Backsliding? Acting out?

[KevinGKG]

I hope everyone is going to have a peaceful holiday period. I know this is a tough time of year for many people though. I recently went for my annual visit to see my mother. As she is getting older I check in with her (in person) about once a year. She is having some physical health problems on top of her mental health issues. My visits are usually short and perfunctory. I spent a little longer with her and we were able to talk without her partner in the room. Without going into detail I sought to see how much she remembers about how things were for our family when I was growing up -but without being confrontational. That has never worked. She remembers more than I thought. Though I am not in sexually aroused or attracted to her at all now - quite the opposite. I found our discussion disturbingly arousing. I thought about it a lot on my drive to the airport and my flight home. When I got home I immediately reached out to an older couple I know. An older couple I consider friends and sexual partners. I couldn't get the thoughts out of my head. When I met this couple and we spent time together- the memories were there, almost intruding. This couple knows some things about my CSA experience but not everything. They do find my interest exciting and encourage it. I wonder if I screwed up and dug up some things I should have left behind me. I didn't feel a lot of guilt when I was with the couple, but now, weeks later I feel more reflective about it.