Babbling Update
I talked to my therapist about speaking again with my mother. He asked what I thought her response would be. I imagined her looking away, finding a way to race to the end, holding on to everything is now OK.
That is what she did in January when I told her about being kidnapped “but you are OK now”
WTF Mom, I just told you what happened when I went missing for 5 days, you know the time you had cops casing a man’s house, Dad went to AC looking for me. The time I reappeared 60 miles to the north of home in a girls shirt, no socks, no underwear smelling like hell. You ever fucking wonder what that smell was? No, you made sure I had cigarettes and gave me a beer. Sure you asked if I wanted to talk, but you sure slipped off quick when I said no.
Yes I am pissed. Not at her as a person, but as a mother. She doesn’t have a place to put it. But either did I.
How many times do I need to feel this barren gap before I accept it? It hurts.
It was huge that I acknowledged my bravery here. I’ve often written off my escape has the only option. But I could have just as easily have stayed. It wasn’t autopilot that snuck me out of there. It was me, my core being. I’m coming to own that now.
I wish I could share it with my mom in a meaningful way, but I also know she can’t hear, no matter how much I want otherwise.
You guys can, my therapist can, my husband knows it now. For that, I am grateful.
That is what she did in January when I told her about being kidnapped “but you are OK now”
WTF Mom, I just told you what happened when I went missing for 5 days, you know the time you had cops casing a man’s house, Dad went to AC looking for me. The time I reappeared 60 miles to the north of home in a girls shirt, no socks, no underwear smelling like hell. You ever fucking wonder what that smell was? No, you made sure I had cigarettes and gave me a beer. Sure you asked if I wanted to talk, but you sure slipped off quick when I said no.
Yes I am pissed. Not at her as a person, but as a mother. She doesn’t have a place to put it. But either did I.
How many times do I need to feel this barren gap before I accept it? It hurts.
It was huge that I acknowledged my bravery here. I’ve often written off my escape has the only option. But I could have just as easily have stayed. It wasn’t autopilot that snuck me out of there. It was me, my core being. I’m coming to own that now.
I wish I could share it with my mom in a meaningful way, but I also know she can’t hear, no matter how much I want otherwise.
You guys can, my therapist can, my husband knows it now. For that, I am grateful.