play on the safe side
So I dont get hurt
Because of you I find it hard
To trust not only me, but everyone me
Because of you I am afraid
I lose my way and its not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry because I know thats weakness in your eyes
Im forced to fake a smile, a laugh, everyday of my life
My heart cant possibly break
When it wasnt even whole to start with
I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young, you should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else, you just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night for that same damn pain
Because of you I never stray to far from the sidewalk
Because of you Ive learned to play on the safe side
So I dont get hurt
Because of you I find it hard
To trust not only me, but everyone me
Because of you I am afraid
Because of you