Back from hell.

Back from hell.
S

survive75

Registrant
Hey all... sorry to say I was away for awhile. Had three rapid-fire vivid flashbacks. Failed suicide attempt. My g/f found me with wrists slit in the bathroom. Admitted to the psych ward for three days. Fun.

Glad to be back, but still feeling shaky. Sorry... I don't know why, but I feel like I've disappointed you all. I feel awful posting this... I failed at my recovery.

-Sean
 
sean,
forgive the language...like hell you failed in recovery!!! sean, i was there almost this past wedsnday after going through some hell of my own. i don't know what stopped me unless it was the love of lady theo and the will somewhere i could not see to fight the ones who did all of this to us. you did not fail. you live.
 
Sean,

You have not failed at your recovery. You're alive, and I'm glad. Recovery is hard, and it takes a lot of time. You will make it because you are good and brave.

Mary
 
Sean I have been to that Well at least three times. Once when I thought I was sucessful I never wanted to live more than I did right at the time the bullet passed through me.

Now I know that if I reach that point and am sucessful each and every perp alive will have one another victory. Why!!! Because they will have suceeeded in shutting up another victim permanently and thus continuing to protect that #^%$^&$&%$*^&(&*()&_^*_)*CLUB.

I cannot ever let that happen. I am better than the whole effen bunch of them. Even if I am not totally OK.
 
Sean,

I'm glad you failed--at the suicide attempt. That's the only failure I see here, and it was a constructive one.

The ones who hurt you are the losers, not you. I'm glad your g/f found you, and I'm glad you're back here.

Listen to Mikey!!! The &%$^&s can't WIN!!!

Mikey, you may not feel like you're "totally ok", but with what you've been through, I think you're a walking miracle.

I admire all of your strength. You might not feel strong, but being here, strengthening each other by sharing, and willing to open up and spill your guts is the bravest thing I can imagine.

I believe in you, and I think great things will come from the power of caring.

I hope you feel better Sean.

((((hugs))))

Lynn
 
Sean,
there is a whole community of people on this website who understand the pain you are enduring. Ending a life is not a solution. The grim reaper will come calling in his own good time for all of us. Death is very permanent. We might as well battle on and see what life has to offer .... we may be very pleasantly surprised. I know I have been. And I've been where you are. I have the scars on my arms to remind me. Peace, Andrew
 
Sean,

Welcome back. You have the love, support and genuine acceptance of a lot of people here, including me.

There is no need for you to feel that you have disappointed anyone here. You did not fail at suicide; you succeeded at surviving. You did not fail at recovery; you're still sucking air and that's the only prerequisite for membership in this fellowship of survivors.

Let the love and kindness coming to you through this place find a spot in your mind and heart.

I find people here who love me even when I don't or can't love myself. In time, I get the opportunity to do the same for them.

You are a very brave man, Sean. You are a survivor.

I once heard it said that many people go to church because they are afraid of going to hell.

We seek recovery and healing because we have already been there. There's a big difference.

Welcome back from hell.

Your brother,
 
Sean,

We should all fail as you have, bro! I am glad you're still here.

There's nothing for me to add. Except one thing (always, isn't there?); you have a reason for being here. It's up to you to figure it out, but you're still here. That, my friend, is a gift.

These are heavy days indeed. I am feeling pretty low. My personal life is a wreck, my finances are non-existant, I have a court date over a criminal traffic violation, and I have a freak-show perp who keeps insisting on coming back in one form or another to remind me of what he did to me. I am dancing close to where you were, but I am choosing life every day because I have a reason for being here. You do, too, bro, and 'm glad of it!

Sean, it will get easier. It will get better. This too shall pass.

I love you, bro. Peace.

Scot
 
Sean
you're NOT a failure, you're a SURVIVOR.

Why ? because you're here, you're writing about it, you're doing something about it.

Stay strong Sean.

Dave
 
Hi Sean!

You know Sean, I doubt that you ever will get an invitation to a grand celebration because someone of us is celebrating Total Recovery--nothing more to accomplish.

Recovery is a process. It starts with breaking the silence. Then other little things begin to happen. Then there are days when it seems that nothing at all is good or worth hoping for. Those are the days to remember, that you have tasted what the process of recovery is--and it tastes a whole lot better than the foul taste of negative thinking.

You have made some real progress. Try to remember that. Try too, to remember that the graph of recovery is a zigzag line that goes up and down and up and down. To expect that each day is a little brighter than the last sets us up for feeling like a failure.

I admit that I feel I have gone quite a ways in the chart of recovery. But last week was sheer hell after I had seen Mystic River, the movie about a boy who is SA'd. I now know that I cannot see those kind of movies. It is not a weakness. It is wisom. I am not ashamed and do not see it a failure that the fact a boy is abused is more than I can handle when it is vividly portrayed.

I am not sure if you had a zig or a zag. But you are wiser because of it.

You've done good man! Keep making the best of whatever a particular day gives you. That way, you can remind us when we are having a really gloomy time, that there have been and will be in the future simply great days.

Peace to you friend.

Bob
 
Thanks to everyone who replied... it really helps to know that I'm not the only one who has gone through this. I did this once in high school (prior to recovering the memories) and this time, I don't know, I just felt so weak after I did it. I feel like I should have been able to control it.

My perspective is starting to come back, especially after everyone's replies. Recovery is a journey - I know that - but I was on such a high point after having gone back to therapy, that this just felt like such a failure. Thanks for reminding me that the good feeling will come back.

I really need to talk about the flashbacks that triggered the suicide attempt, but I don't want to trigger anyone here. I see my therapist Friday - I feel like I disappointed her as well. When she called me at the hospital, all she could say was "Oh, Sean." Like I had done something so wrong for wanting out of this, out of these memories. On an ironic note, all I can think of is everytime I every said, "I just want all of the puzzle pieces right now." LOL... I was so impatient for wanting to remember the memories that were just out of reach. Now I know why everyone has always said, "They'll come when you're ready." I definately was NOT ready for the ones I had last weekend.

Thanks as always.
-Sean
 
Sean
it's good to hear you sounding so positive again, and accepting the 'wisdom' of those who are making the same journey. It is a journey of hills and valleys, make no mistake about that. And when we've seen the wonderful view from the top of the hill we want to stay there, but one small slip sends us sliding down into the valley. Sometimes we get a grip on something and reach the top again. But sometimes we end up at the bottom, and it's not a good place. We've been there before and we know we don't like it.

But the thing that I cling to is the thought that I know what the view from the hill top looks like, I'm NEVER going to forget that, and I'll do anything to climb back up.
And if I need someone to help me - so be it, I'm not too proud to ask for help anymore.

And if you need to post something that might be triggering you can join MS and have access to the "At Risk" forum - or continue to post on these forums and just put a "TRIGGER WARNING" on the top of your post.

Whichever you choose, feel free to express yourself here, you're amongst friends.

Dave
 
Hey, Sean. You sound much better. I hope you belive that these guys care. I care too. Everything has been said, I think. We have a saying in AA, "Keep coming back." Doesn't matter if you drink again or not, just keep coming back. We do that to re-assure each other that we don't judge one another. And to remember none of us is not alone.

Peace,
RickB
 
__________________________________________________

I see my therapist Friday - I feel like I disappointed her as well. When she called me at the hospital, all she could say was "Oh, Sean." Like I had done something so wrong for wanting out of this, out of these memories.
__________________________________________________

Sean,

I wonder if the tone you heard in your therapist's voice was sorrow and pity for you. I wonder if she felt sorrow for herself too -- like maybe she felt she had failed you. You could ask her what she was feeling when she called you at the hospital, when you next see her.

I'm so glad your feeling better.

Mary
 
Sean,

You didn't fail, not at all, we all have set-backs from time to time. You survived the attempt and the flashbacks, so you succeeded, you are still alive and still fighting through it all. Just remember no matter how bad it may seem, things will get better, i may seem hopeless, but there is hope out there, you are not alone, and you will be ok, just give yourself the time you need to heal.

scott
 
You did not fail at your recovery Sean. You are still here. You had obstacle, but are still here, and still work at it. To fail at it would be to no longer try. I understand some what you mean. Last month when I try to end myself, I feel I let down people here, was big disappointment to them. But they are friends, we here are friends, and we are here through good and bad. I wish you only well, and hope that you are finding your strength.

leosha
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top