Back Trauma Memories

TRIGER WARNINGS... I had some Muscle Memory release this morning in the shower...

A bit of back story (no pun intended)... I was texting with the leader of my Porn Addiction/Sexual Brokenness on-line Support Group on Monday night as a check in. Afterwards, I felt horrible triggered, new PTSD Flashbacks happened, but no where as severe as the ones I had over a year ago. They were more of the internal feelings I felt while being Trafficked. In between the 1st and 2nd flashbacks I was able to text the leader. after the 2nd I texted again, we got on the phone and talked, then I had a 3rd in the middle of the phone call. Then it hi... Little Kal found his voice and actually SPOKE for the first time to another person. LK talked about how horrible the abuse was and how thankful LK was for this Support Group. (We have experienced a ton of healing from them since joining in Fall of 2020). I was able to sleep through the night without issue, but had a 4th similar flashback in the shower the next morning.

I ended up taking that Tuesday off of work. I met with my Therapist on Tuesday afternoon. Little Kal spoke with him, too. We processed memories: I remember feeling a severe muscle tightness all over, but especially in the armpits. We then realized that I was being held by a perp from behind, grabbing me to hold me steady. We processed that memory and then released it.

Fast Forward to this morning, while in the shower, I used the hand-held shower head to wash off my back, and a strange sensation happened. It was like tons of back-trauma was being released. I realized that while being held by my arm pits, the perp rested his thumbs on my shoulder blades - the far tips of the shoulder blades - the exact same point where i usually hold stress from work and have had tons of massage therapy in those spots (more right than left, but both sides are affected). I also have had a huge problem with an itchy back in the last 2 years. My wife has checked it out and there is no rash, no dry skin, but the itch remained. I am now realizing it was my body telling me of the story of this back trauma.

I could feel the release of those Muscle Memories in the shower.

Thanks for letting me share.
 

MO-Survivor

Greeter
Staff member
TRIGER WARNINGS... I had some Muscle Memory release this morning in the shower...

A bit of back story (no pun intended)... I was texting with the leader of my Porn Addiction/Sexual Brokenness on-line Support Group on Monday night as a check in. Afterwards, I felt horrible triggered, new PTSD Flashbacks happened, but no where as severe as the ones I had over a year ago. They were more of the internal feelings I felt while being Trafficked. In between the 1st and 2nd flashbacks I was able to text the leader. after the 2nd I texted again, we got on the phone and talked, then I had a 3rd in the middle of the phone call. Then it hi... Little Kal found his voice and actually SPOKE for the first time to another person. LK talked about how horrible the abuse was and how thankful LK was for this Support Group. (We have experienced a ton of healing from them since joining in Fall of 2020). I was able to sleep through the night without issue, but had a 4th similar flashback in the shower the next morning.

I ended up taking that Tuesday off of work. I met with my Therapist on Tuesday afternoon. Little Kal spoke with him, too. We processed memories: I remember feeling a severe muscle tightness all over, but especially in the armpits. We then realized that I was being held by a perp from behind, grabbing me to hold me steady. We processed that memory and then released it.

Fast Forward to this morning, while in the shower, I used the hand-held shower head to wash off my back, and a strange sensation happened. It was like tons of back-trauma was being released. I realized that while being held by my arm pits, the perp rested his thumbs on my shoulder blades - the far tips of the shoulder blades - the exact same point where i usually hold stress from work and have had tons of massage therapy in those spots (more right than left, but both sides are affected). I also have had a huge problem with an itchy back in the last 2 years. My wife has checked it out and there is no rash, no dry skin, but the itch remained. I am now realizing it was my body telling me of the story of this back trauma.

I could feel the release of those Muscle Memories in the shower.

Thanks for letting me share.
Thank you for sharing! :)
 
My back has been bothering me on and off all day today, but unlike in the past, all that it does is force me to remember.
 
Dear NC Survivor, (Kal)

The muscle memory often generates trauma memories. Mine is more my face (oral rape). My back only bothers me when I do not know where the contact is coming from. I can only identify with your experience. When I feel that pressure on my face usually my cheek and sometimes on my mouth (like kissing or french kissing with my girl friend.) I have not only csa memories but other traumas (dog bite, rifle butt, bleeding from punch in head) iT IS BETTER THESE DAYS I no longer have a girlfriend

so I have little triggers about my face. I still have startle reactions, But it has been 55 years ago. Given your experience with DID expressing Little Kal is a positive part of healing. So though the memory triggers are a violent feeling, it makes a release of some of the trauma, I have learned to see this as a gift from God, not that I would volunteer for this gift, but God doesn't do it my way.
May God be with you an the journey.
Though it was probably a gift to me thank you even though you had to go through your memories.
 

CarbonTiger

Registrant
You are so brave and so strong. Thank you for sharing, and most importantly, you are loved & I love you.

 
Mine is more my face (oral rape).
I have face sensitivities, too - especially hair on my face and water up my nose - both give severe triggering responses.
 
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