... because it didn't hurt ...

[selene]

... just pondering stuff today ...

... k has been talking more about his abuse ... yesterday he went through the whole story again with me ... i think maybe talking about it takes away a little of the power ...

... but it also got me to thinking ... about k and about my own abuse ... he looks at being sodomized as the absolute height of being abused ... it hurt ... he's never wanted to repeat it ... it was like someone knocking him down and beating the crap out of him ... absolutely no ambiguity there ... just pain ...

... but the other stuff the guy did, he started out slow and increased what he did each time he was with k ... and it didn't hurt ... it felt wrong ... but it didn't hurt and it even felt good in some ways ... k had an orgasm the second time he was abused ...

... my abuser liked to feel up little girls' flat chests ... again, it didn't hurt ... it felt wrong, it made me ashamed of myself down to my very core, but i *still* have a hard time seeing it as actual abuse (i'm working on it) ...

... i acted out with girls for a few years after my abuse ... and it was very much a repetition of the abuse ... and that's what k started doing right after his abuse ... i switched to boys at about 13 and to thinking love and sex were the same thing .. i finally realized what love was when i had my kids ... and k kept acting out never knowing what love was at all ... not any kind ... not from his parents, not from me or our kids or from friends ...

... do i have a point here? ... oh, probably not lol ... i just guess i'm trying to say that i think for some people it's hard to look at something as true and supremely harmful abuse because it didn't hurt physically ... but that it's the stuff that DIDN'T hurt so obviously that was the most harmful ... at least i can see that in myself and in k ...

ramblings from selene

 

[TJ jeff]

Hi Selene,

this is a very good place to ramble...

people here understand my ramblings much better than I could ever of imagined - simply amazes me sometimes...

90% of my sexual abuse did'nt hurt physicaly - yes, I do have a hard time seeing it as being as damaging as it really was/is - I was only 4 when it started - I understood nothing of what he wanted to do as being wrong - him being 8 years older than me - I trusted him so very deeply - he was so good to me - better than anyone else in my life at that age - how could what he was doing be so wrong??? he started out so slow - just 'doctor' games at first - built so slowly up to more and more things... - and he would do the things back to me that he wanted me to do to him which somehow made it feel as if it was all ok - took me till I was around 8 to understand that what he was doing and making me do to him was wrong - took me till I was over 9 to make him stop - after it stopped I went through many many years of hating my physical body and the parts that make me a 'man' - yes, I did have girlfriends - but they was set up by others - I never chased after no one - all sex I had was instigated by the girl - not me - there was no emmotions attached - it was just something that in my mind was 'expected' of me...

I am now in a relationship again - we've known each other for over 5 years - but we only been together as a couple for a few months - she is so incredibly unlike any other girl I have ever been with - no push to make me do things - it is always up to me to take that first step - but, that first step is so very hard... (I so much don't want to go back to doing things emmotionaly un-attached) - heck, I've only ever kissed her once so far (even though I would like to - just scared of what it might lead to - things I am simply not ready for and would not be emmotionaly there for)

yes - because of a past that did'nt hurt physicaly - there are still many many problems that need to be dealt with...

I am so glad you talked of this here - it is indeed a deep hurt - needs to be talked about...

TJ jeff