August
The month of August holds a number of anniversaries for me, the most notable of which is the 24th. On that day 26 years ago I was married. Though that union has had some rough moments, we share a connection on a very basic level that I think is unshakable. There is a security in knowing and loving one another that is far better than anything, including the freedom of being single.
Another day in the month of August that holds significance for me is August 22nd. On that day three years ago I walked into a doctors office around 10:00 AM for a routine exam, and walked out 45 minutes later devastated by the memories that had been triggered after reading a magazine article while sitting in his waiting room.
That fateful morning began 5 months of denial and tears. I figured if I just ignored it, things would get better and it would just fade away. Every day the tears got worse and my coping ability lessened till I was literally at the end of the rope. I was forced to admit that this thing was not going to go back in the box where it had been for so many years.
I started therapy, was admitted to group therapy within a few months and at the end of three months in group I declared myself cured. In actuality I was stuck between the victim mode and survivor mode where I stayed till August 28th of 2005.
On that day a year ago tomorrow (Monday), I sat in front of my TV mesmerized by the sight of a huge and perfectly formed circle of clouds bearing mercilessly down upon the city of New Orleans and the Gulf Coast. I watched and listened to the reporters from the various cable news organizations as they talked about the dangers this storm carried and what it could mean to those in it's path.
Also on that day I had my computer on my lap and in my aimless wanderings around the www I happened on a link that said malesurvivor.org. My mind seized on that link and my finger hovered on the mouse button fearing what I would find on the other side and yet desperately longing to see what was there. What I found was the key to my continued growth. The rest, as they say, is history.
So what have I learned?
To the guys just now coming through these doors and looking around for the first time, it does get better. Healing is possible. There is hope for an end to the emotional pain and heartache. Brighter days are ahead if you're willing to do the hard work necessary to get you there. It's not easy, especially when you have no earthly idea what's around the next corner let alone what next month or next year look like, or even how the hell you're going to get there.
If you're feeling broken and overwhelmed, let those of us who've traveled this road ahead of you be your strength. Let us believe for you and you just hang on to our belief for all you're worth. We'll do our level best not to let you down. If we do, please understand that we too have been where you are and on occasion we forget the progress we've made. In that moment, we'll need your assistance in holding us up. The key is that together we'll travel this path and together we'll make it to the other side of this pain.
I love each and every one of you and wish only for the best in your lives.
John
Another day in the month of August that holds significance for me is August 22nd. On that day three years ago I walked into a doctors office around 10:00 AM for a routine exam, and walked out 45 minutes later devastated by the memories that had been triggered after reading a magazine article while sitting in his waiting room.
That fateful morning began 5 months of denial and tears. I figured if I just ignored it, things would get better and it would just fade away. Every day the tears got worse and my coping ability lessened till I was literally at the end of the rope. I was forced to admit that this thing was not going to go back in the box where it had been for so many years.
I started therapy, was admitted to group therapy within a few months and at the end of three months in group I declared myself cured. In actuality I was stuck between the victim mode and survivor mode where I stayed till August 28th of 2005.
On that day a year ago tomorrow (Monday), I sat in front of my TV mesmerized by the sight of a huge and perfectly formed circle of clouds bearing mercilessly down upon the city of New Orleans and the Gulf Coast. I watched and listened to the reporters from the various cable news organizations as they talked about the dangers this storm carried and what it could mean to those in it's path.
Also on that day I had my computer on my lap and in my aimless wanderings around the www I happened on a link that said malesurvivor.org. My mind seized on that link and my finger hovered on the mouse button fearing what I would find on the other side and yet desperately longing to see what was there. What I found was the key to my continued growth. The rest, as they say, is history.
So what have I learned?
- Interacting with you men here has challenged me to stay engaged in relationship even though it sometimes brings discomfort and even pain.
- I've learned that brokenness is never the fault of the child who's been broken.
- I've learned the shame that came as a result of being abused was not mine to carry, but belonged to the one who abused me.
- I've learned to love others in a healthy way, and without reservation.
- I've learned not to tie my own sense of worth to whether that love is accepted or rejected by the one to whom it is given.
- I've learned that there is hope even in the darkest moments if I am willing to just keep looking for it.
- I've learned that there are truly people in this world who understand what I have experienced, and knowing that fact enables me to face my own truths with greater courage.
- I've learned how rewarding it is to allow myself to be vulnerable, for in doing so I can connect with others in ways I never thought possible.
- I've learned it is possible to love without allowing my boundaries to be violated yet again.
- Most important of all, I've learned there is hope for a brighter future.
To the guys just now coming through these doors and looking around for the first time, it does get better. Healing is possible. There is hope for an end to the emotional pain and heartache. Brighter days are ahead if you're willing to do the hard work necessary to get you there. It's not easy, especially when you have no earthly idea what's around the next corner let alone what next month or next year look like, or even how the hell you're going to get there.
If you're feeling broken and overwhelmed, let those of us who've traveled this road ahead of you be your strength. Let us believe for you and you just hang on to our belief for all you're worth. We'll do our level best not to let you down. If we do, please understand that we too have been where you are and on occasion we forget the progress we've made. In that moment, we'll need your assistance in holding us up. The key is that together we'll travel this path and together we'll make it to the other side of this pain.
I love each and every one of you and wish only for the best in your lives.
John
He's a sneaky little guy!