beating around the bush

takingflight

Registrant
So far I've tossed up neglect, abuse, bipolar disorder, physical abuse, attachment disorder, and all sorts of stuff in other areas of this site - sort of a get to know you greeting. They are quite enough for sure, but they are like chaff in the wind compared to this one.

If you don't have a lot of processing on your own stuff already done, stop now, it's very difficult.

I fought and fought against these memories for years, just changed the channel in my head when they came - until the fall of 2004 when I was 47 years old. I stopped all the fidgeting, and let it come.

I was 4 years and 8 months old. I was brought to a house in my town to be baby sat while my parents worked. She had no other children to watch. She started off by teasing me about having to go pee. Then she wouldn't let me. When I pee'd she went beserk with yelling and taunting, and made me put my head on the toilet. Then she stripped down to a ivory colored latex corset with metal clips on it, flipped me on my back, and stuck the clips in my face and pinched me with them. Then she relieved herself and laughed, while she held me nose closed and made me drink.

She did it 5 times in 3 days. On the fourth day, I wouldn't let my parents take me in. I shoved my arms under the back seat of the car and despite yelling and a couple of spanks refused to budge. My mother finally sensed something was wrong and had him take us home to our house (divorced). I never told. Imagine my shock when my mother bought a house about 5 houses away when I was 11. I never looked at it, would always try and avoid it even driving by. I never walked near it - maybe 60 feet was the closest I ever got.

But I never forgot that yellow bathroom, that corset, that house, that horror.

It's destroyed my sex life; my chance at being with someone. Normal people do not like to reenact insanity - or even the 2nd cousins of insanity. They get mad, they leave. Why not? It was insane. Repetition compulsion - one of the last of Freud's concepts that still holds.

Later a guy flashed me (age 8), then chased me in his car, then on foot, and grabbed my ankle as I slithered under a very narrow fence, and kicked his hand away and ran. I became DID for sure over this one.

When I was 11 the guy next door raped me two days in a row at gunpoint and made me say I liked it. Why not, by then I was expert at going away in my head.

But nothing else was as soul crushing as this. I ask anyone that responds to this to kindly leave the word god or the concept of god out of it. It will only enrage me, and cause me to utter foul oaths. Thanks in advance.

TF
 
TF,

The cruelty with which some people live their lives can't be understood. I wish there were brilliant words in my head for you but the only words I have are: strength and hope. I wish you the continued strength that you've shown to get this far and I wish for you to find some hope that you can make your life more as you would wish it to be. I'm very sorry that you had all of that in your life.

sono

p.s. You see, leaving out certain references was no challenge.
 
takingflight,

that's disgusting that this happened to you. you deserved so much more from your care givers. this care giver was a care taker ..... took something that was not theirs to take, and now there is no reconciliatory act that can restore you to the way you were prior to being molested in such a manner. i know it's hard to face the consequences of the abuse; there is no soft landing, but there is a safe landing. keep talking, and we'll keep listening, ok?

all the best,

ron

ps.... 'g' talk is only permitted in certain forums, and this one is not one of them, so we got ya convered on that concern.
 
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takingflight

Registrant
Dear sono and Sans Logos,

Thank your for taking the time,and greeting me with kind and knowing words. They are welcome!

I see now my life which I thought was pretty good considering, isn't so great. I mean that my caring and kindness to others has been used to manipulate people to be kind to me, and to not leave me. But the actual higher aspects of love like agape and deep consideration of what is good for others - well - I have been able to give that to friends and casual friends, but when they get close to me, I can't.

My wife feels loyalty, she cares, but my health problems, my depression, the end of my career these past couple of years, its a joyless load. She is so unhappy, and of course I used to feel responsible to take action - refocus, entertain, distract, say kind words, but that doesn't work anymore. It was really all about me. But now, I can see it, can feel my urge to do the old things, I try to be real, to be honest, and it just seems to make things worse.

I'm trying to find value in just being me, and cooking, hiking the dog, driving the kids, cleaning, but everyone seems to resent me because I look OK (high blood pressure, strokes, bad joints/circulation problems due to Marfan's) they are not really visible. I'm trying to get Federal disability and my Dr and PDoc and T say I am a shoe in. But I dread it too, because it will confirm that I am broken, and my mind and heart which have come a long way are being swept out to sea by my physical infirmities before I am going to be able to really put it together. Everyone I suppose is frustrated at that sort of feeling, but I always figured I would find a way.

I don't give up, just don't, but lately, it seems to have an appeal it never did before. Let go, just let it go. Stop caring about what others say or think. It's my life, and if I live it with dignity and do not harm others, what else could anyone ask for?

TF
 
I don't give up, just don't, but lately, it seems to have an appeal it never did before
probably because you ain't buying it anymore. reading your post brings up feelings of sadness for me tf, because i feel as if you are speaking my own life in your words.

it seems as if you are fighting an uphill battle, courageously, valiantly, with determination, yet wondering what's the point? it does sound like depression has got a good firm hold of you. i hope you can find some comfort in the knowledge that if things fall apart, at least you have the safety net in the [almost] guarantee of federal assistance to fall back on.

well, that's probably not much of a comfort; at least you won't be lacking in having your most basic needs supplied, which would be a huge load off your mind. beyond that, i get the sense that you are feeling a bit defeated, especially since you have spent much of your life, as have i, using achievement to measure self-worth.

i'm in a transitional limbo right now, where i am just hanging on to my career out of habit, and with all other options seeming bleak, wondering what will be the outcome. yet when i reflect on this, i realize that in this transitional period, i am learning to relinquish control and learning to trust that something else will 'find a way'. it may not the the way i had been trying to make it all along [ie the way i think i 'want'], and who knows i may be surprised that it will be a way much better than any one i can image.

keep talking bro, and we'll keep listening. this will work itself out in due time. if anything, trust the process.....that's what give me hope.

all the best,

ron
 

takingflight

Registrant
thanks ron

things are a bit better. my event horizon has increased, and i'm breathing better.

it is a real moment for me that i saw that i have spent so my much of my life externally to assure my safety, and the whole meditation, be inside yourself, act from your heart was never real for me, just a put on to address expectations. So I am a survivor, and I have remained one, never being at home unless I had my hands on all the spider webs, and being tipped over by a breeze so many times. It is sort of pathetic, but it is my life, and nobody can fix it but me.

TF
 
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