Beautiful Trauma

I again woke up unable to get out of bed, covers up to my neck. Scared, anxious, stressed. I slept but had weird dreams and when I got up to go then the bathroom a couple of times I got panicky and very scared and ran back to get back under the covers to get in bed to go back to sleep.

I got up finally after laying in bed curled up for awhile in this cover ball thing and sat on the side of the bed. Almost cried, but didn't. Got it together, went out to the living room and opened my door where my grey greeted me all happy which was better.

Ate breakfast, etc. Still can't focus, still can't think. Mind still half scared but not sure of what. Took meds and trusty daily Ativan (no lectures please-it's prescribed and prn). I just keep thinking I know something is coming if I'm feeling like this, it's like a haunted house. It's like the day of my uncle remembering. Ugh.

So when I use my laptop and check email and other stuff online, I usually do music online and I turned on my AmazonMusic. The playlist had Pink's "Beautiful Trauma" up on it. I like this song anyway long before this. It helped me through two situations, and I like her anyway. And this song has been running through my head on and off since I joined MS.

But when I started typing this post, and it came on the line "I've been on the run so long they can't find me..." came on. And I was like what? Well yes that hits home. That dinged.

And then the next line or two was "Then there are days I've been barely breathing..." came on. Well, there it was. Pretty much hit home.

And pretty much how it feels now. Maybe I'll journal later today or tonight or tomorrow morning why I'm tearing up. But I'm just not ready to now. I just can't. I know maybe I should all this has been too much already. Overwhelming. Scary. Scared where I am and scared what's coming up. Scared what I've stirred up.

What a mess I am. I guess everybody would tell me everything wasn't my fault. I guess I know that, I don't even know what everything was, and I don't even know what everything was. And to be honest, is everything when I know it going to break me? To know who did it, what they did, the trust I put them, to put it all together as a whole once it's clear? I think it will.

So maybe indeed it is true, a beautiful trauma.

 

Healing light

Registrant
I again woke up unable to get out of bed, covers up to my neck. Scared, anxious, stressed. I slept but had weird dreams and when I got up to go then the bathroom a couple of times I got panicky and very scared and ran back to get back under the covers to get in bed to go back to sleep.

I got up finally after laying in bed curled up for awhile in this cover ball thing and sat on the side of the bed. Almost cried, but didn't. Got it together, went out to the living room and opened my door where my grey greeted me all happy which was better.

Ate breakfast, etc. Still can't focus, still can't think. Mind still half scared but not sure of what. Took meds and trusty daily Ativan (no lectures please-it's prescribed and prn). I just keep thinking I know something is coming if I'm feeling like this, it's like a haunted house. It's like the day of my uncle remembering. Ugh.

So when I use my laptop and check email and other stuff online, I usually do music online and I turned on my AmazonMusic. The playlist had Pink's "Beautiful Trauma" up on it. I like this song anyway long before this. It helped me through two situations, and I like her anyway. And this song has been running through my head on and off since I joined MS.

But when I started typing this post, and it came on the line "I've been on the run so long they can't find me..." came on. And I was like what? Well yes that hits home. That dinged.

And then the next line or two was "Then there are days I've been barely breathing..." came on. Well, there it was. Pretty much hit home.

And pretty much how it feels now. Maybe I'll journal later today or tonight or tomorrow morning why I'm tearing up. But I'm just not ready to now. I just can't. I know maybe I should all this has been too much already. Overwhelming. Scary. Scared where I am and scared what's coming up. Scared what I've stirred up.

What a mess I am. I guess everybody would tell me everything wasn't my fault. I guess I know that, I don't even know what everything was, and I don't even know what everything was. And to be honest, is everything when I know it going to break me? To know who did it, what they did, the trust I put them, to put it all together as a whole once it's clear? I think it will.

So maybe indeed it is true, a beautiful trauma.

Hi grey

My favourite pink song is "a million dreams"

I'm sorry for what you are facing , I can identify

It's good to talk where you are understood

Honestly I didn't think I'd be where I'm at today 5 years ago
Or even one year ago

I truly wish you peace in your healing
HL
 
I again woke up unable to get out of bed, covers up to my neck. Scared, anxious, stressed. I slept but had weird dreams and when I got up to go then the bathroom a couple of times I got panicky and very scared and ran back to get back under the covers to get in bed to go back to sleep.

I got up finally after laying in bed curled up for awhile in this cover ball thing and sat on the side of the bed. Almost cried, but didn't. Got it together, went out to the living room and opened my door where my grey greeted me all happy which was better.

Ate breakfast, etc. Still can't focus, still can't think. Mind still half scared but not sure of what. Took meds and trusty daily Ativan (no lectures please-it's prescribed and prn). I just keep thinking I know something is coming if I'm feeling like this, it's like a haunted house. It's like the day of my uncle remembering. Ugh.

So when I use my laptop and check email and other stuff online, I usually do music online and I turned on my AmazonMusic. The playlist had Pink's "Beautiful Trauma" up on it. I like this song anyway long before this. It helped me through two situations, and I like her anyway. And this song has been running through my head on and off since I joined MS.

But when I started typing this post, and it came on the line "I've been on the run so long they can't find me..." came on. And I was like what? Well yes that hits home. That dinged.

And then the next line or two was "Then there are days I've been barely breathing..." came on. Well, there it was. Pretty much hit home.

And pretty much how it feels now. Maybe I'll journal later today or tonight or tomorrow morning why I'm tearing up. But I'm just not ready to now. I just can't. I know maybe I should all this has been too much already. Overwhelming. Scary. Scared where I am and scared what's coming up. Scared what I've stirred up.

What a mess I am. I guess everybody would tell me everything wasn't my fault. I guess I know that, I don't even know what everything was, and I don't even know what everything was. And to be honest, is everything when I know it going to break me? To know who did it, what they did, the trust I put them, to put it all together as a whole once it's clear? I think it will.

So maybe indeed it is true, a beautiful trauma.

Grey Hound,

That took a lot of courage to share and thank you.

I can so relate to your story about being under the covers, ugh, I was in the same situation, but with the help of some amazing trauma therapist and doing a lot of research on how to try and heal myself I can say I'm in a good place, and If I can do it anyone can do it.

I would like to share one thing that has had a profound impact on my recovery, for the past 11 years I have kept a gratitude journal, I write and thank God for three things, it only takes five minutes but the results have been amazing.

It is scientificly proven that practicing gratitude has incredible mental health benefits, it has the ability to change your attitude and outlook on what really is important in life.

Good luck with your recovery and be well.
 
To know who did it, what they did, the trust I put them, to put it all together as a whole once it's clear? I think it will.
Dear Grey,
I can identify with what you say, I feel panicky and on edge all the time, that sounds like what was happening when you got up out of bed. As far as the Ativan comment, that is between you and your medical professionals, who gives a fuck what anyone here thinks about it. After they go and get their medical degree, I guess you could consider listening to them. I think I would mention to my medical professionals about the difficulty in concentrating, I always run into a wall here because of everything I know of repressed memories is just stuff I have read.

I would think one of the keys here would be the fact that you are not sure what might come tumbling out next, and yes that would be scary. However, whatever it is we will all deal with together, plus you have your therapist kicking your back tire. When it does all come out, it if hasn’t already, it is not going to break you Grey. I believe that you are stronger and more resilient than you know you just must recognize that and believe it. What these people did to you did created a mess Grey, but it is not an insurmountable one and ultimately you will triumph over it. It just may not feel like it now and believe you me I understand that feeling too.
Respectfully,
Jrperky010101
 
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