Because of her

joelRT

Member, Male
Lately Ive been fortunate enough to share with a couple of other guys here about my violent history with my mother. While she never outwardly or actively sexually abused me, I was forced to share a bed with her for two years between the ages of 9 & 11. Because my mother was the cause of all the harm that I suffered directly and indirectly - as a child, having to share her bed, being in such intimate contact with this person who held the power to kill if she chose to, she has left me with life-long scars that are taking an awfully long time to fade.

While I understand her behaviour much better today and I know that she wasnt fully responsible for her actions, (she suffered from HPD) http://www.minddisorders.com/Flu-Inv/Histrionic-personality-disorder.html and while its also true that the pain of my childhood is behind me, her memory never fades, never leaves me. It has been many years now since anything has had the power to trigger the pain that she caused me and yet almost everyday something or other will remind me of her.

I haven't seen her or spoken to her in ten years now, but I doubt Ill ever be free of her.

I have been obsessively playing the following song for weeks now and while it principally refers to an abusive relationship between a man and woman, the lyrics describe succinctly what the effects of being raised by a woman with a mental disorder has done to me. Maybe by sharing them here, Ill get to move past this phase Im in.

BECAUSE OF YOU

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did, you fell so hard
Ive learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you I never stray to far from the sidewalk
Because of you Ive learned to play on the safe side
So I dont get hurt
Because of you I find it hard
To trust not only me, but everyone me
Because of you I am afraid

I lose my way and its not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry because I know thats weakness in your eyes
Im forced to fake a smile, a laugh, everyday of my life
My heart cant possibly break
When it wasnt even whole to start with

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young, you should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else, you just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night for that same damn pain

Because of you I never stray to far from the sidewalk
Because of you Ive learned to play on the safe side
So I dont get hurt
Because of you I find it hard
To trust not only me, but everyone me
Because of you I am afraid

Because of you
 

TJ jeff

Moderator
Staff member
Joel,

I'm sad for your past being what it was - but I'm also glad that you are moving forward - past that hurt - into a brighter future

even though she might not have been in control (mentaly) - she still did wat she did - it still hurts - letting that hurt out is the best way past it

I've never read the words of that song before - though I've heard it many times - it definately stirs deep feelings within me - because it speaks to my own past too in some ways

thanx for sharing
 

joelRT

Member, Male
TJ jeff said:
even though she might not have been in control (mentaly) - she still did wat she did - it still hurts - letting that hurt out is the best way past it
Thanks Jeff

And for me the whole difficulty in being able to let go and move forward, and yes to forgive her as well, was in reconciling that while she wasn't fully in control of herself, still and all she did to me what she did and I bear the scars of her innapropriate actions and her vile words - it alwas felt to me like I looking for someone to be accountable, waiting for someone to show up and apologixe to me before I could move on.

It took a lot of recovery work over many years for me to realize that nobody could apologize for what was done to me - how could anyone say 'I'm sorry'? No one but me knew the depth of the pain that I was carrying.

I had to learn that letting go of my anger, my resentment and most especially my childlike illusions that someone was going to come along and save me from my life before I understood that I am the one who is accountable for my life. I could choose to let go and move on, maybe find some happiness or could hold on to the bitterness and thereby continue to live in the cesspool of my hurt

Letting go is the much better way to go. Am I happy now? No. But I stand a much better chance now than I ever did and that is so much more than I have ever had.
 
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