bad therapy session: definite trigger

bad therapy session: definite trigger
theo

theo

Registrant
it seems i have been pulling a lot of those latly, triggers that is. i have just stepped oit of my second therapy session and it triggered something really bad. i don't know if it involves the knife from the recent recall i have had the last two weeks ( i hope i have talked about the last two weeks here, correct me if i did not, i am not thinking too clearly right now). the trigger was a single word that threw me back to three-four year old. the word was "swallowed". i know i don't need to elaborate here what memory it triggered, but the experience of sitting there having a flashback with the therapist totally oblivious (my flashbacks are typically very quiet unless i am dissociating as well) did not help at all. i had to tell her what was going on. i am definitely seeking another therapist, or maybe i am being too hard on her since this is only the second session.

the flashback i had was general, but as it was happening i was trying to ground myself and keep some perspective. after the therapist and i talked for a few minutes about the episode she asked point blank if it was what it was. sorry, don't feel like saying right now. it seemed kind of cruel for her to state the obvious and frame it in a question that required a response. i was only four years old and he forced me to do that. iam trying to stay grounded because i am not in a safe place right now so i am resorting to being as detached as i can. it is right there in the front of my mind wanting to come out and express itself but i don't want it to. i was only four years old!!!

big
taste bad
no
don't want to
can't speak
scared
can't breath
don't want to swallow
tastes bad
no!
no!
no!
no!
why???
am i bad?
not there!
any where else
please!!!
 
Theo,

I am so sorry that these things happened to you. Of course it was horrible for you to deal with. You were only four yesrs old and that monster forced you to do something repulsive.

As for your therapist, well, I would definitely mention how her question made you feel. That is, if you're comfortable with it (and the answer to that question alone should tell you whether or not you need a new one). These things should be talked about. Maybe it's her experience that mena prefer to be direct. Mine was willing to let me go where I needed to go when I could. That was a blessing, believe me.

Man, reading what you wrote, it triggered me too. I can imagine how four-year-old you felt. I want you to know, though, that I'm thinking about you and hoping you are safe and grounded now.

Things will get better for you, bro, I know it.

Peace and love,

Scot
 
i am not very well grounded right now, scot. i am trying so hard to stay here but i don't want to be here any more. i just don't want to be here any more.
 
THE GODDAMNED FUCKING BASTARD MADE ME SWALLOW IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
Theo
perhaps showing the therapist the verse would show the depth of your feelings, it does to me.

Therapy's never going to be easy.

Dave
 
soory, read, cann't remspond.
 
Theo,

I am so sorry that this happened to you. And sorry that you do not feel that you are being listened to.

Something very similar happened to me when I was four years old. I, fortunately, only remember bits and pieces. The flashbacks are devastating however.

I agree that it might be a good idea to show your therapist the verse. I started by making pictures, collages of images torn out of magazines and pieced together. It was the only way I could start the dialogue. Maybe the verse will do the same thing for you.

Brett.
 
Theo,

Please do not despair. I know it's hard, believe me, but you are okay now. That monster cannot make you do anything anymore.

What a legacy these animals leave us! I feel your panic and anger. You are justified beyond all reason for them.

If you need anything, please don;t hesitate to PM me or post here. I care about you, bro.

Stay safe, stay grounded. You are here and you are safe.

Peace and love,

Scot
 
P.S.

Theo, I just had a flashback and I had to tell you one more thing.

Why this is horrible, I think, is that these acts always involve some sort of betrayal of trust. First, the adults themselves would do it to us, and second, they always seem to lure us in with "do this just one thing and I won't do anything else, I promise." The flashback I had was such an example. I don't think I'll share it here because it's a definite trigger and I want you to read this without further pain. I also want you to know I am thinking about you and I hope you're more grounded now.

I love you, bro. No strings.

Peace.

Scot :D
 
Theo - I agree with Scot that your T needs to hear how her responses caused you to feel. Sharing how you feel helps prevent other acting behaviors. By the way she reacts/responds to your sharing, you should get a feeling of stay or go!

I agree with Dave...this recovery and healing is not easy!! (Out and out stinks! at times!!!) It takes real courage to forage ahead!

Lastly, hang in there! (not said lightly!) It is important to stay grounded as the "crap" rushes to our awareness! I think of it as navigating a river in a canoe. You know there's white water and rough spots ahead during which you do the best you can and hold on for dear life. Calm waters are ahead. There's no way around the 'white water' in recovery. Remember we are all together going down that same river and each engaging their own 'white water'. I'm glad you shared this experience. Hang on - your calmer water is ahead!

Howard
 
brothers,
i have read each of the responses here and have felt the love, compassion, and brotherhood that has been missing from my life except for three seperate occaisions of the two brothers i mentioned elsewhere and lady theo. i have just not been able to respond very well to the posts in the thread.

to update each of you, i have been more stable the last two days but i think i shut down more than adapted to the horror of the flashback. i still cannot read my last post in this thread from that night. i was able to name the horror in my journal the next day without dissociating, but it was vey clinical. in the past three months i have written over three hundred pages in my journal where i normally write half that if not less. i was able to get an extension on my school work with no penalties to my academic reputation. and i have sought other avenues of therapeutic intervention. i will share with the current therapist the feelings i had that night about her performance but i don't think i will stay with her because even though she is a good person, her professionalism seems to be questionable. you just don't force a person in the middle of a flashback to specifically name the horror if the evidence is obvious. her being clueless to my flashback i could write off somewhat to not knowing me well enough, but i think she crossed the line with forcing me to name the repulsive act. others have pointed out she also blew it when she let me out the door in the state of mind i was in. the flashback happened in the last fifteen minutes of the session and office hours were at an end. that observation came from another therapist who trains the counselors at the place i go to right now. i just don't feel comfortable with her at all. i know i am comparing her in part to the previous therapist i had for almost three years, but even early in that therapy relationship she (the first therapist i had) would not have let me go like that.

i just wanted to touch base and let you all know that i am still here, even though i have not been able to participate as much as i have been in the past. i also wante d everyone to know that even though i have not been able to repond much here or to other posts that i have been here and read each of the recent posts but have not been able to respond, but i have been there with each of you. take care.
 
I read posst, but i ccan't responeed, II am ssorry.
 
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