Bad trigger and I don't know why *trigger*

[Sick Puppy]

It is my partner's birthday, we went out for a nice dinner and then he came back here. We were going to have sex, we hadn't had it in a few days and he wanted it (I was indifferent) so we started to get intimate, and I was doing okay, but once the actual sex started I hit a really bad trigger. I just shut down. I tightened up and shook and couldn't say anything. At first he tried to get me out of it so I would be okay again and we could resume normal activity, but I wouldn't get out of it, and he got angry. I know how frustrated this makes him but I don't have any control over it. I feel really bad all the time about how emotionally and sexually frustrated he must get trying to deal with me all the time. I've been triggering in sexual situations lately and it's leaving him with nowhere to go.

He shouted at me about it (I felt awful, it was his birthday!!) and left the house, I was still in that trigger shock state, sort of, but I cried when he left because I felt like a failure. Later he came back and apologized several times and hugged me and said it was alright, but the hug didn't feel good, his presence didn't feel good. It was late so we got into bed and he had his arms around me. I hated the weight of his hands on me. I love him but I kept connecting the feelings with this one guy... this old guy I was with, when I was homeless, he offered me shelter and food if I gave him sex so I was alright with that, I didn't like the sex really but what else do you do? I was selling myself, I was 14. I stayed with that guy for a while, I would sleep in his bed at night, I hated his hands against me. I would curl up tight and hope for the dawn. It felt like that tonight. As soon as Dave fell asleep I crawled out of bed and slept on the floor. Now it's 5 AM and I can't get back to sleep because the floor is hard and kinda cold and my cat keeps walking over me.

I don't understand it. Not only did I trigger but I triggered, apparently, towards some incident that wasn't even a rape. I did that willingly with that man so that he'd feed me, shelter me, etc. He bought me things. I didn't like it much but it wasn't violent or forced. I don't understand... and I feel like a shithead for doing this to Dave on his birthday.

 

[bowman]

sp wrote:

Not only did I trigger but I triggered, apparently, towards some incident that wasn't even a rape. I did that willingly with that man so that he'd feed me, shelter me, etc. He bought me things. I didn't like it much but it wasn't violent or forced.

sex is supposed to be a fully consensual act. You had to have sex in order to get basic physical needs, so it wasn't really consensual. You said yourself that you didn't really like it, and so it seems like now maybe those feelings are coming out, and it makes sense that that would happen.

I'm sorry you had to have sex with someone just to survive. Your life was really hard that you had to be in that situation at all.

I'm not with anyone right now, so I don't have any input on the relationship part, but that also sounds pretty hard. On the one hand you get support from Dave, and on the other, you have to try to give to him what you might not be able to give right now. Don't beat yourself up.

Ken

 

[Marc]

Hi Josh,

We were going to have sex, we hadn't had it in a few days and he wanted it (I was indifferent.) so we started to get intimate, and I was doing okay, but once the actual sex started I hit a really bad trigger.

Okay, This may not always be the case in the future but hey, "YOUR MIND/BODY WAS TELLING YOU SOMETHING!!!". Listen to it. No sex on Dave's birthday is better than BAD sex on Dave's birthday. If you are feeling indifferent, tell him that. Doesn't mean you won't have sex right then but maybe NOT communicating your feelings first is the key to the triggers?

Bowman is right, by your description of the incident with the 'old guy', this wasn't consensual.

Now if you wanna make it up to Dave, sounds to me like you can. Dave sounds like a good guy. Start with a flower... (go buy 'one', not a dozen), make dinner or do something unexpected that he likes (buy a newspaper for him in the morning, a CD he's been wanting, clean the house, cook dinner, something.) Let him know that you feel bad about what happened (COMMUNICATE). That you love him, that you need some patience (not just from him but FROM YOURSELF). Forgive yourself Josh. Let yourself be human and let Dave be human too. And don't forget to cry and laugh and love.

 

[Mike Church]

Josh I posted something under "Reclaiming sexuality" That might help. Have a look.

Take Marc's advice too. and Ken's.

You gotta be gentle with yourself. Take the pressure off. Relax. Pressured can be devestating for us

 

[ScottyTodd]

Marc - What a very sensative and loving response! Your insight and advice is right on! I'd take that advice, do it and remember it!! That is really nice!!!

Howard

 

[The Dean]

Hi Josh!

Bear with me, I feel the need to be a bit pedantic.

Josh, NO 14 year old boy or girl can legally give consent to sex, under any circumstance whatever. The earliest it can be consenual sex in the USA is at 16 in SOME states. And even then, it truly must in fact be, consenual for BOTH people.

There is a reason the law was made like that. Being used, abused, betrayed and violated, being treated like a piece of meat to make someone else get his rocks off, does real awful things to a child. This old guy committed a very serious crime towards you. But the crime is not what bothers you today.

Josh, friend, I believe that the feelings you are having might well mean that you are begining to see how awful your life has been. It may very well mean that you are opening up a very important part of coming to see yourself as a man who will not be a piece of meat ever again. No love, no tnederness, no sex. You are getting stronger--but that is scarey. You will get a ton of encouragement from us. Just don't see this as something really awful. Your partner Dave may need to come here and read some of the papers we have on site. Or he can get a book. Dave seems important to helping you see yourself as a man of value and dignity, a man that will not be abused nor used anymore, because you are far more valuable than that, and now you are coming to actually believe that.

Peace to you friend.

 

[al]

I would like to add something too. I think you said somewhere Dave was abused to. So maybe hes used to people just taking sex when they want it, maybe hes not used to the fact that both partners have to want it at the same time and it needs to be done in a gentle and loving and consentual way. And maybe his triggers are completely different than yours and he simply doesnt understand?

Just my opinion (and i'm ducking from the wrotten tomatoes about to be thrown at me) but it can't just be given as a gift like a back rub or a hug, but it needs to be the result of the love between the two

the icing on the cake so to speak?

 

[joeybird]

Josh you answered your own question as you were writting in the first part you say that you planned to have sex with dave which seems very nice but then you go on to explain that this older man who gave you a place to stay at 14 want sex in exchange for his help and you say he touched you nightly this was planned on his part this seems like the trigger you are looking for it was planned i would try to not plan things like your sex with dave try just letting things happien and you may find that this trigger will fade i too have had this trigger and found that if i dont plan these things that not only do you enjoy them more but the trigger isnt there just a thought joey

 

[MrDon]

We've got an understanding that we have had from day 1 when we met. If at any time we want to stop for whatever reason, all we have to do is say stop. And that is what we do. We don't go any further, we stop. We will usually try to understand what is going on with the other person in this situation, but we try to respect each other and the triggers at all times.

I've had times when I completely shut down and I've had times where we had to stop because of the triggers it brought up. As soon as I can figure out what is going on (which may take me some time), I try to explain to Jeff what took place. I do try no matter what to let him know that it is nothing he did and that it is a trigger even if I can't quite explain it.

If we were not this way, I wouldn't have made it this far in our relationship. Sex was a very scary thing to me and I've come a long ways in it but this safety net that we have with each other has helped us how to learn to trust each other as well.

Just some thoughts from what we experience.

Don