Bad "Relationship" Day

[blueelectron9]

Doug and I almost broke up today after my therapy appointment. I told him that I was not happy and that I thought I would be better off if we werent together anymore. After various courses of why, I ended up steering the conversation towards my being unhappy with sex, falling out of love with Doug, feeling disconnected, wanting to run away and die, being horribly bored, and just about anything else I could throw in the fire. Doug didnt freak out or anything and we tried to calmly talk about our relationship. He got a bit upset when the discussion turned to sex, because that is a big cause of many of our spats.

The truth is, Im very unhappy. Im unhappy that Im unable to connect with other people, especially Doug. Im bored and disconnected to the world and life and that makes me more bored. I seem to be in a perpetual state of boredom that I dont know how to escape.

Every week at therapy I bring either my laptop or other power toys to hide behind so that I can go to the coffee shop or library or other public place just to practice being around other people. Truth is right now I wouldnt mind it if someone came up to me and asked for my phone number, or vice-versa. I dont care at all about consequences right now and dont think I would regret if the relationship broke up. That scares me that Ive come to that point.

So Doug and I didnt break up, but were still in a state of flux. Im ready to leave. I think its time. I hesitate because Im not sure if it is me just wanting to run away or if it is really what I want. A part of me says that its really what I want. That is why I have stopped caring about consequences lately. Im ready to move on. Doug thinks we have a great relationship and that I would be stupid to think that I could find something better. He thinks I would definitely be downgrading. I would possibly have to give up seeing my therapist and going to school, so I was thinking about moving to Seattle because I have a friend who lives there who told me that he only pays a couple hundred dollars a month for rent. Granted, its Section 8 housing and there are drug dealers everywhere.

We ended on me feeling very disconnected, so that must be why Im feeling like Im falling out of love with Doug. Ive been crying on and off all afternoon. Its been a horrible day.

--Scott

 

[hanginon]

I am not prone to tell you what to do, but if you are going through hell (as they say) you should keep going but try to do it gently.

I have been in relationships with amazing men; all ended because I "got bored" except for the last one, who left me because of my acting out and not caring enough for his needs.

I know it's hard to be excited about a day to day life, but maybe some time off, or time away, would help you to appreciate what you have.

I can only say that I wish now that there was someone to share my life with and that you should consider yourself lucky to have a lover who cares enough about you to see it through.

Be calm, be careful, and be gentle on yourself. I hope you make the right decision for yourself.

big hugs,
john

 

[dwf]

Hey Scott,

Sorry to hear about the sadness you're feeling.

Glad you feel safe to come here and talk about it.

It may not make you feel better right away, but I hope at least you know now that you are not alone in this.

This sentence in your post caught my attention:

. I told him that I was not happy and that I thought I would be better off if we werent together anymore.

I just wondered if those two ideas were that closely linked together in reality, i.e. your unhappiness and being with Doug.

Personally I have a history of pinning my restlessness, ennui, dissatisfaction on those closest to me. Sometimes it's my co-workers, sometimes it's my partner, sometimes it's the people driving on the same freeway as me.

Inevitably, I find that pointing the finger at someone else deprives me of "another fucking growth opportunity"--and boy do I get sick of those "AFGO"....

Hope you feel better soon about yourself and where you are.

Be gentle, especially with yourself.

Thanks.