bad boy won't go away

bad boy won't go away
B

Brayton

Registrant
Hey guys,

Feeling lousy again.

Feeling so down I want to apologize for it.

Seems like just about the only relief is the 50 or so minutes each week I spend with my therapist. The whole week revolves around it.

Otherwise, have a really hard time leaving the house. Want to be alone all the time.

Been feeling sick to my stomach a lot.

A boy sat next to me on the bus this morning. I was thinking how nice it was that he was with his mother and father and brother. Maybe they were on the way to school or something like that. They seemed like a nice quiet family.

Then I got this image of myself at that age and it was totally different. My imagination flew off unbidden in a horrible direction where I was being beat up like I never actually was. Really violent stuff.

Thought of something else but then thoughts of how hopeless it all is, that I'm fooling myself. Recurring questioning of my worthiness in terms of all the time, money and energy that is being spent on my behalf when it seems I take one step forward and ten steps back.

The feeling that some horrible memories are just around the corner, a sort of intuition thing. Spending a lot of energy resisting that.

Feel really isolated, as usual. Trying to figure out how to fix these things. Confused feelings. Blackouts. Being told that I said something when I have no memory of it.

Need to escape but don't know how.

Brett
 
sorry your having a hard time Brett. it sounds like everything is triggering you. i hope you find something good to cling to through this rough stretch. take care my friend

jeff
 
That's the hard part (or the main one right now)--finding something good to cling to.

I can't imagine what that is.

I'm practically shut down.
 
hold on to the people around you, who care about you. me for example. hold on to the future, a future where you can live happily. sometimes we get so focused on the darkness that we miss the light. for me, i love to just take a walk through the woods. even in the dead of winter, nature has a way of making me feel good. watch a movie that feels good, go eat a favorite meal. do things that feel good today. i have to go to see my T, so i wont get a chance to talk more, but i will be thinking of you. hang in there.
 
Brayton this is just a suggestion. I know it sounds silly.

When I was a hustler I had a big teddy bear I called Bud. Now we all have imaginary friends and I just gave him a body. Talked to him and everything. Yeh a tough hustler sleeping with a teddy bear. But he was my demon slayer and nightmare protector. Maybe get one for yourself Brayton.

Another thing you might want to do is to direct the anger instead of inwards but to where it properly belongs. I used to beat the crap out of a pillow and vent my anger at all the people who hurt me. Used to get exhausted. I got a baseball bat one day but that is another story. Try it my brother and then have a nice hot shower ok.

Remember it was never your fault.
 
I chose the tag "Brayton" for two reasons.

First of all, "Brett" was already taken.

Second, it is a family name, the oldest one I can trace back with members that were known by older family members who I was able to talk with when I was a kid.

It goes as far back as a great, great great grandfather, Russel Cole Brayton, who had 10 children and a lot of property. There are still letters around that those adult children wrote to and about one another. Never a more contentious, resentful, angry and jealous bunch have there been.

That's kind of how it feels inside of me at times like these--that there are warring children within me, all begging for attention. Some are angry with violent thoughts, others yearn for healing, all want to be heard.

Good ideas, Jeff and Mike. Just acknowledging my presence which I suppose seems such a small thing means so much and goes so far in dispelling or putting in perspective my feelings of isolation.

These are, it often seems, the hardest to bear and daunting because they seem to increase in both breadth and depth as time passes.

Its awful how easy it is for me now to see intellectually what I am doing. Like never before have I become aware of many of the symptoms of CSA and how they often manifest themselves.

So it is hardly a surprise to me when Jeff and Mike say they care about me and are thinking of me that I rudely discount those kind words and feel something like, "Yes, but if they really knew me they would not say that--they would not like me if they knew the real me and would probably be repulsed by it."

I intellectually know this self-loathing for what it is and yet it persists. I attempt to illuminate the dark with study and intellectual awareness but it grows no lighter. Instead, the dark shows ever more complex patterns of dark thoughts upon even darker thoughts.

If only I could excise the feeling part of my brain and become a Spock-like creature, only perfect and not a fiction.

Brett
 
Brett

So it is hardly a surprise to me when Jeff and Mike say they care about me and are thinking of me that I rudely discount those kind words and feel something like, "Yes, but if they really knew me they would not say that--they would not like me if they knew the real me and would probably be repulsed by it."
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We do know you my brother and we know that what happened to you is the worst thing that could possibly have happened to you. It is the same with us.

We do know you. Like us you are good man healing from the effects of SA so that you can live the life you were meant to. Nothing more Brett except that placing your trust in us is a huge thing to do and we will not let you down.

(((((((((((((((((BRETT)))))))))))))))))))
 
I'm sorry you are having such a rough time, I know how that goes. I know t is hard to find good things to hold onto, but one good thing you need to hold on to is yourself. I know it may seem odd, but if we don't tenaciously hold on to ourselves, we can lose ourselves, as I have done. I have lost myself for so long and am just now finding myself again. All you need to do is listen to yourself, listen to the voice of the real you, and follow that, listen to it all, yet do what the true you wishes to do. You have the strength inside to get through it all, just try to remember that.

I like Mike's idea about a teddy bear, I have a stuffed animal that helps me also, maybe that makes me a wuss, but it is a part of me. You just need to find the true you under all the abuse and bad things that have happened to you, ust have to dig till you find the real you. Good luck, and I wish you well.

scott
 
Mikey,

I know what you say is true. I mean, I believe you and, I suppose, there are a lot of other guys here who feel the same way.

I'm pretty busy here sometimes, posting on various threads, hopefully encouraging other guys on their down days.

I'm not very good at posting replies on those threads which report successes or optimistic world views.

I guess I feel greatest emphathy for those caught in the dark.

placing your trust in us is a huge thing to do and we will not let you down.
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I don't think you'll let me down, Mikey. You've always been there so far. Maybe its the life experience, maybe fewer demands on your time or attention, maybe just your individual brand of compassion, but you've been there so far.

I don't think its fair to say "so far." I try when I get in these places to use words accurately. Things are so distorted, however, I mean really twisted. I'm not just being metaphorical.

A word can mean two things or seem empty and meaningless altogether. And thoughts and feelings the same.

Its a strain to try to seem normal on the outside and feel so knotted up inside, real on the outside and wavering on the inside. Its nice to be some place where I can talk to myself and do empty little things.

I understand that I use "wavering" because I'm too afraid to go any further than that. Maybe it was just a little thing that happened but it terrified me.

I need the bad little boy to go away and not come back I think. I know many of you or some of you anyway encourage me to forgive and love and otherwise connect with that (the "other," the "thing," the "monster," the boy--they're all the same), I think I have some times, but that doesn't seem real right now.

I'll have to settle for hiding him. He wants to hide anyway.

Brett
 
Thanks Scott, too.

It means something to hear from someone emerging from a dark place.
 
Brett
I need the bad little boy to go away and not come back I think. I know many of you or some of you anyway encourage me to forgive and love and otherwise connect with that (the "other," the "thing," the "monster," the boy--they're all the same), I think I have some times, but that doesn't seem real right now.
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If the "bad little boy" is who I think he is - young Brett, then I wouldn't want him "to go away and not come back"
Although I do understand how you can feel like that, because I felt that way about young David.

I despised him because he was a horrible, dirty boy who enjoyed the sex. That's a thought that haunted me for over 30 years, and I know you can imagine how hard I tried to drive the little bastard away.

But he wouldn't go, no matter how I tried he was always dragging along behind me, like a ball and chain.
In the end I had to cut the chain, take him by the hand and let him walk alonside me, where he rightfully belongs.

We talk now, I've given up trying to push him away and ignore his cries for help. I listen to what I have to say as an 11yo boy. I listen to myself as recall how powerless I was at 11.

It's very easy to try and think back to ourselves as kids and do so with the adult frameworks we have now.
Kid's don't think in the same way as adults, they don't know as much as we do because they haven't had a chance to learn it yet.
Don't process the "why" question as an adult, think about "why" as a young boy would.
We know now what went on and why ( to a large degree anyway ) but did young Brett ? could he have known ? and even if he did think sometimes that "maybe somethings not quite right here" - what could he possibly have done ?

The boy you saw on the bus, think hard about what he was like, did you overhear some of his chatter with his parents maybe ? young children don't think like we do, so try not to project your adult reasoning onto young Brett.
When he catches you up, and you reach out to him, he'll tell you exactly what went on. And then you'll know a big part of the "why" answer.

Dave
 
Brett,

Sorry about the tough going.

I'd rather be the woss I am than to be without my stuffed rabbit. It is a good aid. My bunny has big ears to listen to me. It's soft for a hug. It is wonderful. Some nights I have to go without it, my son will use it when his "Bo" was left at his mother's.

A vision of what you view as the perfect family. That can be quite triggering to us that didn't have that. Bummer it had to happen to you. Low self esteem and the perp's blame and shame all rolled into one bundle and dropped on the little boy Brett. Seeing him as the perps wanted to, all beat up and as a bad boy. Bull puckey.

Little boy Brett was just that a little boy. He had bad things happen to him, that doesn't make him bad in the least. Release that vision of the little bad boy and see little Brett for what he really was: a little scared needy boy. Nothing bad there. Look at the perps: Intimidating, controling, preverted sickos. There is the bad; bad, bad, sicko perps.

Looks/sounds like you are overloading. Relax and take the time to take some slow deep breaths. Always remember to breathe. Stop and do something for yourself and little Brett. There should be some snow around - make a snow angel, go sledding, or skate around the pond. Anything the two of you will enjoy.

Take care,
Bill
 
Brett,

Sorry about the tough going.

I'd rather be the woss I am than to be without my stuffed rabbit. It is a good aid. My bunny has big ears to listen to me. It's soft for a hug. It is wonderful. Some nights I have to go without it, my son will use it when his "Bo" was left at his mother's.

A vision of what you view as the perfect family. That can be quite triggering to us that didn't have that. Bummer it had to happen to you. Low self esteem and the perp's blame and shame all rolled into one bundle and dropped on the little boy Brett. Seeing him as the perps wanted to, all beat up and as a bad boy. Bull puckey.

Little boy Brett was just that a little boy. He had bad things happen to him, that doesn't make him bad in the least. Release that vision of the little bad boy and see little Brett for what he really was: a little scared needy boy. Nothing bad there. Look at the perps: Intimidating, controling, preverted sickos. There is the bad; bad, bad, sicko perps.

Looks/sounds like you are overloading. Relax and take the time to take some slow deep breaths. Always remember to breathe. Stop and do something for yourself and little Brett. There should be some snow around - make a snow angel, go sledding, or skate around the pond. Anything the two of you will enjoy.

Take care,
Bill
 
Hey Brett... as always, our experiences are too similar for words. And, as always, I have to chalk it up to our age when this happened.

I have been doing regression therapy for a few years now with my therapist. It first started out to deal with wanting to stop my controlling behaviors, and as we delved into it, she started to bring in all of the inner children.

I have that same "bad child/monster" part that you talk of. And NOTHING will convince me to keep him/integrate him. So I know the frustration my friend.

I also know the fear of knowing that new memories are just around the corner. I know the frustration of putting puzzle pieces into place and knowing and/or hoping they are imagination and not reality.

We were very young Brett. Our memory areas in our brain were not fully formed yet. Our ideas of relating to the world were still wide-eyed and confused. And I think that dealing with inner children that went into hiding that young is difficult because it is ingrained and unquestioning. Of course we would hide. There was nothing else we could do.

God dammit - I hate when I give others advice that I need to hear myself. Makes me have to believe my therapist when she says this stuff to me. :)

Brett - you know I'm here for you. And I know you are here for me. This is a stupid, confusing, frustrating, painful, goddamn struggle. But finally we both don't have to go it alone.

PM me if you need to.

-Sean
 
Thanks, guys...once again you all pull through for me.

Its true that the first stuff happened at a very young age and I understand (intellectually but not necessarily on a feeling level) that I saw things through different eyes then.

I'm having a real hard time connecting with that kid. It wasn't just that the perps treated him like a bad little boy or that, in a way, he enjoyed it, but also he was told he was a bad little boy about all sorts of things...couldn't do anything right...lots of blaming, judging, etc.

And then there's the shame of still liking what happened even though I know that is wrong and bad to in another way. I have all these years been obsessed with it, repeating it and similar senarios over and over and over again in my fantasies.

I catch myself watching guys, looking for the ones that strike a familiar cord...fascinated...wanting to get inside their heads and understand what they're all about. Its not like its about sex really but more about getting inside them, penetrating that surface.

In a way I am sexless, no orientation, nothing real that way...just obsession...quiet, controlled, unyielding.

I suppose part of me would really like it if they paid me some attention...that's what I was expecting and got in a perverted way way back when. Part of me wants to be treated in the same way but that equally repulses me...so everything in terms of relationships of all kinds remainsat a stand still...a perfect balance between craving and fear.
 
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