Bad place

I'm glad that this board is back up, I wasn't able to access it for about a week. I am in a bad place right now. I left my job on May 31, and things have gone from bad to worse to even worse than that. The company didn't file my termination papers, despite the fact that I have applied for unemployment, and filed complaints with the human rights commission, the state labor board, and still have my workers comp pending. (Am I having fun yet?) Right now, all I can think about is the fact that I was picked on at bullies at school, molested by a janitor and a school administrator, and told that I was a "bad kid" because I was "different" and should "shape up", yet they never said how to "shape up." Add religious abuse, with my mom taking my sister and I to a church where we were told we were going to hell no matter what. My father was an atheist, so he tried to undo what little religious teaching we did get. (When people ask me if I'm "born again", I tell them, "No, mom got it right the first time.) Add to that an abusive, alcoholic father, a mother who was a compulsive liar. After the divorce, she came onto me sexually. I had no friends, and stayed in my room with the door closed most of the time, totally isolated. I thought things would be different when I grew up. Now, I'm permanently disabled because of an on the job accident, then lost my job because of it. I have no friends, no income, no prospects, no benefits, and no hope. I can't go to my psychiatrist, since I don't have benefits, and there is no low cost counseling available, because of all the government cutbacks. I am seriously contemplating suicide right now, as I don't really see any other way out. Another job is difficult, since I can't stand for any length of time because of my injury. I can't even sit for 8 hours a day, since my hip begins to hurt. It would take months, if not years to file for social security disability, and even until then, I still have no income and no benefits. The other complaints that I have filed will also take months, if not years, to settle. Then I go out, and almost get run over by selfish, arrogant people, go into stores and get ignored and treated rudely by the help, and wonder if this is all there is to life. I hadn't been praying, but lately, I have been praying that I don't wake up in the morning, that God will take me, (or whoever will take me. After what I've been through, hell couldn't be much worse.) I can't cry, because I was abused out of crying because it wasn't "manly". The only light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train. I don't know why I'm posting this, but I don't have any other resources right now.

 

[RJD]

Wow Scott, I hear your devastation. No doubt I would be
overwhelmed too. I'm glad that at least this page is here
for you. Feeling different and soiled is woven into who I
am and it is really difficult to break free of those
feelings in times of stress. In fact I feel totally helpless.
When I feel helpless the full cycle of shame comes over
me and I feel totally inadequate as a man as I feel totally
inadequate as a boy as I feel totally inadequate as ... and
so on. Rude people just reinforce how I have learned to feel badly about myself. When I react in anger at them, I'm really angry at myself for all the self-loathing I do constantly. I have already learned to treat myself the way they treat me and they just reinforce what my abusers taught me. If someone were to insult me ( lets say every 10 minutes of the day/365 days of the year) like I berate myself I would be murderously rageful at them. This is where suicidal thoughts come in for me.

Have you looked up groups, in your local paper, like S.I.A.(Survivors of Incest
Anonymous ?) There is also Adult Children of Alchoholics
out there. These are both 12-STEP groups and they
are free. They are also a way to break the isolation that I would tend to want to fall into in your position.

I hear your pain and my heart goes out to you. I have no doubt that I'm not alone in my reaction to your posting. Hang in there. Let this place continue to be your safety net as you learn to broaden your support system.
---------------- Please be gentle with yourself
---------------- RJD

 

Adult Children of Alcoholics had quit meeting, but I just discovered that they were meeting again, so will go over there on Thursday. I will have to check on Incest Survivors Anonymous, but I am pretty sure there isn't a meeting here. That's one of the bad things here, there are very, very few resources available, especially for men.

 

I can relate to your pain. I have been off work for 9 months because of a brekdown. I broke up with my girlfriend of 12 years. I am presently in the situation of applying for our company disability for hopefully no more than 3 months. I thought of suicide for almost all of the 9 months and am only beginning to see that it is not my only option.

Hang in there and try some group therapy if you can and also press to get what is rightfully yours in terms of financial benifits.

Mike

 

I filed a complaint with the Human Rights Commission today, which will be forwarded to the EEOC for a possible violation of the Americans with Disabilities Act. I also wrote to the ACLU. I did talk to someone in payroll today, and they do owe me for three days of pay, so I will at least get that. However, it seems like no amount of documentation that I give them is ever enough, and I can't seem to get straight answers to my questions from the company. At least I am getting some job interviews with other companies. The only problem is trying to explain why I left my last job. I haven't really come up with a good thing to say yet. I still have periods of severe depression, and severe insomnia. I am going to make the effort to go to an Adult Children of Alcoholics meeting on Thursday night, and that may help. Thanks for the response.

 

[thunderbolt]

the best reply i have found that ends the subject is personal conflict, said with an air of releaf that its passed, as far as life and its whammies fuck that will never end, and back to the pity party, though right now im exchanging blows with the why did it happen and its just not fucking fair, i have been at odds with the wife for a long time now and fel like giving up too, i wounder what keeps us going, you know , whats the fucking jest, whats the prize, wheres the fun, what is the point, fuck it, why finish today what i can start tomorrow with, have fun, or something like that,,,,,

 

[tomjb]

Hello Scott

I don't know if you remember me from another place, but MY Heart just aches for you. I Know the feeling you are experiencesing... the constant degrdation people put you through, how they treat you like you would NEVER EVER consider treating them.

I'm sorry SCott, I'm sorry that we share this. I also know how I treat myself, and it is pretty pitiful.

Scott we ALL share your pain, your hurts. While I can't be there to take your place, I have and am in the same place. Thankfully though I have a number of things going for me. Scott, Please write me... [email protected]. I want to be able to share with you, and for you to know that you are NOT alone. It may feel that way.

I find that when I go into those stores and people treat me like that... I smile at them. I thank them. I am as nice to them as I would be to anyone. It frustrates them enormously. Yeah it sound euphoric to think that it will work all the time... it doesn't. but inside me... it helps me. I get angry, but in changiung that anger.. i fight aifight within, that pleases me.. and you know I could care less what they think. It is me inside that counts. And I have been known to piss people off.. they say why do you take that shit,... why do you always have to look on peoples good sides.. because that is me... I am not an angel by no means.. I wanna punch peoples faces in... but you know when i walk away... from someone who is a complete jerk, and asswipe... and I know in some wahy... i f**ked with HIS head... I feel good, because... most times he don't know it... until he looks like a total idiot.

I went to a bar a few weeks ago. was there 30 minustes... went into the men's room. On the way out this Younger Guy.. maybe 20 22 or so... in college... tells me infront of everyonme there ... YOU ARE F**KIN Ugly.... I felt like total shit. Here I was in a bar, which I rarely go to, and this person I NEVER met tells me that. I left.. I cried... Yeah I did... i drove up the wrong side of the highway I was so f**ked up.

Scott the point is some people Suck. I thought he was cute.... I never said a word to him. and he had to say that.. why in a bar that had at least 300 guys.. and let me tell you about UGLY... there were a lot of them there... Why me... why did he pick ME.... I'll never know.. but i know this.. He won't be 22 all his life, and life is shorter then he thinks... He too will be UGLY one day...

LOVE yourself Scott... That is the Key...
KNow also SCOTT that we are ALL in this togeher and WE DO LOVE YOU... because we all share a common ground no one else cwan ever begin to understand.

Maybe i helped, maybe I didn't.. I hope I did.. and I certainly hope I did not make things worse. I get so lonely at times... but knowingnthere are people who DO care about me.. here on line... gives me strenght.. and SCOTT ...
We do care about you!

[ 06-29-2001: Message edited by: tomjb ]

 

The biggest issue with me is that I have been "losing it" a lot lately. I was abused out of being able to express my emotions. When I get extremely angry, I sort of dissociate, which gives me permission to express that emotion, but then I usually don't have control. I finally went to my psychiatrist this week, and he gave me some medication that is supposed to help. I am going to get unemployment, so that helps. Things are far from settled, but things are marginally better. I quit going to bars. I don't drink, and am very allergic to smoke. When I went up to guys and said "hello", they'd say, "You're not my type". I'm sitting there thinking, "All I did is just say hello!" I am just tired of the rejection and superficiality of the "gay" subculture, as it seems like most guys are just interested in having sex, not making friends.