back in 1979.....

back in 1979.....
T

Texas_Mike

Registrant
Back in 1979....I was sexually assaulted.
orally. This guy I knew was going down on me.

I was unconscious from a Mickey/ drug placed in my drink. Sick, I was spitting vomit and passed out. I have never been so ill from a drink to this day. I regained consciousness -my pants were down- scared out of my mind. And I said , "what the ________."

He stopped when I was regaining consciousness; and backed away. I wasn't sure where I was or sure I could even defend myself much less.
It could have been worse for me. My nightmare ever since.
You know manhood, that sort of thing. Helplessness , depression, mood swings....I have good days and plenty of bad ones, because of this event.

Back than I don't think assaults were reported....I wish I could do it now. But I was also in the USAF at Offutt AFB and going through the Omaha P.D. testing at the time.

I still blame myself for that event. And I that is irrational. How was I to know that was going to happen over a few drinks.
I'm still trying to heal. Any suggestions or advice?
 
Oh, you'll find lots of advice here. You came to the right place. First of all, start telling yourself it was in no way your fault. How could it possibly have been? You were passed out. I don't believe anyone would see that as giving consent. The more you tell yourself it's not your fault, the easier it will get to know it's true. It was not your fault!! Keep coming here, read and post. The more you learn about the subject and its aftermath, the more you will understand yourself, the way you feel and the way you react and behave. I'm sure others will have more to add. In the meantime, welcome, glad you found us. I wish you peace in your soul.
 
Mike I am glad that you found us but sorry for what has brought you here.

We all feel the same about Assault believe me. The thing to remember is that it was never your fault not ever. It was his and his alone. He drugged you and took advantage of you plain and simple and left you feeling guilty and screwed up about your sexuality. Well we could be brothers.

As sinking says you will find lots of help here. No judgement or offence just the kind of support a true brother gives to another. There are plenty of broad shoulders to lean or cry on and now you have added your shoulders.

Post listen associate with the emotions and join us as we move from being merely survivors to actually living life as we were meant to.

Once again welcome
 
Mike,

First and foremost you need to know, deep inside, that it was not your fault and that you are not alone. The gamet of emotions and emotional effects are many.

Read some of the very helpful articles on the home page and the posts on the board, I think you will learn something of yourself, I know I did. When your comfortable, post any concerns, questions, stories, rants, etc, that you want to get out of you. We'll listen and reply with a varity of perspectives.

Welcome to MaleSurvivor. This place is a blessing for us SA survivors and sorry that you had reason to find us and glad that you did.

Take care,
Bill
 
Hi Mike,

Thanks for serving our nation in the USAF. I visted Offut on a DOD tour in the 70's.

You were a victim of a man who wanted to have sex with you and knew he could not get it without getting you unconscious. There is no way you can avoid what a person does to you when you are not fully conscious and in at least some control.

It has nothing to do with manhood. You are in no way diminished by some guy's lust for you, and the actions that followed. He may not have done that if he had not been looped either.

If this continues to bug you, well, this is the place to talk about it.

Again, thanks for serving, and for trusting us here with your concerns.

Bob
 
THE DEAN,


He wasn't intoxicated. He was an asshole, period.

I'm working on getting that positive winning formula back.

I didn't like being taken advantage of, I'm sure nobody does.

I regret not filing charges or stomping on his ass.

Self blame is a killer...it will handcuff you. It will whack your emotions.

Time to kick the chit in the bucket. That's why I'm here.

Thank you, Dean for your comments- they help.
It's good to be here under the cicumstances.


Passion, excitement, and confidence are the important medicines that you need every day.

Texas Mike
 
Mike,

That happened to me when I was eleven or twelve. It doesn't make any difference what the age is though. It wasn't your fault and at the time you thought you couldn't tell anyone. That was the truth for you at the time. The shame and guilt that we put ourselves though is enormous. The shame and guilt are not ours, it belongs to the perpetrators. It's hard to accept that in some situations we were helpless. Men/boys are taught to think that we're responsible for everything that happens to us, that we're always supposed to be in control. It's not the truth, it's not the way it is.

This is a good place to talk about these issues. I've found that talking about it in this forum gets it out in the open so it's no longer a secret.

Take good care of yourself,

Steve
 
Hey, Tex:

This is the right place to be when disposing of chits, definitely!

Thanks for serving your USAF time. I was a Navy corpsman with the USMC, myself, but my Dad was a Zoomie.

My abuse experience was nothing like yours, but you are so right-on-the-button about "feeling handcuffed." I have felt that a lot in the wake of the abuse... and recently. This site helps. It costs me some sleep, but it helps!

Tex, I wish you much happiness, good healing, and the best of luck with everything. You're a welcome addition to this site!

Regards,

Kurt

P.S. Y'all be nice to the Patriots down there for the Super Bowl, will you?
 
Mike,

There's no way you could've anticipated what happened. It wasn't your business to anticipate. You trusted the guy. He violated that trust. Trust is a basic value we should hold in common. Perps are devoid of it, I guess.

One of the biggest challenges we have is to regain trust in others that they will treat us with decency and trust in ourselves that we do in fact know who we are and nothing anyone else says or does changes that.

I have drifted in a sort of void of sexual identity since the abuse when I was very young. I've called myself gay because that's the path of least resistance for me in the world but really I have always been more or less asexual, always doubting my manhood, masculinity even to the point of my mind-body rebelling against me and refusing to let me express the intimacy that most men take for granted.

I can't imagine ever forgiving my perps even though all of it happened long ago. It could be yesterday to judge from the rage I feel against them almost every day.

Being here has been the greatest help I have ever found. There is much strength here to draw on as we struggle with our hurts and doubts.

Brett
 
I strongly feel this way...if you think you have been sexually assaulted or violated in any way.....report it and get professional help.

I think this will heighten the road to a spiritual and physical recovery.

People do not want to be violated, period.

Best,

Mike
 
Mike - you may have been older than many of us here were when you were abused but that makes little difference to what you are entitled to feel about the situation.

It's the same difference:

You trusted - you were drugged and then abused.
I trusted - and was drugged with bullshit and then abused.

That might be an oversimplified way of putting it, but in reality you had as little control over the situation as any of us here.

Forgive yourself - the sooner the better!

Best wishes ...Rik
 
Rick,

Thank you for your comments.

-Time to forgive -yourself . Get out of jail.

-Start liking yourself better; stop beating yourself up. Went you are assaulted -----it is never your fault.

-Would you kick a friend everyday? I think not.

So why do we slam ourselves? Well for me its easy.. my self destructing perfectionist personality. I'm working on that-my emotions have been out of tune.

Back in '79 I don't think assaults were reported much...at least the shrinks, attorneys , my priest, and a cop friend didn't suggest to do so ; No evidence, period. his word against mine. Also my job in the USAF and taking police exams. Things were different than they are today. And that is good ...but at least I should send him to his dentist and filed a police report. If I still could I would. The statues have ran out in Nebraska. Maybe. Just maybe I wouldn't have been so fucken hard on myself. I'm trying to like myself again.

Nobody enjoys being taken advantage of-period.

After 50+ years I'm still putting the pieces together...some days it works. We keep working out and running. Mud on the track.
Its going to be a good day...going to put this shit behind....

One day at a time.


Best,

Mike


"Passion, excitement and confidence are the important medicines that you need every day"
 
Mike,

Your points are right on. Rememeber them and believe them, those are the truths.

It will be a great day when this is worked through. As each piece is address, understood, and put in proper prespective, the days will get better.

Take care,
Bill
 
My Friends,

One of the things I have learned, when it comes to forgiving yourself, is that it is very important to be sure that you are the one who needs to be forgiven.

It's far too easy to blame ourselves for bad decisions when they weren't bad at all or for being somewhere that we had no idea or reasonable expectation could become dangerous.

Probably the worst is when we project backwards and blame our younger selves for acting and reacting like children. We think, "I should have known better. I shouldn't have believed that. I should have told someone."

Classic 20/20 hindsight, but even more pointless than usual, if we're looking back to when we were children.

We did not know or understand things as we do now.

For those harmed when they were adults, well, it's like being in an car accident. You can be the most defensive driver in the whole state, but for some things, there simply is no defense, no expectation.

Donald
 
I'm sorry, I can not respond to you appropriately. I am sorry it happened to you, and I hope that you are able to heal from it soon, and that this site and the people here will help you. I wish you luck.

leosha
 
I also was given alcohol, I wanted that. He drugged the drink. I didn't want that.

I was awake during the assault, but couldn't do anything about it. I didn't want that.

I acted like it never happened. I didn't want that.

I waited years to put him in Jail. He is there now. I WANTED THAT.

I long to be "normal". I want that.

I hope that my post helps you. I want that.
 
It does.

I hope that ass-hole stays in prison for a long time.

And I hope that you are free in spirit and motivation.


Thank you.

Best,

Mike


you can create a momentum that will allow you to be and do what you truly value and care about.
 
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