Bad Advice From A Friend

[zookeeper]

A friend sent me a text message earlier today asking what was wrong. They had bumped into me at Church and thought I didn't seem myself. Seeing that this was an old and (I thought) trusted friend, I disclosed that I was dealing with PTSD as result of Childhood Sexual Abuse. In response they said, and I quote "Oh thank goodness. I thought somebody died or something bad had happened."

I regrouped and tried to explain what this was like but it was hopeless. I was told that I just "need to chose to get over it and stop feeling that way."

I spent sometime yesterday and today considering their statement. It occurs to me, that this process of loss and grief IS rather like losing a loved one- a friend, a family member. And it seems to me, that it is ME that has been taken. Not my body that is now, but the boy that once was. I lost him and all that he could have been.

And so I better understand my feelings about the reaction of people who tell me "Oh, you shouldn't feel that way." It's rather like the well meaning Job's comforter, standing by me at my mother's casket and telling me "Now, now big boys don't cry."
It was much less about me and much more about her discomfort in dealing with my messy emotions.(BTW I am a very ugly crier)

But this is my loss and these are MY emotions and I will feel about any way in hell I want to. How can somebody else tell me HOW I'm supposed to feel?

I'm mad. I'm hurt. Not just hurt and mad, I'm furious. HE took my life from me. The moment he violated me I aged a lifetime. In my very center I died and every time that followed just buried me that much further. The boy who should have been playing soldiers and chasing fireflies was now carrying a far too large burden for an adult let alone his frail little body. Is it any wonder he bled?

So you, you who tell me to forgive and forget. You the one who says "Just get over it". Even the apparently Saint like soul that tries to hush my sobs, to you I have a message. I'm sorry if my grief bothers you and I'm sorry for the language but either support me or shut the f--- up.

My loss, my grief, my rules.

 

[WG]

Good for you. Absolutely - support me or get out. We need to feel empowered - and standing up for ourselves is certainly one of the best ways to do that. You have every right to be mad - furious - hurt- angry-so hurt you can't speak. Yes. our perpetrator too something from us. Our innocence. The sweet young boy who should have been playing soldier or fireman. Now he's lost in how he's feeling - which is so far from how he should be feeling as a boy he just shuts down. With all that was done to us, they want us to just get over it. To which I would retort ; why don't you just stop breathing? I'd love to punch someone in the throat sometimes !
So true - my loss. my grief, my rules. Amen, brother !

 

[Bryan7601]

Zoo - glad you stood up for yourself. I spent so much of my life minimizing / denying the impact of my abuse, took a long lo g time to face it honestly. Having someone tell me to get over it would really set me off. - bryan

 

[Dissociated1]

I understand your hurt and anger and would like to share something I learned from being in similar situations. People tend to be less understanding of things they cannot see or relate too. I discovered this when I started having back problems. Everybody at work used to say it was an excuse to take the day off. When I wore my arm in a sling the reaction was very different. I stopped short of being labeled as a complainer but I slowly realized if I wanted someone to feel my pain, I need to convey it to him in a way he could understand.

The same is true for psychological illness. People's reaction is heavily based on how I tell them. If I say "I have PTSD as result of Childhood Sexual Abuse," most people just can't relate to the pain and suffering unless they suffered similar abuse. They can't see it, and assume since I am going about life and not in the mental hospital, it must not be so bad. Their reaction is very different if I tell them "My head is fucked up because I was raped when I was a kid." The same message but the graphic and violent language conjures a better sense of what I am going through that never fails to stir compassion.

 

[zookeeper]

Thanks guys. This week I had a bit of a meltdown following this. A great big old public panic attack. Im calling to get an appointment with a new T. Wish me luck and thanks!

 

[winter-rain]

heya ZK
whats up, winter -rain here
I am not trying to preach, but you taught me alot here on this thread, that my very life was really almost taken away from me, that the abuse tore me into adulthood,and steeped me into adulthood
I left a form for my psychiatrist to fill out to get a real trauma and addiction therapist, because i cant afford one on my own, nor does my family want to help. I need real help thinking and feeling, very basic necessities of being human. I have not spoken to my family but realized today mom made me feel responsibility for her crappy life. I tore through some good reading this week, and did my thing. Its been two weeks since i gave my psych that form and he still hasn't signed it. I need real help, sometimes i feel my abuser, one of my abusers , the guy that molested me is still inside of me, even though he died of aids a few years ago, I don't know, as I write this i am trying to imagine my life it all didn't happen, but it did, over and over again with different people, I am so stuck in dissociation I might even be a danger to myself. I am so hurt I cant put it in words, so I am borrowing yours, and others whom write here. Anyways, your writing is powerful to me, thank you, I just want to get a job or training and move on with my life
thanks, w-r

 

[C. E.]

In my experience, Zookeeper, those who imply how we should feel just don't have a clue. Shortly after the suicide of my best friend, a neighbor-friend told me - and I quote - "Oh, get OVER it already. It's been a month!" I didn't know how to react, so I didn't (so typically me - the little mouse). When I looked deeper at it, I realized he still had his parents, he didn't have many close friends, and I doubt he ever experienced any real loss - at least of anyone that he loved more than himself.

These people are not bad or evil - they just don't have a clue. Don't get angry - just look at them, smile a wry little smile, shake your head and - as they say down south - just say, "Bless his heart." That's code for "You just don't have a clue, do you?" They are not worth venting our anger at.

Suicide grief is about as lonely as CSA survivor grief - in both cases we mourn something we really can't expect anyone who has not experienced similar loss to understand.

 

[scottyg]

...{comment deleted for site rule violations}...

 

[WG]

scottyg - I never cuss, or should I say rarely. When I do, people listen. They turn and look if they hear me say 'damn' or 'hell'. One day I will say exactly what you said. I'd love to see their faces.

 

[zookeeper]

Thanks Chase Eric. I agree......clueless.