It's been so long since I posted... sometimes it feels like too much and I take a break but, if I am not careful, the break starts to go on and on before I realize I am avoiding this side of my life again. It is so easy to slip into the old groove, looking normal, talking the part... making people laugh. But all the while I am slowly slipping back into my cave. And then one day I wake up and realize I am alone again, isolated in despair and anger and too ashamed to show even my closest friends how I really feel. Still, I don't stop trying. One day I will figure this all out. Here is something I read a long time ago, and when I am feeling frustrated, like I am now, it brings me some comfort...
Chapter 1.
I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost .... I am helpless. It isn't my fault. It takes forever to find a way out.
Chapter 2.
I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend that I don't see it. I fall in again. I can't believe I am in this same place. But, it isn't my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.
Chapter 3.
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in ... it's a habit ... but, my eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.
Chapter 4.
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.
That was a good post. I'm having a particularly hard time with my husband just now, and reading that helps me somewhat understand why he is in a hole. I wish he would choose, if he could, to climb out or walk around the hole entirely.
I get angry and feel like giving up on trying.....
I have been following some of your recent posts about your husband. The situation is so familiar for me... although my ex-wife and I never had a baby, we often found ourselves in situations where one or the other of us seemed unwilling or unable to support the other.
Those times are confusing and frustrating, and your anger and despair are completely understandable. I wish that I had some profound words of wisdom I could share with you that might make the things happening make sense. Unfortuantely, when my wife and I got into the sort or situation you describe, we let our feelings get the better of us... fear, insecurity, doubt, anger, resentment... they all crowded out any room for forgivness, compassion, patience, love.
I have never ushed him ,never acted out in anger or anything. I give him space, and eventually he comes out of it. Right now however, I am in need of support emotionally (anxiety over pregnancy) and physically (I'm really tired, and two other kids need attention). I want to understand and support him, and all he wants during these times is to be left alone. He leaves the room after a bit when I come in even. This is hurtful and sad for me, but I know he must need to do it, otherwise he wouldn't do it because he knows how this affects me. Just a big 'ole pity party for me right now, that's all. I only wish he wouldn't suffer like this alone. I'm right here, and, I need him too. I wish he could talk to somebody, anybody. Maybe I'll suggest he go see someone after he comes out of it, but I know he won't, he only wants to see the woman he saw years ago and she is no longer practicing, and refuses to start it all up again with someone else. So, he is stuck, and so am I.
Thanks Wranlger, your insights do help!
Nauseated wifenneed (there's no smiley for that one!)
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