'Avoiding starting school work' post!
There is been a lot of things happening here, lot of things 'going on'. Some I guess are not so good. Some that can be seen as not so good, if that is what I choose. And some are good.
A friend, last year, she get me interest in visiting old people at the living center, and work also with Special Olympics and animals at the shelter. I did not know anyone who just want to do something nice for someone, they can walk in and talk to someone and be doing it. I thought there is lot of training that you have to do, but no, you can just talk with someone, and they help you to do it good. So I have been enjoying it, doing these things.
I took a friend with me to meet this old lady I have spend time talking with. She was very cute, and the funny kind of crazy, very nice and think that everone is her family. She would sit and talk to anyone, and carry with her her bear and introduce him as her son. But if she is talking to you, YOU are her son also!
She was 103 years old. When she had her birthday, few days later when I visit there to talk with her, I tell her happy birthday, you are 103 years. And she look at me and laugh and say, oh no, people don't live that long!
We gone there to visit her, and they tell me she died the night before, just gone to sleep and did not wake up. And I was very upset, and I tell my friend, there is to much death now, this year, there is to much death. And he look at me and say Good grief Andrei, look how old she was! How much more you want her to live? It is not the universe and God working against you to take all these people from you. Sometime, people just die. It is not because of you, or that you do something wrong.
I think I think that for a long time, and maybe is part of being a survivor. We have always so much guilt, and if something bad happens, somehow, it is because it is our fault. WE did it, caused it. And really, that is like self-centered thought. Because I am a survivor, some old woman dies peaceful in her sleep? I must have much more power then I think!
I think it helps me, to remember that not everthing in the world, or not everthing in my life, it is not 'mine'. Not mine in fault, or blame, or why it happen.
There is lot of change here right now. New people coming, older people I know leaving, and I will be leaving here myself in few more weeks. It is not situation I would have choose for myself. But as it is happening, I still have a choice. I can continue to dislike it,and fight it, and be miserable in my head about it. Or I can accept that it is change, it is happening, and to learn and get the best of it I can. It do not matter, what will happen will happen anyway. I can make it a disaster or a huge positive to my life, all is how I choose to see it and make it. There are not many things of life that we do not have some kind of choice in, even if it is how we choose to deal with something out of our control. We have that power.
I had a small argument with a friend this morning, nothing really importent. But I know it come from some stress he have right now also, and some other issues. And he tell me he is sorry little while later, and I tell him it is ok, I understand lot of what he is feeling, it is all right. And he tell me no, it is not all right, still I am sorry. Because he say that the stress, the past and other issues right now, they maybe explain his words or behavior, but never do he want it to excuse them. What is wrong to do or say is still wrong to do or say, it do not make the difference that he is a survivor. That make me realize how far already he comes to getting through things in his life.
I am sitting here, looking at my cat who gets to move with me soon, and I am happy. Just as happy as I was few weeks ago before all this change present itself to me. Because I am choosing it, and working at making it be all right. It is such the powerful thing. Because it could be easier to just still be upset and frustrated, saying I don't want this. Maybe that takes less the energy, to think like that. But some things, they are worth more work. The feeling I get from learning from things, and working at the positive of things, it is a feeling that is worth the more work. So am I.
I think of the word healing, and in some ways, it make sense, and in others, it seem silly to me. Like to survive the past, it is like to have the cold, and then you take the medicine and you do not sneeze or cough no more, so you are healed. I do not know that this thing we all do, this process that we do, that there is definite 'end' to it. Maybe it is more like the alcoholics or such, that they say they are always in recovering, never 'recovered'. Maybe that is us, recovering survivors. However it is, I am happy how it is right now for me. I hope it can be as this for everone some time.
Andrei
A friend, last year, she get me interest in visiting old people at the living center, and work also with Special Olympics and animals at the shelter. I did not know anyone who just want to do something nice for someone, they can walk in and talk to someone and be doing it. I thought there is lot of training that you have to do, but no, you can just talk with someone, and they help you to do it good. So I have been enjoying it, doing these things.
I took a friend with me to meet this old lady I have spend time talking with. She was very cute, and the funny kind of crazy, very nice and think that everone is her family. She would sit and talk to anyone, and carry with her her bear and introduce him as her son. But if she is talking to you, YOU are her son also!
She was 103 years old. When she had her birthday, few days later when I visit there to talk with her, I tell her happy birthday, you are 103 years. And she look at me and laugh and say, oh no, people don't live that long! We gone there to visit her, and they tell me she died the night before, just gone to sleep and did not wake up. And I was very upset, and I tell my friend, there is to much death now, this year, there is to much death. And he look at me and say Good grief Andrei, look how old she was! How much more you want her to live? It is not the universe and God working against you to take all these people from you. Sometime, people just die. It is not because of you, or that you do something wrong.
I think I think that for a long time, and maybe is part of being a survivor. We have always so much guilt, and if something bad happens, somehow, it is because it is our fault. WE did it, caused it. And really, that is like self-centered thought. Because I am a survivor, some old woman dies peaceful in her sleep? I must have much more power then I think!
I think it helps me, to remember that not everthing in the world, or not everthing in my life, it is not 'mine'. Not mine in fault, or blame, or why it happen.There is lot of change here right now. New people coming, older people I know leaving, and I will be leaving here myself in few more weeks. It is not situation I would have choose for myself. But as it is happening, I still have a choice. I can continue to dislike it,and fight it, and be miserable in my head about it. Or I can accept that it is change, it is happening, and to learn and get the best of it I can. It do not matter, what will happen will happen anyway. I can make it a disaster or a huge positive to my life, all is how I choose to see it and make it. There are not many things of life that we do not have some kind of choice in, even if it is how we choose to deal with something out of our control. We have that power.
I had a small argument with a friend this morning, nothing really importent. But I know it come from some stress he have right now also, and some other issues. And he tell me he is sorry little while later, and I tell him it is ok, I understand lot of what he is feeling, it is all right. And he tell me no, it is not all right, still I am sorry. Because he say that the stress, the past and other issues right now, they maybe explain his words or behavior, but never do he want it to excuse them. What is wrong to do or say is still wrong to do or say, it do not make the difference that he is a survivor. That make me realize how far already he comes to getting through things in his life.
I am sitting here, looking at my cat who gets to move with me soon, and I am happy. Just as happy as I was few weeks ago before all this change present itself to me. Because I am choosing it, and working at making it be all right. It is such the powerful thing. Because it could be easier to just still be upset and frustrated, saying I don't want this. Maybe that takes less the energy, to think like that. But some things, they are worth more work. The feeling I get from learning from things, and working at the positive of things, it is a feeling that is worth the more work. So am I.
I think of the word healing, and in some ways, it make sense, and in others, it seem silly to me. Like to survive the past, it is like to have the cold, and then you take the medicine and you do not sneeze or cough no more, so you are healed. I do not know that this thing we all do, this process that we do, that there is definite 'end' to it. Maybe it is more like the alcoholics or such, that they say they are always in recovering, never 'recovered'. Maybe that is us, recovering survivors. However it is, I am happy how it is right now for me. I hope it can be as this for everone some time.
Andrei
