Bad memory
Had a real bad memory and had to take a few days to process it... would like to talk about it now.
This could be triggering...
Woke up from a nightmare, couldn't remember the dream but had a very vivid memory, I was around 9, standing at my parents bedroom door and watching Kenny (my uncle/ abuser and my mothers brother) nailing my mom (his sister).
It's just like a snapshot that I see in my head now but when the memory hit me I could smell/taste/hear everything.
I remember the old man yanking me away from the door and tossing me in my room, he made me "assume the position", which was naked and face down on the bed and he whaled the fuck out of me with his belt until I was bloody. I remember him yelling at me, "you nosey little fucker, you'll learn to mind your own goddamn business now boy won't you!"
I remember tasting dryer sheets, because I was biting down on the bed so hard, I was horrified to make any noise what so ever... if I did we started over. That was dads rule, I'd get 20 with the belt counted out, if we got to 3 and I cried out he'd start over at 1. If he got to 19 and I cried out, he'd start over at 1. So I bit down and suffocated myself on the bed sheets.
When I woke up from the dream I swear I had that taste in my mouth and it made me want to throw up.
I always remembered that beating but I never remembered why it happened until now.
I remember being in a pile on the floor, so sad so sad and so guilty thinking I dissapointed my father yet again, after a while I remember Kenny coming in and picking me up, telling me it was ok and I buried my face in his shoulder and cried and cried. He put me in a bath, washed me down, took care of the welts. He put me in bed and curled up with his giant arems around me until I fell asleep.
He didn't do anything sexual to me that night.
Probably because the sick fucking bastard just got through fucking my mother.
I don't know if she was willing or if he raped her, I don't know if it went on for years or if it was just the one time. And my father... what kind of a man lets this happen? To his own wife?
God damn I'm pretty devistated by this new memory.... I could throw up. I don't know what to do with it and I'm not sure if there's more shit that I'll remember. Probably, I remember a lot of the small details, I remember the beatings but I don't exactly remember the things that led up to them.
This sucks ;(
Thanks,
Jay
This could be triggering...
Woke up from a nightmare, couldn't remember the dream but had a very vivid memory, I was around 9, standing at my parents bedroom door and watching Kenny (my uncle/ abuser and my mothers brother) nailing my mom (his sister).
It's just like a snapshot that I see in my head now but when the memory hit me I could smell/taste/hear everything.
I remember the old man yanking me away from the door and tossing me in my room, he made me "assume the position", which was naked and face down on the bed and he whaled the fuck out of me with his belt until I was bloody. I remember him yelling at me, "you nosey little fucker, you'll learn to mind your own goddamn business now boy won't you!"
I remember tasting dryer sheets, because I was biting down on the bed so hard, I was horrified to make any noise what so ever... if I did we started over. That was dads rule, I'd get 20 with the belt counted out, if we got to 3 and I cried out he'd start over at 1. If he got to 19 and I cried out, he'd start over at 1. So I bit down and suffocated myself on the bed sheets.
When I woke up from the dream I swear I had that taste in my mouth and it made me want to throw up.
I always remembered that beating but I never remembered why it happened until now.
I remember being in a pile on the floor, so sad so sad and so guilty thinking I dissapointed my father yet again, after a while I remember Kenny coming in and picking me up, telling me it was ok and I buried my face in his shoulder and cried and cried. He put me in a bath, washed me down, took care of the welts. He put me in bed and curled up with his giant arems around me until I fell asleep.
He didn't do anything sexual to me that night.
Probably because the sick fucking bastard just got through fucking my mother.
I don't know if she was willing or if he raped her, I don't know if it went on for years or if it was just the one time. And my father... what kind of a man lets this happen? To his own wife?
God damn I'm pretty devistated by this new memory.... I could throw up. I don't know what to do with it and I'm not sure if there's more shit that I'll remember. Probably, I remember a lot of the small details, I remember the beatings but I don't exactly remember the things that led up to them.
This sucks ;(
Thanks,
Jay