Bad night.

Bad night.
S

survive75

Registrant
I am so sick of this. I tried to push through my fear and feelings about sex last night, and tried to have sex with my g/f, had a huge trigger, had to stop, and then had a huge fight with my g/f.

I know I shouldn't have tried, but I feel like such a freak sometimes. Especially when she is saying "we never have sex anymore." I start thinking "What the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I just be normal?" and then I try, and everything that I hate about sex becomes extraordinarily apparent to me in the moment, and I get angry, frustrated, scared.

I am so angry and upset (and tired) this morning. I hate myself for not being able to push past this shit and just be "normal." And I am so upset that I will never know what "normal" is because of my stepfather.

I hate this.

-Sean
 
Sean,
I love that you used the word "hate". B/c it really sums up for me how I feel abt. this. hate b/c it is so beyond unfair, hate b/c how devestating its effects are, hate b/c at times there seems no way out. I too hate this.
I don't think that there really are adequate(sp) words to describe where I am at times. When I told my wife abt what happended to me those many yrs ago, I just wanted to get into my car and drive. To where I don't know, why I don't know but I knew I had to be alone. Wound up sitting up all night by myself. Hating everything abt me. The hate and rage and the sheer human anger welling up and at time bursting forth can be frighting to me.
So, long way round for me to say, Sean I hate what you hate. Maybe we can hate what happend to us and use our pain to ensure that it never happens to another.
Peace be with all of us.
printer57
 
I know, Sean. I hate what he did to you, too.

We may not know what "normal" is, but we can move toward something approaching it. And you are, even though you had a bad night of it.

You're a good person given a lot of bad s**t to deal with, Sean. never doubt it.

Peace and love,

Scot
 
Sean I know that I kind of always set myself up to fail by expecting too much too fast. And guess what I failed miserably thus confirming my belief that I was a freak and not capable of being normal. What a merry-go-round that was.

You said:
and then had a huge fight with my g/f.
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Boy can I relate to that. Why is it that we always lash out at the very people who are closest to us.

Sean all I can say is maybe let your GF in on it and just start with the easy stuff that will relax you. Little baby steps at the early stage. You see sucess does breed itself. So take it in little bytes.
 
Sean,

I really feel for you, that is a terrible night. I know I have tried to push myself through sex and it never works for me. First and formost, take care of yourself. Don't force sex, that is replaying what happened - you were forced, this time it is you forcing yourself, a flashback waiting to happen. Only you know your limits and those that are playing on the edge of them need to know them, so they can respect them.

Does your g/f know about any of this? If she doesn't, let her know about it. In general terms, you can fill in more later when you are ready to share with her. That way she can understand your boundaries. Understand that you are not a freak. That you are hurt.

Take care,
Bill
 
Sean,if she doesn't know of the abuse now is a good time to let her know. Like others have said, take it slow, and only give out a little at a time. Hopefully she will understand.

If she does know of the abuse, she may need to be reminded of how some things can trigger you and hopefully she will understand with time.

Either way, try just holding her, if you can.

shawn
 
Sean

i know how you feel, man. i go through similar things with my girlfriend. it makes me feel inadequate, unhuman, as you say...not normal. i wish i knew what normal was :rolleyes: i too have trouble pushing past everything i hate about sex, and believe me there are a lot of things. i don't really have any advice, just wanted to let you know you are definately not alone in this. hang in there

Kip
 
Sean,

I haven't slept with my partner for about 2 years. A while ago I tried again. Thought I'd start slow and one morning got into bed with him to cuddle. His hands went right for my genitals and I had to get out. That alone triggered horrible feelings.

He doesn't really understand. I've tried to explain as much as I can but I suppose that's not very much after all. I dread him asking for more.

I guess eventually we have to end up in couples counseling, that's after I've made a lot of progress on my own. I want us to be able to continue and get better together but right now it doesn't seem like a possible or even altogether desireable idea. Right now, I don't want to be sexual at all.

Brett
 
Sean,if she doesn't know of the abuse now is a good time to let her know.

If she does know of the abuse, she may need to be reminded of how some things can trigger you and hopefully she will understand with time.
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I think this is what is so upsetting is that a few months ago, I braved it and told her about the abuse. We have discussed now on many occasions what I do/don't like about sex, what it does to me, etc. And that is what is hurting so much is that she refuses to accept that. She wants me to push through it.

I don't have any desire for intimacy with her - sexual or otherwise. I am really angry with her for not understanding. For her, sex equals love and if I don't have sex with her, she says I don't love her. This is hurtful to me. I do not equate sex with love... for me, it's about getting off as quickly as possible. That's all it has ever been about for me.

Frustrated. Therapy didn't help much.

-Sean
 
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