Back in the cave

[yesac76]

I have had a rough couple of days. I was in a session with my T, and we were doing an exercise where I pretended my abuser was sitting in a chair, and I could say anything I wanted to him. It was going well, I was getting things slowly off my chest, until I could actually see him sitting there. I had to stop, as I was about ten seconds away from a panic attack. T stopped the exercise and helped calm me down.

I analyzed the situation as I drove to work. I realized just imagining seeing Rick puts me back into the scared little kid I was when he abused me. I imagined he took all my power and strength away. I did not realize I was scared of him, as last time I was him I was not frightened, just sick to my stomach.

After all my hard work to take my life back, this feels like a huge step backward. I cried last night over it.

I had a terrible day at work, I got so frustrated my anger began to creep up on me. I do not know what I would do if my anger gets loose when I am at work. I am scared I would so or say something to really hurt one of my coworkers, most of whom I consider friends. I feel like I am losing my grip on the control I hold over my emotions.

I am not afraid of crying, as I am crying right now. But, this whole thing has my head reeling. I am beginning to doubt that this is worth all the hurt and effort, if I can be pushed back so easily. Urg, this sucks!

 

[parttimecop]

The sharpest blade comes from the hottest forge. I don't see it as a step backwards. I see it as an emotion you need to experience at this time. Perhaps it is something when you work it out you will come out much farther ahead. Sometimes you have to go through the fire to come out better steel than you were before.

Healing is not exactly a destination with a fixed end point and a finite counted number of steps. It is a process of ebb and flow. Don't worry about being on a set schedule or having to be in a certain state of mind at a certain point. Just be and feel.

One thing that might help with the anger is exercise of some sort. Running, lifting weights, whatever your bag is.

 

[Brayton]

When, a couple of years ago, I finally got into a therapy program that specifically focuses on abuse recovery, I assumed that I would make quick progress and soon be 'cured.'

Instead, I spent months pretty much doing nothing other than visualizing the child that I was and how he felt. I cried in almost every session it was so hard to see him and feel his pain all over again.

I had stuffed it down for so many years I had forgotten how terrible the feelings were. I turned that anger towards myself or others in unknowing ways.

It was difficult living with myself and I often comtemplated suicide. The people who cared about me could not understand what was happening to me, why I blew up at them over and over again, and I could not explain it to them.

Instead of feeling that I was making progress, it seemed like I felt as bad or worse than I had for years. That went on for months and months.

I was struggling with terrible anger that I felt around other people, including at work. I felt like doing something violent numerous times. Sometimes, I just yelled. Sometimes, I cried. (Fortunately, I have an understanding and caring supervisor. Several of the times I cried I did so in her presence in her office.)

I liked that therapist. He was extraordinarily compassionate and a very good listener (and I have had many therapists over the years to compare him to). I was impressed by the copious notes he took without ever losing focus on what I was saying and feeling.

He eventually left the program (which, by that time, I was glad of because it seemed that I was treading water, getting nowhere) and referred me to another therapist in the program.

After I had establised trust with her (which, amazingly only took serveral sessions), I began to see all that discouraging work I had done during which I thought no progress at all was being made, had to be done in order to get ahead with my recovery.

Now I see the progress I made but for a long time I thought I was getting nowhere or getting worse. It felt like 'backsliding' but, after all, was not.