Badges of courage, it probably triggers

[ak]

It is not about the scars that are unseen right now. Those, they seem like they are with us always, but sometime, we can act as if nothing ever touch our souls in any dark way, can't we? And put on the smiles, even if they are pretend, and everthing, it is like to look at us from outside, we are 'normal' people. But it is the scars outside, sometime it is hard to hide them too.

My friend, he have to have surgerys from his father's abuse of him, and have some scars of that. Another friend who have scars on him. One of my abusers, he 'mark' me because he say I belong to him. Always, I have felt embarrased anyone to see that mark, or others I have of what happen. I always dress to keep things covered. My friend, he do same, and keep his hair long to cover scar on his neck.

But today, I went swimming with two friends, and of course, swimming, more is seen, you can not cover so much unless you keep your shirt on in pool. Sometime, strangers even, they ask some maybe rude questions? One older lady, she see large scar on my friends stomach and say 'oh my, what happened there?' Being nice maybe, but nosy like. And he say it is from surgery, she ask what kind of surgery and he tell her. Then she ask, well what happened that you needed that, was it an accident. And my friend, he just say 'yes', to get it over.

But I am thinking to myself, as I hear this, no, it is not an accident. An accident, it is not meant, but also, it like makes the victim a passive thing in it? I am thinking to myself, no, that is no accident. That is a scar from refusing to die when someone try to kill you. It is not a negative thing now, but a positive. A mark of strength, a badge of courage. Something to not be ashamed of, but proud of. A sign of a survivor.

Always, I have had shame of my body, because I think everone look at me with dirty thoughts or intent? And it is like, that is what my body is for. And with the marks, the scars on it, there was always more shame even, that I did not want anyone ever to know that someone have me in such intimate relations that they are even able to do that to me. But now, maybe I can thnk it different? If I could see it different of my friend, why not of myself, and why not see it as, this is me, this is a sign of a survivor, this is a sign of my strength and power, and my not giving up. I think I would like to be able to think of such things in that way, and feel more comfortable with myself, inside my own body and skin.

Sorry, I do not know this makes such sense, but I just felt rather strong about this thought, and wanted to share it, I hope it is ok.

Andrei

 

[Grunty1967b]

I don't have a specific answer, not that I think you were really asking a question anyway. You were expressing some thoughts and feelings you have had.

Know that I understand. You have made yourself very clear. I too relate to the whole exposing my body thing. I feel very self conscious, and even feel more uncomfortable seeing 'lots of flesh' on other people. I dread summer and seeing (guys particularly) wearing less clothing than normal.

Take care, and be easy on yourself. You're doing ok.

 

[Leosha]

Andrei,

I think that some poor body image and shame is natural for us. I think that this particular feeling of of understanding, that this new comprehension for you, is a good thing. Because anything that helps you to feel better about yourself and more accepting of yourself is well worth it. YOU are worth it, to feel better about yourself. You are a good, decent man who is not as damaged and 'marked' as you think.

Keep the good thoughts my friend.

Leosha