Back to Egypt - Triggers
When Moses led the Israelites into the desert some of them despaired and begged to be taken back to slavery in Egypt. They were in unfamiliar territory, scared, hungry and fearful about the future. Some of them preferred the bondage of the familiar rather than freedom of the unknown.
This weekend I listened to a Podcast titled "If i was raped as a child does that mean I wasn't a virgin when I got married?". I thought the presenter was compassionate and thoughtful in the podcast. I confess that it triggered me though.
I have been devout about my faith since I began to believe as a teenager. I definitely fall into the "right wing conservative Christian" camp (as in - just to the right of Atilla the Hun) - including the obligation to be obsessed with sexual purity. While I believe that the call to sexual purity is for our benefit, I have for most of my life been judgmental and self-righteous in how I think about it. So I was happy to arrive on my wedding day "a virgin". It is only recently I understand how destructive my thinking was. Aside from my CSA, I used porn extensively prior to my marriage. So there was absolutely no room for me to think I was pure on my wedding night nor look down on anyone for the choices they made (though it certainly didn't stop me from doing it).
Though CSA didn't rob me of my virginity (whatever the heck that even means) it did create sexual brokenness I brought into my marriage. To be blunt, when I was 8 I had sex with a guy. Sure I was a victim in the assault but none the less I had sexual experiences I wasn't intended to have. I brought the damage from that experience into my marriage and my wife has suffered because of it.
So when I listened to the podcast it caused me to despair at my hypocrisy all of these years as I looked down on others while feeling self-righteous. It caused me to grieve that I was not a "virgin" when I got married. I got down enough that I fantasized about people hurting me. I haven't had those fantasies in months. I told my T today that fantasizing about being hurt felt like going back to Egypt.
He was, not surprisingly, quite compassionate. He mentioned that when I starting seeing him I was "living in Egypt". He said I was in slavery to those fantasies of violence which I couldn't control. Gradually, he said, I started to take "day trips out of Egypt" as I began to try new ways of thinking and acting. He said that I am in a much better place today. He said it was better to be taking a day trip back to Egypt than to be stuck there trying to get out.
It made me think of our conversation a few weeks ago when he said that it is important to measure sobriety one day at a time. One violent fantasy which took me back to a place I don't want to be doesn't mean I need to despair. I can start over again without losing all of my progress.
This weekend I listened to a Podcast titled "If i was raped as a child does that mean I wasn't a virgin when I got married?". I thought the presenter was compassionate and thoughtful in the podcast. I confess that it triggered me though.
I have been devout about my faith since I began to believe as a teenager. I definitely fall into the "right wing conservative Christian" camp (as in - just to the right of Atilla the Hun) - including the obligation to be obsessed with sexual purity. While I believe that the call to sexual purity is for our benefit, I have for most of my life been judgmental and self-righteous in how I think about it. So I was happy to arrive on my wedding day "a virgin". It is only recently I understand how destructive my thinking was. Aside from my CSA, I used porn extensively prior to my marriage. So there was absolutely no room for me to think I was pure on my wedding night nor look down on anyone for the choices they made (though it certainly didn't stop me from doing it).
Though CSA didn't rob me of my virginity (whatever the heck that even means) it did create sexual brokenness I brought into my marriage. To be blunt, when I was 8 I had sex with a guy. Sure I was a victim in the assault but none the less I had sexual experiences I wasn't intended to have. I brought the damage from that experience into my marriage and my wife has suffered because of it.
So when I listened to the podcast it caused me to despair at my hypocrisy all of these years as I looked down on others while feeling self-righteous. It caused me to grieve that I was not a "virgin" when I got married. I got down enough that I fantasized about people hurting me. I haven't had those fantasies in months. I told my T today that fantasizing about being hurt felt like going back to Egypt.
He was, not surprisingly, quite compassionate. He mentioned that when I starting seeing him I was "living in Egypt". He said I was in slavery to those fantasies of violence which I couldn't control. Gradually, he said, I started to take "day trips out of Egypt" as I began to try new ways of thinking and acting. He said that I am in a much better place today. He said it was better to be taking a day trip back to Egypt than to be stuck there trying to get out.
It made me think of our conversation a few weeks ago when he said that it is important to measure sobriety one day at a time. One violent fantasy which took me back to a place I don't want to be doesn't mean I need to despair. I can start over again without losing all of my progress.
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