Back on the bandwagon

Back on the bandwagon
H

heart

Registrant
Yesterday I started therapy for SA again after a break of a year and a half.
I am seeing a new therapist as the one I used to see has retired. I have a good feeling about her, I have bad feelings about therapists in the past and I just left.

I disclosed some of my abuse and it always makes me feel "weird" for a day or two afterwards. By weird I mean a mixture of sadness, loss, mourning, fear and God knows what else. I still tend to wonder somwhere in my mind if I have done the right thing by disclosing. I know it is the right thing to do, I just feel f***ing angry and hurt that to get better I have to talk about this shit.

What is apparent with yesterday's session is that I am still riddled with shame and this is a stumbling block in my life. I know I am still holding back some shame which is not mine, it belongs to all the f***ers who abused me and I am going to throw it back to their f***ing faces. (oops, I am angry!!!)

I don't think I am depressed but I am certainly experiencing some depression, low energy, low mood, which is fine, I just go with the flow, I know this is "normal" and will pass.

I tend to feel lonely in my heart when I deal with SA in depth, I am not lonely in my daily life I have a strong circle of friends and an
active social life. It's up to me whether I deal with that shit or not, the best therarpist in the world can't take it away for me.

I have made huge progress in the past and I am sure this time round I will move on some more.

Heart
 
Heart,

let's face it. we shouldn't have to face it, but we do. We have to face it. It is there all our lives.

What else? You will find a lot of hurt in here, dip out if you need to. It is someways beneficial to share problems, sometimes not, as you feel best.

Don't be hurt by problems, as you have yourself to look after, you are always the number one in the healing process, you can't touch other peoples' problems.

If we can share the burden, so much of the burden is diminished by identifying our own thing. Sometimes, knowing someone who has been there can be an escape from thinking, "Am I the only one"?

ste
 
Hey Heart,
Good for you for getting back to therapy. I know exactly what you mean. Every time I have to retell my story I get kind of a hangover from making sure that it's clear, that I made them understand it and, of course, worrying about what they would think. My therapist once told me of a case of a survivor who's doctor told her to tell the story of her abuse to at least one new person every day for an entire year. Just the thought of it made my stomach knot up -- which was the point. To show me how I still need to get comfortable with the facts of my life.

Anyway, congrats again on working on this crap.

Take care
Dan
 
Heart I think the important thing to remember is that you are not alone facing this anymore. You have found MaleSurvivor and the guys who are here. By no means is it a place to replace therapy but it is somewhere that you can talk to others about common shit that might be difficult talking with your friends about. Take care and good luck with your T.
 
Heart,

I am glad that you are further working on healing. I think depression, or depression symptoms, it is something that will come up at times throughout life. There will be periods of it, due to the intensity of what we have dealt with, and the severity of the losses. But, I think we can become more forward thinking, more focusing on the 'now' and the future, for ourselves and our lives, and that is help in dealing with the past. I wish you continued good luck.

leosha
 
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