bad weekend

bad weekend
P

phoster

Registrant
A hard weekend. Friday was my b-day, and I had hoped for something special in bed. Instead we fell into our usual routine. When it was over, my wife asked if I enjoyed sex. What a loaded question! Her asking inferred she wasnt, and felt that I wasnt. Finally, after quite a bit of beating about the bush, I had to admit that we had become routine and boring, and that I wasnt having fun.

This raises so many questions in me that it isnt funny. Once more I feel abnormal because I cant be happy in a normal sexual relationship. I feel inadequate because I feel as though she clearly isnt getting what she needs from me. I feel like acting out again, and I guess I have in small ways. I caught my mind fantasizing about all sorts of kink that I havent allowed myself to think about. I even began writing an erotic story. That is a passion of mine I havent allowed myself in ages. I feel I need an outlet for it all, but am not sure where to find it without hurting my relationship.

Deb says she wants me to be more aggressive, but what in the hell does that mean? Either you are willing to do something or not. Why cant she willingly participate as an equal instead of one of us in charge? She feels our roles are reversed, but am I ready to take the lead? Ive been controlled my entire life. I dont even know if I can be the husband in a biblical sense.

I feel like I am to blame, coming home from therapy, admitting I am not happy deep down inside. I didnt mean it as a reflection on her, but I suppose it is. I just feel like everything I have worked so hard for is about to come off track. What is being more assertive anyway? I am who I am, gentle and passive. I dont think I can be any other way and still function. I have tried getting rough, and it triggers me. I instantly have anxiety. I fear loosing control I reckon, or revealing desires she wouldnt like. I fear putting myself out there in bed, I guess. It is much easier to submit that to lead.
 
phoster,
for us, it is dificult to see what others would would see in a similar situation because such questions are so loaded with other symbols and images. just to give to offer some possible alternative perspectives on what she may have been requesting... when i have heard this request through friends relating their experience, as well as my own personal experience, what i have found is that it is not necessarily a request for aggression per se, as it is a request for initiative. there can be a mutual pleasure and naughtiness in some playful aggression between two willing and loving people, but what i have seen is that the real need is not the playful roleplaying as it is the desire of the one partner to respond to the overtures of the other. i know from my own experience in the distant past that i would not initiate intimacy because of reasons i will not go into here, but instead waited for her (former marriage, that is) to give me some sign. this can do two or more things. first, it can put the full responsibility of intimacy onto one partner only and that is a heavy load to carry. the second is that it could send the message that the "passive" partner is not interested in the other one. if, on the other hand, both loving partners develop a language where there are clear and unambiguous signals of desire that also allow the other to gratiously decline with no lose of face if necessary, then that would mean both are free to initiate intimacy with the other when they feel like it, keeping in mind the option of the other saying no with no sense of insult. it can also mean intimacy of the simple but beautiful fulfillment or validation sort where the one partner would do somethiing such as giving the other a backrub right out of the blue with no hinting by the other. intimacy is about reaching out to the one you love. maybe what she is really saying is that she wishes you would reach out to her on your own initiative just to show her that you love her and find her attractive as you always have.
 
Hey Phos... sorry to hear you are struggling with this. It is not easy to get through... believe me, I know it well. The only difference for me is I love being in the rut... but my g/f definately doesn't. Another tough issue for us is that she equates love with sex, and for me... well, sex is sex. So, if I am not having sex with her often enough, then it must mean that I do not love her according to her.

So, I know your frustration. To balance your sexual needs with your survivor needs with her needs... like walking a tightrope, brother. And the anger that can surface, usually directed at the partner, when really... I think the anger comes from the fact that we were fucked with and now we have to deal with these issues in our adult life and the fear that we will never have a "normal" sexual relationship.

PM me if you need to.

-Sean
 
hello Phoster:

now i am noone to give advice seeing as how i have never been successful in an intimate relationship. but, i have heard it said that COMMUNICATION IS THE KEY! communicating better with your wife will help you through this i believe.

in your post you list 1 or more questions that you may want to ask her, i.e.: 'my wife says she wants me to be more aggressive.' what exactly does she want? and, 'why can't she willingly participate as an equal.' these are questions you may want to ask her my friend.

also, have you explained to her that certain things can 'trigger' you? and, perhaps couples sex therapy would help?

again, i am just trying to help out. good luck my friend. i will say a prayer for your relationship. sincerely and respectfully,


bec :)
 
Hope you are feeling a little better today and a belated Happy Birthday to you, too.

(I am using this name while the webmaster figures out my login problems but am the same old Brayton.)

I still can't be touched in bed without feeling re-traumatized. This happened again last week. I just laid there and let him do it to me and then did what was expected of me. It won't surprise anyone here to hear me say that the experience was very disturbing.

He had a good time.

I like your idea about two people being intimate on an equal basis. That has always been my dream. Some couples must have it and some of them must have worked for it.

How about some marriage/couples counseling?

Brett
 
phoster,

I really don't have anything to add. This is quite the pickle, so to say.

Just wanted to let you know that you have my support.

Take care,
Bill
 
I am sorry, that the weekend was so bad for you. I wish I could have advice to give you, but sexual relations is something I never feel I can offer thoughts on. I have never had one, still, with another person, whether it be normal or abnormal. I hope that you are able to receive better advice from other members here.

leosha
 
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