At a loss

At a loss
A

angieb

New Registrant
My fiance just told me last night that he was abused by a "family friend" as a child. It explains a lot of his anger, his feelings towards gay men, his frustration with his parents.
I don't know what to do now. I told him I love him, I'll always love him, this doesn't change our relationship, etc.
He said he was wrong to tell me - that he didn't want to be a "burden." Apparently, I (and his best friend, who was with us at the time) am the first person he has ever told about this. What a secret to keep for 20 years. How terrible for him to feel so alone.
I don't want to pity him, I don't want him to feel like I am treating him like some fragile thing now that I know. I would like him to go to therapy, and have actually been suggesting this for the above-mentioned anger, etc. for several years. But he says he knows what his problem is and can't see how a therapist will help. Since I've never been to a therapist, I don't know how to persuade him to go.
I love him, and I want so badly for him to have the happiness that he deserves. Any suggestions on how I can get him on the road to coping with this, without seeming like I know better than he does what he needs?
Thanks.
 
angieb,

It is not easy being in a relationship, with a survivor of abuse, and I congratulate you for sticking by him.

Keeping the "LIE", hidden for so long, yes he has been alone, but he has now told you, and a close friend, it is a start.

Yes, it will affect his family relationships, and no doubt yours too, you say the relationship is still good.

You have to be careful, I think, of badgering him into something he is not ready to do, let him make his own mind up about therapy, while it would help, it is not always easy to get, and get the right therapist, there is a list on the site, about choosing one.

What you have to realise, is that there will be a lot of hurt inside, but the you know best approach, is probably not productive.

You say he is sorry he told you, don't know why, maybe it is because you are showering him with pity and being so protective, try to be just the same as before he told you.

There are a lot of experienced people on this site, who will no doubt reply to this thread, but the main thing to think about in all of this, is to look after yourself.

I hope you find the answers here

take care

ste
 
I think the approach you're taking sounds great, offering your support. But I'd also recommend that you urge him to get working on the issues involved with a therapist, by reading and by joining a group of survivors if it fits his style. I agree that you probably can't "know best" what he should do. But you can be sure that doing nothing about the past is not the way to go if its bothering him.

Take care.
 
Hi angieb,

Your instincts are right, not to want to treat him differently or delicately. My boyfriend was very concerned that his disclosure would change things between us, that it would overshadow our friendship. It was important to him that we keep doing all the "fun" stuff we'd always done and keep the abuse out of our daily lives.

Sometimes it's hard to make connections between the abuse and the present-day effects until you see how many abused men struggle with the same problems-- some of which you've mentioned in your post. It might help him to come here for himself, or to do a little reading, if you think he would. Maybe that would help him make a more informed decision about going to therapy--although that will still be his decision to make.

Don't think of him "just beginning" to cope with it-- he's been coping with it since it happened, but his methods of coping have their own effects as well. Telling you and his friend is the beginning of a change in his methods-- that means abandoning the things that have kept him safe and sane for many years. This will be a scary time for him. He'll need to let go of those coping mechanisms at the same time he's learning new ones, trying to persuade him to go faster will work just about as well as putting a live spider in my hand to make me stop being afraid of spiders.

In the meantime, what can you do? First of all, take care of yourself, find people to support and listen to you too. Make your relationship the best place for him to do all those "scary" things-- trust, communication, happiness. Listen to him, let him know he can trust and believe in you, and when he has something to say, you'll hear it. After all, he's already put a great deal of trust in you.

Welcome to MS, we're here when you need us.

SAR
 
You can certainly, gently, suggest a therapist. But don't push it. I attempted it about 11 years ago and it wasnt the time yet. I wasnt ready to deal with it then. He has made an important first step: telling someone. He may be ready to work on the issues very quickly, or it may take awhile.

It is impotent that you just be consistent and as supportive as you always were. But don't push. BTW: You may experience some changes in his behavior. Dont be surprised. Also, it could be he is sorry he said anything because now his 'shame' is exposed. It's natural.
 
angieb,

Sorry about the pain your fiance' is feeling and the affect is will have on you. I am glad that he has shared it with you and that you are willing to support him.

Therapy has been a great help for me. I didn't start going for the purpose of healing my SA pains but that's where it has taken me. If your fiance' is willing to go to therapy to help him manage his anger, that is great. It won't take him long to realize the source of his anger and to start working at that. Therapy has to be his decision, nobody can chose it for him for it to have any real effect. But it doesn't matter what gets him there, so long as he chooses to go for himself. Hopefully he can see a reason to go.

Don't forget to take care of yourself. This will be hard on you too. Therapy is probably a good idea for yourself too. Just to handle some of the added stress. There's also the F&F forums, here in the public one where you can get some input from survivors, or in the members only section where it will be just you family and friends, free from us. I think both are a couple of great ideas of taking care of yourselves.

Bless you,
Bill
 
Angie
at the moment you're doing the right thing, loving and supporting him.
Don't try to push too hard though, for some reason - macho bullshit probably - we don't seem to like being pushed, perhaps we've had enough of that with the abuse!

If the idea of therapy is there then it won't go away and he might decide to seek therapy when he feels right about it. ( it took me 31 years to disclose ! )
Part of the reluctance can be fear of the unknown, 5 or 6 years ago the only image of therapy I had was Woody Allen lying on a couch, and it's nothing like that.

One thing I have suggested before, and I have no idea if it's worked or not, is to get a copy of "Victims No Longer" by Mike Lew, or any of the many excellent books available, and 'coveniently' leave it where he'll see it, I doubt he'll be able to resist it, and maybe the idea that he's not alone and recovery is possible will register.
The book is available via this web site and Amazon, and we get a %. Just click on "Bookstore" at the top of the page.

Mike's book was / still is my bible to healing, there's a good chapter for partners as well.
If you search back through the topics on this forum some of the other partners here have recommended many books aimed at partners as well.

What you're about to do isn't easy Angie, your man will change, he'll look to you for things you never expected to have to find or give.
I know how wonderful my wife has been to me, and how difficult I have been for many years.
I also know I couldn't have made it without her.

Dave
 
Angieb,

as Dave Lloydy said, it is in us to be macho, it is hard to be macho, when someone does these things to you as a kid, they can humiliate you so much, that you think you are just a slut, a "girlfriend"? To them.

Yes, even at a young age, you know what relationships should be, then you find a man wanting sex with you so young, it can lead to so much confusion and anger, anger at why it happened, self blame, the emotions are endless.

You wonder, why women love you so much, when you can be feeling so worthless, and just like a slut. You blame yourself, even when there is no blame, but to you it is real, because somehow you think?
Must have been my fault.

The guilt complex is compounded over the years, even though it was not our fault, we still blame ourselves. We somehow think? I must have attracted the abuse, because we have no other alternative thought process, we think? It is the only way, how else would this come across?

But we were so young, it was the only thought process open to us, so we live with these thoughts throughout our lives, blaming ourselelves, and not the perpetrators, we victimise ourselves instead of those who do these evil acts against us.

We feel so guilty of being the victim, for so many years it is hard to realise, "we where the victim", we believe for so many years, because we can't fathom out the problem.

It is so hard to get away from the fact that, we really didn't ask for it, but beause it happened, we blame it on ourselves, this is the screw up point.

Putting the blame on ourselves, and most of us do, makes us feel less than worthless, and somehow wonder, how/why does she still love me?

It is so hard to understand the feelings of an abused child, we always think, what if? Why could I not be someone else? Why pick me out? the list is endless.

I think, and I really do, that if you love him, you can ride the storm together.

I hope it works for you

take care

ste
 
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