At A Loss

At A Loss
S

Syris

Registrant
Hey all. This is my first post, though I've been reading the forum for a few days now. Whenever I read the word rape here or anywhere really something almost primitive is set off in me, like a little explosion of fear, anxiety and anger. I have to admit, expressing myself to other guys is not easy, I've always percieved men as potential threats or enemies, and thus try to show no weakness. I've only in the last couple of weeks told my parents what happened to me, and for their sake in no great detail. I always told people I didn't remember anything before 9, but i did remember. Or so I thought. Memories I didn't know were there have been flooding my conscious mind. Detailed, vivid, stark memories from which there seems no escape. I can't explain how much that one day when I was eight stays in my thoughts, rotting me away. I don't know if my case really counts as abuse cause it was only one time, though. I've begun having these "visions" where I'm transported back to that day and everything even down to the scents and the white noise of the tv are vivid. Like lightning striking in my head, I lose my breathe and I lose myself for seconds or minutes at a time. I used to cut, and I'm finding myself resort back to those old habit just to numb the pain. I'm in therapy and I told my therapist about the abuse, but he doesn't seem to be focusing on it, even though it's all I think about right now. I do try to focus my mind on other things....school, work, music. But it always shifts back. Before I told my parents and opened the door, I had a lot of problems, but nothing like this...I just want to go back to pretending it never happened. These new emotions are too raw. My point here is not to have a pity party or to feel sorry for myself. Maybe just input from people who might know what this feels like.
 
Hi Syris, I am glad you found this place, sorry that you had a need to find it. I am glad you have a therapist. Is he a SA therapist? If not you may need to hunt for one. I hear that you may need to go through several therapists, to find one that works for you.

I don't know if my case really counts as abuse cause it was only one time, though.
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As one of our old members used to say. Once is ten times too many! Of course it was Abuse!
I can personally say that once was abuse, and it does mess you up.

Take care,
Lostcowboy
 
Syris,

My SA took place in one episode as well. I can tell you that your mind would not be bringing these things to conscious memory if you were not at a place where you can deal with it, even though it doesn't feel like it.

To help you deal with those memories, writing or drawing seem to help a lot of people dealing with the emotions those memoried evoke.

Regarding therapy, and this is my completely non-professional opinion, it is YOUR therapy. If you feel that the SA issue is the most important thing and needs to be addressed, then tell your therapist so. I did, and now we're dealing with it instead of something that turns out to be an effect of the abuse in the first place.

The thing about emotions is that, in order to heal we need to experience the emotions we suppressed so long ago and move through them. It's hard, it hurts, but the hurt heals. Stay with it.

In any case, welcome, and I'm sorry you had a reason to find us. If there is any place you can open up, this is it.
 
Syris,

Well, you've heard from a couple of your fellow travelers, already. That's the glory of this place, it doesn't take long before several guys have given you their thoughts and feelings on your situation.

Isn't that something, other men who care enough to tell you what they think about what you've said. Call me jaded, but I don't have conversations like that unless I'm here.

I hope that you'll trust us enough to unload some of your burden. That's what it is, you know, a burden that weighs us down and keeps us from becoming the men that we are meant to be.

As you are able to uncover those lost feelings and emotions, your load will lighten and it will become easier to talk about what happened to you.
Talking about it is what frees you from the past and makes it possible for you to recover what was once yours.

All the best to you, as you pull back the layers of darkness, to expose to the light of the day, what happened to you.

David
 
Once the bottle has ben opened you cannot ever close it . You can only try and deal with what happened to you and try the best that you can to understand whaty happened . it is good to let it out because if you dont it will eat at you like a cancer. until it destroys what is left of you .
I kept my abuse bottled up for almost 25 years . when it did come loose I ended up in a mental healt hospital for 15 days . and I havent ben the same sence . but I am slowly getting better . it just takes time a lot of time
 
Syris
once is enough, that's all it takes.

Many people think that a single case of abuse is something that is "easy to get over", but the effects can be as devastating as years of abuse.
It's how we as individuals see and deal with the abuse that's important.

In the group therapy sessions I go to we had a guy who was abused once at about 8 yo, and he had very similar behavioural and psychological problems to myself, and I had nearly 5 years of abuse at the hands of multiple abusers.
What we discovered in group therapy was that we both reacted in the same way, we used the same coping statergies - however bad and dysfunctional they might have been!

I would stress to your therapist that you want to deal with this abusive incident, and don't take "no" for an answer, remember that you pay his wages and the therapy is for your benefit.

Dave
 
Thanks, guys. I appreciate your responses and advice. I'll definitely try to shift the focus of my therapy, as right now we usually talk about my anxiety or depression, which could just be symptoms of a larger problem.
 
Anxiety and depression, in my experience, always secondary symptoms to the true issue.
 
Syris,

Welcome to this wonderful place.

I have to admit, expressing myself to other guys is not easy, I've always percieved men as potential threats or enemies, and thus try to show no weakness.
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I think you will find the men here very receptive and nonjudgemental. I am sorry you had the need to come here, but glad you found us.
Peace, Andrew
 
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